Blanche had imposed the "no boys for six months" rule when I moved out.
And, amazingly, I did it. I went six months with no dating, no kissing, no sex, nothing.
And it was good. Really. I really got to know myself during this time... I got settled into my place. I spent amazing time with my son. I made new friends (and lost a few)...
I've become the person I think I was trying to be for so long, but couldn't. Because I needed to be in this place, with these rules.
It wasn't always easy. There were a few lonely times. But more "missing my son" times than "wishing I had a significant other" times. There were moments when I hoped my husband and I might reconcile... And excruciating moments when I realized it's not going to happen.
I'm still navigating this path towards my future as a whole woman... And finding the balance between the "Zen RetroMama" and the "Fun RetroMama." Because I've been told that they are not one and the same.
There has been a cautious growth in my relationship with my cousin. I was thrilled when she and her family made the trip into the City so that I could meet her baby boy. And it was beautiful to see that we could so easily fall back into the banter at which we'd always excelled. And it was beautiful to realize that she's been on this similar journey of self-awareness.
I've focused more on my goals. I've set some major ones. And I've reached some major ones.
I've become much more adept at "letting go". And I've been much quicker to stand up for myself and my beliefs. And quicker to not waste time with those who will not be a valuable member of my world. And quicker to acknowledge the value of those who will be.
And, suddenly, I'm able to talk to men without having panic attacks. Okay, probably not suddenly. It's been a process. But I can now have a conversation with a man without calling CB and crying about how to handle the attention. Because, yes, I was that girl. And not that long ago.
But now, I'm this different person.
And, yes. I'm dating.
I've been out on a couple of "first dates". Which were, surprisingly, wonderful.
And even a "second date". Which was, not surprisingly, but surprising AND wonderful.
And I'm being honest.
Explaining that my son is my priority, and that I'm enjoying dating, but am not certain I'm ready to become sexually intimate with someone.
Realizing that while I do kick ass and am not taking anybody's shit anymore, I'm still vulnerable. And I'm not ready to give my heart (or my body) to anybody at this point.
And realizing that I am choosing to be around people who respect that. And that I am attracting people to me who respect that.
And trusting myself. And trusting those around me.
This has probably been the tamest six months of my adult life. But I have learned the most valuable lesson of all: Patience.
I'm ready for the next challenge, the next phase. I'm excited about what the next six months will bring.
First and foremost: Kicking cancer's ass.
But living in the meantime. And savoring every moment.
Thinking of Kelly on her birthday
1 year ago