Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Okay, fine. Here goes.

AD sent me a link to something about "The Worst Blog Ever". And the gist of it was about how you're supposed to just write it. And click "publish post". Just do it.

And after tonight's little TMI Skype session with dear friends, I realized my blog is not exactly living up to its title.

So, here goes....

::deep breath::

The second date. The surprising and wonderful second date.

With someone with whom I am comfortable. I am myself. Both the Zen and the Fun one.

Or so I thought.

He was the one who actually picked me up. Like, at my apartment. And he took me out. But not before sitting with me for a few minutes and chatting... And then kissing me in a way that had me a bit flustered and nearly leaving my keys in their little hanging place in the kitchen. (No, that wasn't our first kiss. Apparently, RetroMama kisses on the first date. ::shrug::)

And he opened the door to his car for me... And played me new music. (I am a total sucker for a guy who adds something to my world... Whether it's a new song, a new band, a new place, a new food... And on our first date, he'd already gotten the new food thing points.)

And we went out in my town.

And I was comfortable. And he held my hands across the table. And we joked and laughed and talked about lots of serious stuff too. I thought we were on the same wavelength with the "I'm not looking for a relationship right now... I'm just looking to enjoy good times with good people..." I told him that I'd made a lot of mistakes and that I've not always behaved honorably. But that I am consciously working to behave honorably from here on...

And after a dinner that we lingered over for more than 2 hours, we went for a walk. And we held hands. And we found a place to sit and people watch. And saw some wonderful things that you would only see in my town... And we just held each other and kissed and talked... And kissed...

And it was lovely.

And then he drove me home... Holding hands the whole way... And there was more kissing... And... Shtuff.

Okay, maybe I'm chickening out on the TMI stuff.

Let's just say that I'm not exactly putting another notch in my lipstick case. But it was discussed. And I realized I was open to it. (No pun intended.)

But we both seemed to realize that it was too fast. But that we'd take a raincheck.

And when he left, much later, it was with more kisses and assurances that it had been a great day. And we would talk in the next few days and see each other somewhere around the end of the week.

And I was grinning happily when I saw his name on my Caller ID this morning. And answered the phone cheerfully, glad that he'd called.

And I don't even remember the whole conversation, but I think I remember the gist of it.

Something along the lines of "This can't go anywhere... We're done."

Um, okay. Wait. WHAT???

Somewhere in there, he reminded me that he'd had a really good time with me, and it wasn't me, it was him... Blah, blah, blah.

I'm embarrassed to say that I actually cried a little after we got off the phone.

And not because I'd fallen for him or anything like that. But just from the shock of it. I'd had a great time. And, sadly, I will admit that it was a bit of a blow to the ol' self-esteem. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me again? ::hangs head in shame at that one:: But that was only for about five minutes.

Because then I spoke to a girlfriend who helped me put it into perspective... OF COURSE it's just that I kick too much ass. And he can't handle the awesomeness that is me.

Haha. I'm really not that stuck on myself. But I cannot believe I am just as crappy a judge of character as I was a year ago. (Okay, I actually snorted with laughter when I wrote that part! Heee!!!)

But seriously.

I do appreciate that he picked up the phone to explain it to me. I appreciate that he showed me that respect. I think that took guts.

And during that TMI Skype session, I absolutely adored the reassurances that he probably does actually like me. But got scared or whatever. (DM: "Do you have a penis, flutiefan? No. Then shut up." lmao.)

He'll figure it out. And maybe I'll be in a place where I'd give him another chance. Or maybe I won't. And that will be his loss. At least that's what everybody keeps telling me. But in this moment, I will admit that it still feels like my loss. Because I don't have that to anticipate.

But lucky me.

I have friends who want me to come visit. So I get to get the hell outta Dodge once again which is awesome. And be with people who want to be with me.

And I will continue to be open to whatever (and whomever) comes next.

Moving on...


  1. i may not have a penis, but i did read and see He's Just Not That Into You! if he wants to make it happen, he will do just that.
    if he's gonna be that wishy-washy, then forget him. if he doesn't appreciate *right now* that you're kick-ass, then forget him. if he makes you cry, then forget him!

  2. This leaves you open for the one who is supposed to be....Know it!

  3. I saw the movie, too. And while that movie may have caused me to burn a bridge or two with others, I simply didn't get that feeling here. But, yes. I hear you both. And I will.


  4. Ah the lovely confusion of dating... but I guess that is what dating is for, to give it a try and see how things go. Sounds like you are taking it all in stride and don't be too hard on yourself about judging character or it having anything to do with you. Good luck!

  5. girl, dating is just so wierd. it's a world of confusion and fun and terror and excitement all wrapped up together. kind of like a roller coaster ride on a full stomach. i am the last person to give advice on this so lemme just say instead, i LOVE the way you're expressing your experience here. that dude makes no sense to me, or to you, but somewhere in his own world that was what he needed to do. just like i'm sure people have wondered WTF??? about me at times. i don't have to tell you you're amazing and utterly lovable, because you know that - and you know i feel that way. keep posting about stuff. cuz I like it and it is, after all, all about your darling Cupcake.
    ;) love you.

  6. OH! and i meant to say, don't feel bad about the crying after the call...i think if we are all gut level honest, we all hope and hang on to things more than is socially acceptable to admit. on the inside. you know, where we torture ourselves with stuff. lol.

  7. First off he knew damned well that in another date or two he'd possibly get another notch in his belt so if he couldn't handle the concept of doing that without getting seroius quickly he really took the high road and was fair and honest with you. I've seen too much emotional wreckage when there is a disparity in emotional desires. Funny that every single guy wants a F buddy but when even the most awesome one imaginable is offered up on a silver platter, most guys just can't deal with the concept that she's not into them emotionally. You are awesome and don't let a lame end to a few dates make you think otherwise.


  8. A couple of points -

    1. Way better after 2nd date than after 2nd year.

    2. At least he called so you didn't have to wonder. And it sounds like he didn't use you

    If I had to guess I would say he probably has another relationship that had a glitch and he was medicating himself with your fantastic company.

    Erin's best student

  9. I missed this one, somehow. I'm sorry. While it is better to know after the 2nd date than the 2nd year (and it probably hurts a hell of a lot less now than it would after 2 years), that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt now. I hate dating, but I guess I should follow your excellent example and face my fears.