Thursday, July 1, 2010

Those Three Little Words.

This afternoon, I got a text from someone who had recently "caught up on" my blog entries. Asked if I was okay with the whole on-again, off-again thing with Eric.

And I realized that I am pretty much totally okay with where he and I are right now.

Although something happened today that gave me pause.

He called me when he had a spare few moments... And as we ended our conversation, he threw out "I love you."

I hesitated. The kidlet was in the next room, and I wasn't sure I wanted to answer any questions. I did answer with "I love you, too," after a moment.

And it's strange.

Because he refused for so many months to say it, stopping himself whenever we got off the phone. And then he said it that one night, but then didn't for several days.

And today.

He just threw it out there. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

And now I'm the one that's all uncomfortable.

And I wonder if I'm uncomfortable because of where we, supposedly, are in our relationship? Sure, I'm free to see other people. So is he. But I told him not to tell me if he does. Because I would be horribly jealous.

And yet... The Ex and I are taking the kidlet on a trip together. Just for a few days. And I have yet to mention that to Eric.

Why am I not telling him? I know that I will tell him. I just haven't had the chance. It's not really something I want to throw out in a text. And I have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't think it's guilt that I feel. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes, though. How would I feel if he and his ex were taking a trip together with their kids? I'd like to think I'd be okay with it. But I don't really know. And I can say I'd be fine with it 'til the cows come home, because I am 100% certain that I will never have to worry about that.

Ah, sweet hypocrisy.

I guess I feel like maybe he thinks we're back together. And in my mind, we're not. Sure we're planning a major trip out of the country together. But that doesn't mean I'm his girlfriend. Or rather, I suppose I am his girlfriend. But he's not my boyfriend. Does that make sense?

Hmm... Actually, it does make sense in my head.

So, I'll just keep doing my thing. Not freaking out when I only hear from him sporadically during this time... Going on my own little mini-vacations.

I laughed when I said something about how "It must be summer. I'm barely sleeping in my own bed." And it's not that I'm sleeping in anybody else's. At least not WITH them. I'm just traveling a lot.

And I like that. It keeps me sane... Well, sane-ish.


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