Patience and Trust and a dose of TMI.

I really need to give him a name. So you can keep them all straight. NOF says I need a white board. She's probably not wrong.

So, the guy that stepped up recently... The one whose middle name is Leon's real name. I'm going to call him CJ. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Anyway. I told SoulMate about CJ and she was all jazzed about him. So was Dr. Tim (aka Therapist). Dr. Tim did remind me to go into this with my eyes open, however. Because if someone seems too good to be true, then he could be a sociopath. Which makes me laugh. Because while CJ does seem pretty great these days, he's far from perfect. Although, he does say the right things. And via text, too.

CJ really stepped it up in the last week or so... I had been pretty sure he was dating someone else, but we hadn't talked about it. And it's not like I really cared, anyway. I was dating someone else. And still communicating with others. Oh, and still fucking the 23-year-old.

Oh, had I not mentioned that?

This kid's not to be confused with the 21-year-old valet. That was a one-time thing. Number deleted right afterward. Gone. Done. He's served his purpose.

But the 23-year-old. Sweet kid. Took him a few tries to get it through his head that he's just a booty call (or whatever you want to call it). But he seems to have gotten that memo. He's someone I had been flirting with for months, and not long after one of the many breaks with Leon, I pretty much spelled it out for him that we should and could hook up. But that is all it would be. And while he's young and sometimes that's frustrating (No, if we already have plans for you to come over at a certain time, you do NOT actually need to do the whole textual foreplay thing. If I say it's happening, I'm a sure thing. Leave me alone until you actually show up at my doorstep. I have other things to do in the meantime), it's been a pleasant experience. Safe, no strings attached, done. It's been enjoyable.

And I know it's finite. When I get serious about someone (or he does), we're done. This is just an amusement in the meantime.

But I didn't exactly expect it to end so soon.

But I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Something that could be real.

CJ uses words like "respect" and "understanding". And "I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with..."

Um, and he meant it. Two days after the marathon, he offered to come over and cuddle and give me a massage. And, hey, if he wanted to help me with the aches, I was not about to turn him down (No ice bath and a 5-hour drive makes for sore muscles for longer than usual).

So, he came over. And we talked and cuddled and made out. And there was... touching. And stuff. And I hadn't been waxed in weeks and he didn't seem to care. And then he made me come. Not once, either. And there I was, panting and clinging to him, ready to take him into my bedroom, and he stopped. Said, "You said you didn't want to do anything more tonight, so I'm going to go."

Um, what???? Oh, he didn't leave me hanging or anything. There was lots more hot kissing and fondling and such. But then he went. Because I had told him the day before that I wasn't ready for more. So, he showed the restraint that had flown out my window.

The next day, I ended up getting waxed. Impeccable timing. The good news is that my appointment is in his town. So, I texted him to let him know I would be around with no plans after 6. (This was the day it didn't rain.) He had to work til 7, and needed to stop by his folks'. Didn't want me waiting for him for an hour and a half (too cold), so did I want to get together Friday instead?

And then it turned out that my appointment ran later than I had expected. So, I hung out with my SoulMate and met him for dinner, because he instantly changed his plans a bit to be able to see me.

And we had a great time. And have been in pretty regular contact ever since. And then the texts got a bit naughty again. And I think we need to have a conversation.

I'm pretty sure that the next guy I have sex with is going to be someone who could have (gulp!) relationship potential.

And since I got rid of Leon for good, I find myself, suddenly, open to that.

Holy growth! What happened to the RetroMama who just wanted to fuck younger dudes?

She's actually open to something real.

Which, looking at it with the ClaRiTy distance brings, is NOT something I was actually open to with Leon. I told him that. I told him the last time we spoke that my biggest fear in telling him I loved him wasn't that he didn't feel the same. My biggest fear was that he would tell me he was ready to be together. Not only was I not completely ready, but I knew I'd have some cleaning up to do. I was seeing CJ and Roger at the time... Oh, and I had just opened up communications with someone else. Brendan. Who seems pretty awesome. So, that pressure he felt from me that I was pushing for a relationship was actually all in his imagination.

So, anyway. Back to last week. Starting to think that CJ and I need to have a bit of a talk. The "Are we going to have sex?" talk. And what does that entail? I haven't really asked him the tough questions yet. And, obviously, if he can't handle my questions, I won't go there. Regardless, he's someone I listen to. He tells me stuff in a way that makes me do it. And not a whole lot of people can influence me that way. Well, they can, but not when it comes to things like getting me to write 6000 words in a day. Or icing my knee. Or stay home so that I can get my holiday cards addressed and stuff. He steps back to let me do stuff. It's weird.

But anyway, I know this talk is coming. And I found myself wondering if I would end up being someone's girlfriend. Which I haven't been in quite awhile. I've been keeping my options open. But I'm ready to at least have that talk. And see where it goes.

But, um... Well...

Then there's Brendan. Who is a bit older. And who is funny and charming on the phone and via email. Who totally gets the whole "gratitude" thing I've got going on. And told me to "have a great(ful) day." Holy wow. He kind of gets me. And is open to that.

So, after an amazing night with E (complete with margaritas and flirting with wait staff!), I met up with Brendan at 7:30 for dirty chai. Because he's never had dirty chai and wanted to try it.

Of course, my favorite place is closed until 8:30 on Sundays. So, we decided to go to Starbucks for coffee instead. And after sitting and chatting for nearly two hours, decided to go to breakfast, too. And when we talked about what we had on the agenda for the day, he mentioned that he needed to go to a sporting goods store. Um, my favorite sporting goods store. Like, the store that has become my new playground. I asked if he was going to the one in my town and while that hadn't been his plan, did I want to go to the local one with him? Um, hello?

So, then we went there, too.

And more than 5 hours after our first hug hello, we finally hugged goodbye.

And I feel like I know him better in that first day than I have in six dates with CJ. And Brendan admitted that he hadn't planned to tell me most of what he did. (I get people to tell me stuff. It's part of my charm. ::shrug::). And we made a very tentative plan to see each other toward the end of this week if he's in town. He did tell me he's a guy who takes time to process stuff. And I thanked him for telling me because then I knew to be patient with him.

So, here I am. The day after the amazing date. And I haven't heard from him. NOF told me to be patient. I'm trying.

But I have heard from CJ. And he knows we're going to have a conversation. And that just might be tonight. Via phone. So I don't get distracted. But I did mention how it was strange that I trust him. And he said that I can probably tell he's just looking out for me. And he is. From our first date, he's looked out for me. And while I'm still sensing that he's not THE one, he very well could be A one.

So, this dilemma. It's a delicious one.

But I'm thinking it might be time to drop the 20-somethings. Then again, maybe we could give it one last go before calling it quits?

But I am gearing up for something real. Not necessarily something forever. But something that's reciprocal. And real. I'm ready to give this love stuff a chance.

But which one???

::giggle::

Okay, fine. Here goes.

AD sent me a link to something about "The Worst Blog Ever". And the gist of it was about how you're supposed to just write it. And click "publish post". Just do it.

And after tonight's little TMI Skype session with dear friends, I realized my blog is not exactly living up to its title.

So, here goes....

::deep breath::

The second date. The surprising and wonderful second date.

With someone with whom I am comfortable. I am myself. Both the Zen and the Fun one.

Or so I thought.

He was the one who actually picked me up. Like, at my apartment. And he took me out. But not before sitting with me for a few minutes and chatting... And then kissing me in a way that had me a bit flustered and nearly leaving my keys in their little hanging place in the kitchen. (No, that wasn't our first kiss. Apparently, RetroMama kisses on the first date. ::shrug::)

And he opened the door to his car for me... And played me new music. (I am a total sucker for a guy who adds something to my world... Whether it's a new song, a new band, a new place, a new food... And on our first date, he'd already gotten the new food thing points.)

And we went out in my town.

And I was comfortable. And he held my hands across the table. And we joked and laughed and talked about lots of serious stuff too. I thought we were on the same wavelength with the "I'm not looking for a relationship right now... I'm just looking to enjoy good times with good people..." I told him that I'd made a lot of mistakes and that I've not always behaved honorably. But that I am consciously working to behave honorably from here on...

And after a dinner that we lingered over for more than 2 hours, we went for a walk. And we held hands. And we found a place to sit and people watch. And saw some wonderful things that you would only see in my town... And we just held each other and kissed and talked... And kissed...

And it was lovely.

And then he drove me home... Holding hands the whole way... And there was more kissing... And... Shtuff.

Okay, maybe I'm chickening out on the TMI stuff.

Let's just say that I'm not exactly putting another notch in my lipstick case. But it was discussed. And I realized I was open to it. (No pun intended.)

But we both seemed to realize that it was too fast. But that we'd take a raincheck.

And when he left, much later, it was with more kisses and assurances that it had been a great day. And we would talk in the next few days and see each other somewhere around the end of the week.

And I was grinning happily when I saw his name on my Caller ID this morning. And answered the phone cheerfully, glad that he'd called.

And I don't even remember the whole conversation, but I think I remember the gist of it.

Something along the lines of "This can't go anywhere... We're done."

Um, okay. Wait. WHAT???

Somewhere in there, he reminded me that he'd had a really good time with me, and it wasn't me, it was him... Blah, blah, blah.

I'm embarrassed to say that I actually cried a little after we got off the phone.

And not because I'd fallen for him or anything like that. But just from the shock of it. I'd had a great time. And, sadly, I will admit that it was a bit of a blow to the ol' self-esteem. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me again? ::hangs head in shame at that one:: But that was only for about five minutes.

Because then I spoke to a girlfriend who helped me put it into perspective... OF COURSE it's just that I kick too much ass. And he can't handle the awesomeness that is me.

Haha. I'm really not that stuck on myself. But I cannot believe I am just as crappy a judge of character as I was a year ago. (Okay, I actually snorted with laughter when I wrote that part! Heee!!!)

But seriously.

I do appreciate that he picked up the phone to explain it to me. I appreciate that he showed me that respect. I think that took guts.

And during that TMI Skype session, I absolutely adored the reassurances that he probably does actually like me. But got scared or whatever. (DM: "Do you have a penis, flutiefan? No. Then shut up." lmao.)

He'll figure it out. And maybe I'll be in a place where I'd give him another chance. Or maybe I won't. And that will be his loss. At least that's what everybody keeps telling me. But in this moment, I will admit that it still feels like my loss. Because I don't have that to anticipate.

But lucky me.

I have friends who want me to come visit. So I get to get the hell outta Dodge once again which is awesome. And be with people who want to be with me.

And I will continue to be open to whatever (and whomever) comes next.

Moving on...