Sunday, July 11, 2010

Timing is Everything.

A few weeks ago, I'd made plans to meet a couple of the good girls for dinner. We had kept it on the DL because one of them was in town for a few weeks and didn't have time to see everyone. I decided to meet them and then stay at my gramma's for a night before heading to the spa and a little getaway.

I'd planned the getaway a few weeks earlier. Eric was going to be out of town and the Ex and the kidlet were supposed to take a trip during that time. They would be back in time for my niece's birthday party and I wasn't going to be invited, of course.

After the whole new year's debacle and then the experience with the sheriff, I knew that getting the hell out of dodge would be the best for everybody. Most importantly, it would be the best for me.

Of course, the Ex didn't end up taking the kidlet on the trip he'd planned. And there I was, with a pre-paid hotel room. I was going away, anyway.

As I was finishing up my packing, I got a text, asking me if I was going to be getting together with the mean girls that night. Ironically, a couple of them were in town and there was a mini-reunion happening that night. A mini-reunion that the good girls would have known about. And I was so grateful that I already had plans. And while I would have enjoyed seeing a couple of the people who would be at that reunion, I was extremely grateful to be planning a low-key evening with people that would keep it drama-free.

I had the thought-process that perhaps my name would come up at that mini-reunion. And I thought that it would be really sad if these women who hadn't seen each other in a year had nothing more interesting going on in their lives than to talk about me. I haven't asked what happened that night, and I'm pleased with myself about that. I'm pretty beyond that whole crowd.

And the three of us just had a wonderful time. Jenn kept telling me that the Ex still loves me. And while I didn't like hearing it, I knew that I needed to. And we talked about how we do actually judge people, but that a real friend loves you anyway.

I'd been reflecting upon a question that Eric asked me not too long ago... "Retromama, do you have a lot of girlfriends with whom you've had "breakups"?"

And I was somewhat embarrassed to admit that, yes, I have had very close friendships that have ended in some kind of a breakup. Of course, Eric had witnessed the Ari thing. And I found myself contemplating the mean girls and their reasons for being so cruel to me. And it came down to how they had judged me for behaviors that were none of their business. And they decided they no longer loved me because of something I had done that had nothing to do with them. And I really wondered if I had ever done that in any of my past breakups with friends.

And I realized that when I broke up with girlfriends in the past, it wasn't because they had made a choice for themselves with which I didn't agree. It was more because of WHO they were. As in, their aura. Their energies.

Sure, Ari and I broke up because of her betrayal, but she and I were on the outs long before us. She was a person that I couldn't count on or even trust. Hence, the ultimate breakup.

With Rae? Who had been my closest friend when the Ex and I had first gotten married? Sure, she was making decisions about her own life that I didn't agree with. But the breakup came only when those decisions actually affected me and my family. I couldn't keep her negativity around me and my family.

The crap that I pulled that caused the mean girls to break up with me? Shit, they should be grateful for that stuff. Because if I hadn't been running around keeping a few secrets from them, I wouldn't have even been around for all of the amazing experiences we shared. At the end of the day, I was a better friend to them than I would have been during that time.

Which gets me back to my grateful place about the soulmate. I didn't run into him when I was in his town. And I was glad. But I know now that I could have. And I would have been okay. And I reflected upon all of the experiences I had during the time that he was in my world. Not experiences I had with him, but on my own because he encouraged me to get out.

And then there I was, all alone in a hotel room for two days. And I spent an entire glorious day reading... It was lovely. The book was split into chapters that had dates as titles.

And when I got to the date that was my wedding anniversary, I kind of came undone. I was shocked to realize I was crying. And for about thirty seconds, I did the whole, "it was supposed to be forever. Why doesn't he love me?"

Last week, I asked the Ex if he was upset I am planning a trip to Europe with Eric. He said he was happy for me. While pretending to cry. He did say that he was glad for me, though, because he had heard me say a lot that I want to go to Europe.

And it was in that hotel room that I heard Jenn's words in my head, "He still loves you."

And for years, I've been telling myself that he simply doesn't love me ENOUGH.

But then there was that moment of clarity. When I realized that he does absolutely love me. And he loves me enough to let me go. Because he knows what I truly want and what I deserve. And he knows that he cannot give it to me. So, he lets me go and encourages me to live my life. And if someone else will provide for me what he cannot, he's happy for me on some level.


I also came to realize that I'm really happy with where Eric and I are. I don't think I'll ever be married again. And right now, Eric's okay with that. And that makes me glad. I'm truly looking forward to the things we have planned together.

Although, I was somewhat uncomfortable when he told me that he's looking forward to meeting my gramma. Because I still haven't met anybody in his world. Well, except for his sons. But, whatever. My gramma said that it sounds like Eric is more of a match for me than my Ex is.

And then I went shopping, and got into a conversation with the sales gal and called him my boyfriend.


But at the end of the day, that's probably what he is. I just can't handle the label. And hopefully he'll continue to be okay with that.

And then I got to hang out with TF and her whole family as I came back to reality last night. And CB said something about it being dangerous for me to be alone with my thoughts for two days.

But, it's not really, anymore. I was really okay. My self-talk is far more positive than it used to be. I'm pretty happy these days.

So, even though it's summer, and there are anniversaries hitting me right and left, I'm actually okay with taking time to reflect and move through it. And I'm moving through it much quicker these days. I'm not the drama-girl that I was three years ago. And I'm not getting drawn into that anymore either. Not being a part of whatever went down last week was a beautiful place for me to be.

IP said to me not too long ago, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

And I've really thought about that as well. And I decided that I absolutely can. Because I'm doing it. And I'll continue to do so.

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