Saturday, January 30, 2010

Why, yes, I am in junior high...

I've been asked to update.

It's been an absolutely amazing week.

I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.

I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!

I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.

But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.

But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.

I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.


But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.

And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.

And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."

I don't think he had known my mom is dead.

::awkward silence::

But it wasn't awkward.

It was amazing.

And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.

And then he told me he's dating someone.


They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).

And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.

I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.

I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.

But this time it's different.

It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.

And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.

All's fair in Love and War, right?

If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.

I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.

I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)

So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.

And then my phone rang.

And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!

He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.

It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.

I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.

And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.

And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.

And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)

So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.


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