Now I get to choose between Quality and Quality.

Have you missed me?

I have.

Um, remember this? The list?

I just re-read it.

And, um...

So far, Eric is all of that. I don't know how he is in bed. Not that he didn't offer to let me find out... The first time we met.

Let me backtrack.

I was supposed to flee the state for Valentines Day weekend. And my friend ended up getting sick, so there I was... Alone... For the entire weekend. With no plans. Not a good place for me to be at that time.

It ended up being a lovely weekend. I spoke to Brendan while he was on a long drive... For, like, two hours. He even brought me into the convenience store while he stocked up on candy and water. I told him to get Spree, but that doesn't seem to be found very easily lately.

Anyway.

The next day, something happened that I wasn't clear about... And it turned out the ultrarunner that I'd been interested in last year knew what had happened... And we got to texting... And then I was sitting there reflecting... About how pivotal he was in my world. How he was a part of that Mother's Day weekend last year that changed everything... And I had never thanked him.

So, I did.

And we ended up meeting for dinner. And it was awesome. He promised to call the next day.

But I woke up thinking about Brendan.... Hoping he would call me on his way home. And perhaps we could meet. Because he pretty much has to drive through my town to get home. We texted that morning and he promised to call me on his way home.

And then the ultrarunner didn't call. I didn't expect the ultrarunner to call (nor did I particularly care. Except that I hadn't asked him to call. He simply volunteered when we'd said goodnight the night before). But I did expect Brendan to call.

In the meantime, someone contacted me through the dating website... And I found myself intrigued...

He'd posted what he's looking for in a woman...

What I look for in a woman: cute, funny, smart, sassy, honest, kind, open minded, intellectual curiosity, socially conscious, playful, affectionate, mischievous, down to earth, wine tasting fan, responsible, professional, independent, outdoorsy, reader, fan of the arts, single, good communication skills, movie lover, passionate, sensual, romantic, friend, adventurous, social

Um, hi? Has he been reading my blog?

We wrote back and forth a few times that day. I was totally entertained, but still had my hopes sky-high for Brendan. But then he didn't call.

So, there I was... Valentine's Day. I'd gotten to see my son for maybe an hour or two, but he wasn't with me that night. And I missed him. And then the boy I liked disappointed me. By breaking a promise.

So, when I opened a bottle of Cabernet that night and sat on the couch to feel sorry for myself, the tears came... And that's when the phone rang.

It was Brendan.

I quickly dried my tears and was pleasant on the phone. He wanted to follow through with the phone call he'd promised, but he waited until he got home... Hmmm...

The next day, the emails with the new guy flew fast and furiously... And then Brendan called that night. A spur-of-the-moment thing. And when we hung up, I got an email from the new guy... Asking me if we could talk. He wanted to "match the voice to the prose"... And I was excited to talk to him. I had been very much enjoying his emails. He's clever and funny... Asked me lots of really good questions...

We were on the phone til midnight.

And I liked him. I really liked him.

Which kind of confused me about how I felt about Brendan. I'd been putting in a lot of effort with him. Because he was worth it. I'd been calling him "my future husband, but he doesn't know it yet" for two months. Completely convinced that it was just a matter of time until he decided not to be afraid of our connection and to decide that we would be great.

And then Brendan didn't call the day he said he would. Again. Ugh.

So, then the new guy and I decided we could meet. His travel plans for work changed and could I meet him for lunch near my work? I couldn't, but we ended up meeting at my favorite coffee shop that afternoon.

And after four days of amazing phone calls and emails, we were both pretty excited.

I still spoke to Brendan on the way to work that morning. Didn't mention anything about the new guy (although I think he had stepped up the contact when I did mention I'd been on a date that weekend), but we had a great conversation. Totally connected. Again.

But I was anticipating meeting the new guy that afternoon. My body was humming with tension and excitement.

D talked me down while I was driving there... Told me to breathe and shit. Reminded me that I had been thinking Brendan was "the one" and how could I be so into someone else in such a short period of time?

And I talked it out. About how Brendan is actively working towards something in his work. And I love listening to him talk about it. But he says things about how he wants to be a man of his word. And yet... He hasn't been that with me. How many times does he get to promise he'll call at a particular time or on a particular day and then not and then I blow it off? I don't stand for that in others, why do I with him? Fears shmears. I was on my way to meet someone who absolutely had been showing me that he is interested in me.

And there he was.

And he gave me an amazing gift... Something beautiful and perfect for me.

And I was so completely not attracted to him.

Fuck.

But I stayed. And drank dirty chai. And got to know each other further. Ish.

And then he asked, "Do you want to get out of here?"

And I asked, warily, "And go where?"

"Back to my place," he replied.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't."

We went for a walk instead. And I couldn't find the words to tell this guy that I totally adored him, but was completely not attracted to him and could we just be really good friends?

But I still kissed him. Hoping I would feel something. But I didn't.

Within moments of driving away, he was texting me and emailing me. Apologizing for what he'd asked.

I told him I needed time to process and no, I wouldn't see him before he left town for work. But that I would talk to him when he got back...

We emailed for a couple of days... I called Brendan and asked him to meet me for dirty chai (he'd never tried it) that weekend. And he did.

And, again, we had a great time together. He told me his birthday was coming up the following week. And I called him out on how he tells me he'll call on a particular day and then doesn't. And that it's not okay. And he said he wouldn't do that anymore.

And I knew that the new guy had a date with someone else that night. I found myself wondering how it had gone. And I asked him. Because I wanted to be friends with him, right?

I went to bed and woke up to his response. He'd joked that he'd slept with her. And I didn't like that I felt a twinge of something when I read that. I was grateful that the next thing I read was that he'd been joking. But I was confused that I felt relieved.

Why did I care? I wasn't attracted to him. He can fuck whomever he chooses.

But I really, really liked him. And I must admit that I really, really appreciated that he pretty much really liked me. (He swore he wasn't in love with me. But that he was "smitten".)

And then something shifted. He went away for work. And it was like I was with him on that trip. He emailed often and texted and called me from hundreds of miles away. And he asked the greatest questions... Like about who my best friend is. And why was she my best friend? And I've been brutally honest with him, "Yes, if I had to choose today, I would say that we would be just friends... But I'm open to seeing you again... When we're not so nervous..."

And I love what he does for a living. It's something I admire. And he is really good at it. And I love that I'm never left wondering if he's thinking about me... Because he lets me know. And I have come to realize that I require that from someone I'm dating. I require daily contact. Even if it's just a text or something quick on a busy day. But that's not negotiable.

But I'd found Spree the day after I'd seen Brendan. And I bought it for him for his birthday. And I found a few other bits of perfection that he would totally love.

And on his birthday, I called him on my way to work. I got his voicemail, but left an adorable message.

I realized I was keeping my weekend free, hoping I would see him.

But then the new guy asked if I was around, and I found that I had decided I would see him on Friday night. I would wait til his kids went to bed and go see him. And we would keep it casual, and I would see how I felt about him when I was in his space. I felt like I wanted to be in control. And, I admit that I sensed that he would make himself available if I decided I wanted to see him. I made it very clear that he was not to ask me to have sex with him. Haha.

But then I didn't even hear from Brendan. I finally texted to ask if he'd gotten my voicemail. And he texted me right back and asked if he could call me Friday morning. After crying to TF, I responded adorably that he could (because it would be FRIDAY!! LOL.). She helped me decide that I wouldn't give him the other small gifts I'd purchased. But I could give him the card and the two rolls of Spree. Because that's small and cute.

I woke up Friday morning to an email sent from an airport from the new guy.

And Brendan didn't call.

And I found myself re-reading the Leon blogs. And seeing some major similarities.

So, I decided I would eat the Spree.

Fuck Brendan. I'm done.

And then I saw the new guy.

Eric.

And I was so much more comfortable with him. He served me wine (a zinfandel in a real zinfandel glass) and we just talked... And he told me that he never talks about his work. He just tells people he does government work. But he told me. And I find it utterly fascinating. And he talked about a celebration that is a few months away. And I found myself wanting to be a part of that. And then he told me he wants me to be a part of it. He'd asked me to bring my iPod because he wanted to hear what music I listen to. And I did. (This is pretty rare for me, actually, for some reason...)

And he asked me more questions and I told him about different friends and different relationships... I told him about how I'd been in a band several years ago and how much I miss it... He says I'm like an onion... That he wants to peel back the layers of me and that he is fascinated by the person I am... That there are so many facets to me.

And he's not running away, screaming. He doesn't seem to be intimidated by the gigantic personality that is RetroMama.

And then he told me he wanted to kiss me. And I let him.

And this time, I felt something. It was lovely.

And we just sat and held hands and hugged and talked and it was beautiful.

I got home at 1:30 in the morning... And I ate a red Spree.

Why, yes, I am in junior high...

I've been asked to update.

It's been an absolutely amazing week.

I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.

I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!

I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.

But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.

But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.

I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.

Oy.

But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.

And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.

And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."

I don't think he had known my mom is dead.

::awkward silence::

But it wasn't awkward.

It was amazing.

And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.

And then he told me he's dating someone.

Fuck.

They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).

And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.

I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.

I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.

But this time it's different.

It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.

And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.

All's fair in Love and War, right?

If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.

I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.

I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)

So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.

And then my phone rang.

And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!

He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.

It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.

I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.

And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.

And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.

And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)

So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.

:D

Ready.

The 72-hour relationship.

The day I was to leave town, my gramma referred to Clark as my boyfriend. Um, WTF? He's so not my boyfriend?

That same afternoon, E called him the same thing. E and Wendy and I took off on our road trip that night and it was like Clark was in the car with us. He kept texting me half the drive (could we ever get out of our damned state??) and there I was, topless in the car, so that I could take a picture to send to his phone... Along with the photos of the girls, too.

They called him my boyfriend all weekend. I never did. But I liked that they did.

And then it was over. The day after I got back. I don't quite know what happened, but have since realized that my defenses were down because of a significant number on the calendar that week. Before I went to visit Dr. Tim, I called the Ex and we had a conversation. Of course he's been wondering if we can work things out. And I sensed that. But when he didn't want me there on that particular night, I ended up hooking up with a complete stranger. And a bunch of orgasms later, I was willing to overlook the stupid shit that he pulled that made Clark so completely inappropriate for me.

I gave myself one day to cry. And I wasn't even crying over Clark. No, I was too busy crying as I ripped myself a new one for being so fucking stupid.

But I'm over that now. Ish.

I was vulnerable and he saw that and got what he was looking for. And, I guess I got what I was looking for too... And that experience helped me to keep the 23-year-old out of my bed. And I keep telling him that. But he keeps contacting me. Oy. Poor kid.

But that out-of-state road trip... Totally amazing... Too much fun... I saw dear friends I hadn't seen in far too long... We got kicked out of a restaurant and, shockingly, it wasn't even my fault... I got an amazing tattoo that I've planned for nearly two years... I spent a significant amount of time with Wendy and saw her do something she'd never done before... And all that time, I thought I just might have a boyfriend.

And I liked that.

So, it was a learning experience. And I looked back at my list and I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I was so willing to overlook two glaring omissions in Clark... He's not a coffee drinker and he doesn't read. And I knew the first time we spoke that he doesn't read. What was I thinking???

And I need to keep my wits about me... The Ex will be up to his old tricks pretty soon... So, no matter how great everything is right now, it's not going to last. Oh, hell, no. So, I need to stop thinking that stuff, too...

I'm getting pretty good and deleting stuff. Phone numbers, pictures, email addresses... I don't want to be the psycho chick. I won't be. No matter how tempting it is to demand some kind of an answer. I can draw my own conclusions, chalk it up to a learning experience, and stay away.

But then there's Brendan... And after a day of wondering and crying and shit, I have a plan... And I'm excited about it... And I'm not deleting his information... Because that guy could actually be worth it... He pretty much is lots of things on the list... And while there are a few things I have yet to discover about him (we haven't even kissed yet! (Holy clarity, did I just type "yet"???)), I haven't been able to get him out of my head... Even with all of that other stuff I've been doing...

Eight days from now, I will know. And, shockingly, my hopes are back up.

Because I realized something yesterday... And I put it up on the dating website and everything... That I'm not looking for something that is meaningless. I'm looking for something real.

I'm ready to care about someone. Someone special. Someone worthy.

So, even though the flowers I bought for myself last week are still looking beautiful, I'm ready for a new bouquet...

And I'm going to try to be done with the compromising... Although I do know that I told D the truth that day... I never wanted anything Forever with Clark... I wouldn't have minded a few more interludes, but whatever. I'm moving to the grateful place... Grateful that he gave me what he did, got me through those few days (when I might have done something even more stupid??? (And, yes, if you were in my head, you'd realize that there are certainly a few things that would be even more stupid than what I did with him)), and then let me go...

And realizing that he's the 2nd guy in a few weeks to become all uncommunicative and shit... Made me realize that I had some unfinished business to take care of... And I wrote the letter of apology that was long overdue... Like, six years overdue.

But it's never too late to do the right thing... And even if she decides to hate me forever, I'm okay with that. I went against my instincts years ago... Just like I did a couple of weeks ago... But I'm learning my lessons... I'm still evolving... And I want to be around the people who like the person I am... Not the person I pretend to be when I'm drunk and hurting.

So, Universe... I have this to say...

The man I'm looking for??? He can be scared... But he has to decide to take the risk... Even if I'm the one who has to present it. He can either fight for me or be willing to be fought for... And, yes, Universe... He has to be someone I can be Friends with... And it's okay to start there.

Ish.

::giggle::

Stood up.

Dear CJ,

Thank you.

Thank you for being a nice, somewhat normal guy.

Thank you for that banter in the beginning. Hell, even up until yesterday afternoon.

Thank you for enjoying the brownie and for telling me so.

Thank you for respecting my wishes that night. And for making me stick to my rules.

Thank you for being so pivotal in getting me to complete my second novel. (I do hope that when it gets published next month, you'll get a copy. Because there's something in it just for YOU.)

Thank you for getting me out and about to watch football and to see movies and to see the lights that night.

Thank you for kissing me in parking lots.

Thank you for answering my questions (well, until the last few days).

Thank you for telling me that you like me and that I'm very sexy.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Thank you for making me come.

Thank you for not having sex with me.

Thank you for helping me see that Leon would never be worthy. Even though you never knew he even existed.

Thank you for asking me good questions. Thank you for asking hard questions. Thank you for not holding any of those answers against me.

I'm sorry that the fact that I was alone for nearly 48 hours starting on Christmas Day affected you. I don't quite understand the dynamics of your family stuff, so it was hard for me to accept when I didn't hear from you. I'm sorry that the fact that I was taking on a 50k race (hence, the Race Mode attitude) affected you. And I'm sorry that there was a PMS issue there, too.

But if you were done, you really could have told me. And you could have let it end on Saturday. You didn't have to act like I mattered more than I actually do. You didn't have to beg for a chance to have a conversation. You didn't have to check on me after my race and be all sympathetic when you heard how messed up I was.

And you certainly didn't have to flirt with me all afternoon yesterday. And ask me to dinner. And then when I said I couldn't do dinner, you didn't have to tell me that you would come up and see me. And be all smiley and winky about it.

And when you realized you had woken up from an unplanned nap, you should have picked up the phone and called me. Instead of texting me to ask if I would still be willing to meet with you another night.

You could have just let it go.

Which, apparently, is what you've done today. But without even a call or a text.

And that is pretty much the first shitty thing you've done. Well, aside from dragging it out.

So, I hope you listen to the voicemail I left you.

And I hope you know that even though you were, supposedly, afraid of hurting me, you didn't.

I may be confused. I may be surprised. But I'm not that sad to see you go. You weren't "the one". And I knew that. But you were a nice guy to practice on for awhile. You were fun. And I liked you.

And, hey, you got me to stop sleeping with the 23-year-old. No, I didn't give him up FOR you. But it was time to give him up before he got hurt (oops?).

Maybe I'd be more upset if I wasn't reminded with increasing clarity just how many blessings there are in my world. If I didn't have this amazing little boy who brings me constant joys. Or if I didn't have amazing and wonderful friends whom I love fiercely and who love me back. Or if I wasn't hearing from Brendan again. Or if I didn't know that I'm fleeing the county in another sleep and won't be back until 2010.

But I do have those wonderful things in my world.

And while I feel this weird sense of unfinishedness (I get to make up words. Deal with it.), I am hoping that a few days away will help to alleviate that.

So, bye, CJ. I'm actually bummed that it ended like this. But I'm not all that bummed that it's ended.

Take care,
RetroMama

Patience and Trust and a dose of TMI.

I really need to give him a name. So you can keep them all straight. NOF says I need a white board. She's probably not wrong.

So, the guy that stepped up recently... The one whose middle name is Leon's real name. I'm going to call him CJ. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Anyway. I told SoulMate about CJ and she was all jazzed about him. So was Dr. Tim (aka Therapist). Dr. Tim did remind me to go into this with my eyes open, however. Because if someone seems too good to be true, then he could be a sociopath. Which makes me laugh. Because while CJ does seem pretty great these days, he's far from perfect. Although, he does say the right things. And via text, too.

CJ really stepped it up in the last week or so... I had been pretty sure he was dating someone else, but we hadn't talked about it. And it's not like I really cared, anyway. I was dating someone else. And still communicating with others. Oh, and still fucking the 23-year-old.

Oh, had I not mentioned that?

This kid's not to be confused with the 21-year-old valet. That was a one-time thing. Number deleted right afterward. Gone. Done. He's served his purpose.

But the 23-year-old. Sweet kid. Took him a few tries to get it through his head that he's just a booty call (or whatever you want to call it). But he seems to have gotten that memo. He's someone I had been flirting with for months, and not long after one of the many breaks with Leon, I pretty much spelled it out for him that we should and could hook up. But that is all it would be. And while he's young and sometimes that's frustrating (No, if we already have plans for you to come over at a certain time, you do NOT actually need to do the whole textual foreplay thing. If I say it's happening, I'm a sure thing. Leave me alone until you actually show up at my doorstep. I have other things to do in the meantime), it's been a pleasant experience. Safe, no strings attached, done. It's been enjoyable.

And I know it's finite. When I get serious about someone (or he does), we're done. This is just an amusement in the meantime.

But I didn't exactly expect it to end so soon.

But I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Something that could be real.

CJ uses words like "respect" and "understanding". And "I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with..."

Um, and he meant it. Two days after the marathon, he offered to come over and cuddle and give me a massage. And, hey, if he wanted to help me with the aches, I was not about to turn him down (No ice bath and a 5-hour drive makes for sore muscles for longer than usual).

So, he came over. And we talked and cuddled and made out. And there was... touching. And stuff. And I hadn't been waxed in weeks and he didn't seem to care. And then he made me come. Not once, either. And there I was, panting and clinging to him, ready to take him into my bedroom, and he stopped. Said, "You said you didn't want to do anything more tonight, so I'm going to go."

Um, what???? Oh, he didn't leave me hanging or anything. There was lots more hot kissing and fondling and such. But then he went. Because I had told him the day before that I wasn't ready for more. So, he showed the restraint that had flown out my window.

The next day, I ended up getting waxed. Impeccable timing. The good news is that my appointment is in his town. So, I texted him to let him know I would be around with no plans after 6. (This was the day it didn't rain.) He had to work til 7, and needed to stop by his folks'. Didn't want me waiting for him for an hour and a half (too cold), so did I want to get together Friday instead?

And then it turned out that my appointment ran later than I had expected. So, I hung out with my SoulMate and met him for dinner, because he instantly changed his plans a bit to be able to see me.

And we had a great time. And have been in pretty regular contact ever since. And then the texts got a bit naughty again. And I think we need to have a conversation.

I'm pretty sure that the next guy I have sex with is going to be someone who could have (gulp!) relationship potential.

And since I got rid of Leon for good, I find myself, suddenly, open to that.

Holy growth! What happened to the RetroMama who just wanted to fuck younger dudes?

She's actually open to something real.

Which, looking at it with the ClaRiTy distance brings, is NOT something I was actually open to with Leon. I told him that. I told him the last time we spoke that my biggest fear in telling him I loved him wasn't that he didn't feel the same. My biggest fear was that he would tell me he was ready to be together. Not only was I not completely ready, but I knew I'd have some cleaning up to do. I was seeing CJ and Roger at the time... Oh, and I had just opened up communications with someone else. Brendan. Who seems pretty awesome. So, that pressure he felt from me that I was pushing for a relationship was actually all in his imagination.

So, anyway. Back to last week. Starting to think that CJ and I need to have a bit of a talk. The "Are we going to have sex?" talk. And what does that entail? I haven't really asked him the tough questions yet. And, obviously, if he can't handle my questions, I won't go there. Regardless, he's someone I listen to. He tells me stuff in a way that makes me do it. And not a whole lot of people can influence me that way. Well, they can, but not when it comes to things like getting me to write 6000 words in a day. Or icing my knee. Or stay home so that I can get my holiday cards addressed and stuff. He steps back to let me do stuff. It's weird.

But anyway, I know this talk is coming. And I found myself wondering if I would end up being someone's girlfriend. Which I haven't been in quite awhile. I've been keeping my options open. But I'm ready to at least have that talk. And see where it goes.

But, um... Well...

Then there's Brendan. Who is a bit older. And who is funny and charming on the phone and via email. Who totally gets the whole "gratitude" thing I've got going on. And told me to "have a great(ful) day." Holy wow. He kind of gets me. And is open to that.

So, after an amazing night with E (complete with margaritas and flirting with wait staff!), I met up with Brendan at 7:30 for dirty chai. Because he's never had dirty chai and wanted to try it.

Of course, my favorite place is closed until 8:30 on Sundays. So, we decided to go to Starbucks for coffee instead. And after sitting and chatting for nearly two hours, decided to go to breakfast, too. And when we talked about what we had on the agenda for the day, he mentioned that he needed to go to a sporting goods store. Um, my favorite sporting goods store. Like, the store that has become my new playground. I asked if he was going to the one in my town and while that hadn't been his plan, did I want to go to the local one with him? Um, hello?

So, then we went there, too.

And more than 5 hours after our first hug hello, we finally hugged goodbye.

And I feel like I know him better in that first day than I have in six dates with CJ. And Brendan admitted that he hadn't planned to tell me most of what he did. (I get people to tell me stuff. It's part of my charm. ::shrug::). And we made a very tentative plan to see each other toward the end of this week if he's in town. He did tell me he's a guy who takes time to process stuff. And I thanked him for telling me because then I knew to be patient with him.

So, here I am. The day after the amazing date. And I haven't heard from him. NOF told me to be patient. I'm trying.

But I have heard from CJ. And he knows we're going to have a conversation. And that just might be tonight. Via phone. So I don't get distracted. But I did mention how it was strange that I trust him. And he said that I can probably tell he's just looking out for me. And he is. From our first date, he's looked out for me. And while I'm still sensing that he's not THE one, he very well could be A one.

So, this dilemma. It's a delicious one.

But I'm thinking it might be time to drop the 20-somethings. Then again, maybe we could give it one last go before calling it quits?

But I am gearing up for something real. Not necessarily something forever. But something that's reciprocal. And real. I'm ready to give this love stuff a chance.

But which one???

::giggle::