Those Three Little Words.

This afternoon, I got a text from someone who had recently "caught up on" my blog entries. Asked if I was okay with the whole on-again, off-again thing with Eric.

And I realized that I am pretty much totally okay with where he and I are right now.

Although something happened today that gave me pause.

He called me when he had a spare few moments... And as we ended our conversation, he threw out "I love you."

I hesitated. The kidlet was in the next room, and I wasn't sure I wanted to answer any questions. I did answer with "I love you, too," after a moment.

And it's strange.

Because he refused for so many months to say it, stopping himself whenever we got off the phone. And then he said it that one night, but then didn't for several days.

And today.

He just threw it out there. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

And now I'm the one that's all uncomfortable.

And I wonder if I'm uncomfortable because of where we, supposedly, are in our relationship? Sure, I'm free to see other people. So is he. But I told him not to tell me if he does. Because I would be horribly jealous.

And yet... The Ex and I are taking the kidlet on a trip together. Just for a few days. And I have yet to mention that to Eric.

Why am I not telling him? I know that I will tell him. I just haven't had the chance. It's not really something I want to throw out in a text. And I have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't think it's guilt that I feel. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes, though. How would I feel if he and his ex were taking a trip together with their kids? I'd like to think I'd be okay with it. But I don't really know. And I can say I'd be fine with it 'til the cows come home, because I am 100% certain that I will never have to worry about that.

Ah, sweet hypocrisy.

I guess I feel like maybe he thinks we're back together. And in my mind, we're not. Sure we're planning a major trip out of the country together. But that doesn't mean I'm his girlfriend. Or rather, I suppose I am his girlfriend. But he's not my boyfriend. Does that make sense?

Hmm... Actually, it does make sense in my head.

So, I'll just keep doing my thing. Not freaking out when I only hear from him sporadically during this time... Going on my own little mini-vacations.

I laughed when I said something about how "It must be summer. I'm barely sleeping in my own bed." And it's not that I'm sleeping in anybody else's. At least not WITH them. I'm just traveling a lot.

And I like that. It keeps me sane... Well, sane-ish.

::grin::

Ready.

The 72-hour relationship.

The day I was to leave town, my gramma referred to Clark as my boyfriend. Um, WTF? He's so not my boyfriend?

That same afternoon, E called him the same thing. E and Wendy and I took off on our road trip that night and it was like Clark was in the car with us. He kept texting me half the drive (could we ever get out of our damned state??) and there I was, topless in the car, so that I could take a picture to send to his phone... Along with the photos of the girls, too.

They called him my boyfriend all weekend. I never did. But I liked that they did.

And then it was over. The day after I got back. I don't quite know what happened, but have since realized that my defenses were down because of a significant number on the calendar that week. Before I went to visit Dr. Tim, I called the Ex and we had a conversation. Of course he's been wondering if we can work things out. And I sensed that. But when he didn't want me there on that particular night, I ended up hooking up with a complete stranger. And a bunch of orgasms later, I was willing to overlook the stupid shit that he pulled that made Clark so completely inappropriate for me.

I gave myself one day to cry. And I wasn't even crying over Clark. No, I was too busy crying as I ripped myself a new one for being so fucking stupid.

But I'm over that now. Ish.

I was vulnerable and he saw that and got what he was looking for. And, I guess I got what I was looking for too... And that experience helped me to keep the 23-year-old out of my bed. And I keep telling him that. But he keeps contacting me. Oy. Poor kid.

But that out-of-state road trip... Totally amazing... Too much fun... I saw dear friends I hadn't seen in far too long... We got kicked out of a restaurant and, shockingly, it wasn't even my fault... I got an amazing tattoo that I've planned for nearly two years... I spent a significant amount of time with Wendy and saw her do something she'd never done before... And all that time, I thought I just might have a boyfriend.

And I liked that.

So, it was a learning experience. And I looked back at my list and I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I was so willing to overlook two glaring omissions in Clark... He's not a coffee drinker and he doesn't read. And I knew the first time we spoke that he doesn't read. What was I thinking???

And I need to keep my wits about me... The Ex will be up to his old tricks pretty soon... So, no matter how great everything is right now, it's not going to last. Oh, hell, no. So, I need to stop thinking that stuff, too...

I'm getting pretty good and deleting stuff. Phone numbers, pictures, email addresses... I don't want to be the psycho chick. I won't be. No matter how tempting it is to demand some kind of an answer. I can draw my own conclusions, chalk it up to a learning experience, and stay away.

But then there's Brendan... And after a day of wondering and crying and shit, I have a plan... And I'm excited about it... And I'm not deleting his information... Because that guy could actually be worth it... He pretty much is lots of things on the list... And while there are a few things I have yet to discover about him (we haven't even kissed yet! (Holy clarity, did I just type "yet"???)), I haven't been able to get him out of my head... Even with all of that other stuff I've been doing...

Eight days from now, I will know. And, shockingly, my hopes are back up.

Because I realized something yesterday... And I put it up on the dating website and everything... That I'm not looking for something that is meaningless. I'm looking for something real.

I'm ready to care about someone. Someone special. Someone worthy.

So, even though the flowers I bought for myself last week are still looking beautiful, I'm ready for a new bouquet...

And I'm going to try to be done with the compromising... Although I do know that I told D the truth that day... I never wanted anything Forever with Clark... I wouldn't have minded a few more interludes, but whatever. I'm moving to the grateful place... Grateful that he gave me what he did, got me through those few days (when I might have done something even more stupid??? (And, yes, if you were in my head, you'd realize that there are certainly a few things that would be even more stupid than what I did with him)), and then let me go...

And realizing that he's the 2nd guy in a few weeks to become all uncommunicative and shit... Made me realize that I had some unfinished business to take care of... And I wrote the letter of apology that was long overdue... Like, six years overdue.

But it's never too late to do the right thing... And even if she decides to hate me forever, I'm okay with that. I went against my instincts years ago... Just like I did a couple of weeks ago... But I'm learning my lessons... I'm still evolving... And I want to be around the people who like the person I am... Not the person I pretend to be when I'm drunk and hurting.

So, Universe... I have this to say...

The man I'm looking for??? He can be scared... But he has to decide to take the risk... Even if I'm the one who has to present it. He can either fight for me or be willing to be fought for... And, yes, Universe... He has to be someone I can be Friends with... And it's okay to start there.

Ish.

::giggle::