Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I want to get back to my zen place.

Everything happens for a reason. And "patience" is, apparently, still the lesson I am supposed to learn.

I'm getting to the point where I'm realizing that I am a pretty okay single mom. My kid and I have really open communication, we do fun stuff together, I make him eat his vegetables, etc.

We've cut some corners this summer, what with me being without a job and all, but I don't think the kidlet has really felt deprived or anything.

I have always had a tendency to be a bit of a lazy homemaker. I enjoy cooking, but don't make it much of a priority. During my marriage, I took things for granted. If there was a tear in an item of clothing, I was pretty quick to put it in the "donate" pile.

I'm different, now, though.

My favorite jeans ever needed to be retired. The holes in them were really trashy looking. Knowing that I'm next-to-useless with a needle, I gave them up to my dad's girlfriend, who ended up patching them with this really classy material. I'm thrilled to have my jeans back and even more thrilled that I don't feel the need to go buy another pair right now.

And I found a skort that I'd set aside a year ago because it was missing a button and sewed the damn thing back on. (Thanks to the sewing kit dad's gf had given me for Christmas a couple of years ago...) I've sewn on three buttons in the last month. Mad skillz.

And my kid is lucky that I have such amazing friends... Because they open their homes to us and bless his world just as much as they have blessed mine...

Tonight, over dinner, the kidlet asked his dad if he would go visit our friends that we had just seen. Invited him to sleep in their guest room and everything. His dad very diplomatically said that he would probably meet them when they come down to visit us, but that he doesn't know them so he would not be going to stay in their home. No, not even if he went with us...

And I was sad for him. While my ex is a great guy, the only people he really brings to my son's world is his family. And, while they're mostly great, they're not the kind of people who will broaden my son's little horizons.

Not like the M family... Who have kind of adopted me as their little sister. E's mom even stopped by on Sunday to meet me since she had heard I'd be in town. I was sad to find out that I'd missed her.

But so glad to be in that home. The kids picked up right where they left off, and D waited to start the tofu stir-fry until I was there so that he could teach me... And he's this amazing teacher who taught me how to slice a carrot.

Shut up. Yes, I didn't know how to slice a carrot.

There was a phobia. There was an incident when I was about 6 years old... A teenaged neighbor of a friend thought it would be fun to terrorize the little kids with a knife... And when he forced it into my hand, I threw it down... Not realizing my friend was behind me until he screamed... Because he'd been cut. I am fairly certain it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to go to the doctor or anything, but that stuck with me. Knives scare me.

But I was highly motivated to learn how to make this dish.

So, I did. Because I have become this person who faces her fears. Like, oh, I'm afraid of heights. So, I'll go rockclimbing... Or go run across the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, I'm scared of knives. So, I'll learn how to slice a carrot with a sharp one to make tofu stir-fry.

And it was amazing... Later, he would show me how to make bread. Like, not in a breadmaker. But actual bread.

And we drank wine and enjoyed each other's company...

And early the next morning, E took me to the gym. Where I did back-to-back classes: Pilates and then Water Aerobics. We went back to the house for a couple of hours and D made me decaf in the French Press (See how well they take care of me???), and then E and I were back at the gym for another Pilates class. More hanging out at the house and then back to the gym for the 4th class of the day, Step.

I totally rocked it. I was sore, but I felt like I learned SO MUCH. I feel like I have enough of a grasp on pilates to where I could do a video at home and not hurt myself. And the Step class was a lot of fun... Until we put the steps away to do more abs work.

Eesh. My poor abs. I learned the last time that I did Pilates that I have a strong back, but no six-pack, whatsoever.

Shockingly, this time was a bit easier. Or maybe not shockingly. I actually have learned something.

I was in my pajamas by 6, drinking wine, learning how to roast a chicken (again, shut up.), and this amazing potato dish (seriously, D. You need to be the Next Food Network Star!!!).

And after a mellow evening, I went and took E's Muscle Conditioning class this morning. Which was an absolutely humbling experience.

But, again, I learned so much...

And while I was there, I heard from a friend of HRT's. Apparently, she'd heard I have cancer and wanted to check in to see if I was okay. Nine months ago, this woman kicked me while I was down. Resulting in a very bad 20-minute crying jag on my kitchen floor. That was the last I'd heard from either of them. And yet, she stepped up to let me know she would pray for me (don't get me started on this one. LOL)...

Which means HRT knows. Whether I will hear from him remains to be seen, but I know now that I am strong enough to handle it. And, no, I won't let him back in. Two days ago, I was rather certain I would hear from him. And while I'm in a strange mood tonight, telling myself I won't hear from anybody I'm waiting to hear from, again, I return to this "patience" thing.

And I'm learning. Taking a deep breath and accepting that timing is everything.

And whenever he tries to walk back into my world, I will gently (and kindly!) help him walk back out of it. But I will be grateful for whatever comes my way.

And, again, with the timing.

I did see the guy again (the guy from the last blog entry). And when he asked me to go out for a drink, I accepted. And I had a really nice time with him. We did discuss what had happened earlier in the week. And it was pretty much just a "let's slow down, I don't want us not to be able to be friends if this doesn't work out, etc." thing... And we talked it out, and I think we managed to figure out that it's all going to be okay. No matter what.

And I'm grateful for this experience. I'm grateful for learning how to take things slowly. I'm grateful that I had to realize I felt guilty for moving forward out of my marrage. Because then I was infinitely grateful for the realization that my marriage is really over. And I'm grateful for this guy because he told me my demands are reasonable (something I'd doubted ever since the not-so-worthy one told me that my time wasn't enough). So, whether we end up continuing to date or whether we're done, I'm grateful for it having happened up until now.

There were lonely moments tonight. Moments when I missed my son so badly, and moments when I just wanted to head right back to where I'd been for the last couple of days. Moments when I wished I had a significant other that I could count on. Moments when I hoped someone would say "let me come with you to your surgery on Monday because it matters to me to be there with you..." Moments when I threw out the flowers from last week and wished someone would want to buy some for me.

But then I realized that someone does want to buy flowers for me. When AE asked about my surgery and asked where she could send flowers... Of course, it's just an outpatient thing, but that was sweet. And I realized I don't really need someone to buy me flowers because I was throwing out flowers that I'd bought for myself. And they were gorgeous.

And I do have so many friends who love me and would offer to be there with me on Monday (and HAVE offered!)...

But then I remember the night before another surgery when I went to the hospital alone for bloodwork. And even though I was MARRIED, I went alone. And I was wheeled into that surgery knowing that my husband was not out there waiting for me. And woke up from that surgery alone. So, I embraced this loneliness tonight. Because I remember that I left because it would be better to be lonely and alone that to be lonely when I'm with someone.

And with less than a week until I can get this stupid cancer off of me, I think I'll make it. It's just starting to get a little old.

But again... Patience.

I'm trying.

So, I glance down at the henna'ed "om" on the inside of my wrist, and I take a deep breath. And I try to channel Cupcake's quiet.

Back to the yoga tomorrow morning. I need to get my zen back.

And while I'm scared to hit "publish post", I think you'll learn that I face my fears with arms wide open...



  1. I love that you face your fears head-on, that you AREN'T afraid to be alone (even though you're NeVER really alone) and that you continute to learn... and blog about your experiences. Thank you for being brave and thank you for maintaining your need for zen... I miss you my friend, my clarity sister.

  2. I'm so glad you have the Ms! That knife incident must have been horrifying for you! I'm glad you've faced that fear and can handle a knife with confidence now. I hope all goes well on Monday!

  3. Hope all goes well on Monday

  4. I am so proud of you. For doing the hard things because they're right, and they're healthy, and they're right for YOU. For sitting with those lonely feelings without despair. Thanks for the big encouragement with that one little phrase about channeling my quiet. You know if I didn't live on the opposite coast I'd be there on Monday, flowers in hand. I love you, girl.

  5. I love the last two lines of your post.

    Trust and surrender. Click.

    You are totally awesome!

    As always, L&L with Courage & Zen mixed in.