Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Guess the joke's on me.

So, we went on the trip.

Me, the Ex, the kidlet.

Eric was very sweet about sending me off. Brought me a dirty chai the morning I left.

I'd gotten into it with the Ex the evening before we went and I was not exactly looking forward to it.

But then we went.

And it was great.

And we were a family. And the kidlet thrived.

The day I got back, Eric said, "I'm going to tell my boys about you next month. We will have been together for six months by then."

Together? For six months? Does it really count?

"But I don't want to be significant to your kids."

Then there was the kidlet's birthday party. And I found myself looking at the Ex in a very different way.

I cried each night after we got back.

And then sobbed to TF on our way to her brother's bday bash. Finally verbalizing what I had realized.

I want my family back. I want to sleep where my son sleeps every night. I want to be married to him for real. I want to be the one to take care of him. We have this...history together. And that takes a very long time to create. We still have the same inside jokes. The same laughter. He's still my best friend.

And I'm terrified. Because I can't go back and have it be what it was for those last couple of years. But I've changed. Maybe he will have missed me enough to want to be with me again.

Enter therapy. Dr. Tim is not thrilled about me jumping into anything. Which I wouldn't. But he offered to help me find a couples' therapist. And told me to get some sleep before I made any major decisions.

So, I took a nap.

And called Eric that night.

I told him I wanted to put my marriage back together and that I really shouldn't be dating anyone else if I'm really trying.

And then I waited patiently until the next time I saw the Ex.

And we sat in his truck and I told him what had been on my mind.

He was a little bit stunned.

He told me he wants the same thing. But he's scared. Which I can understand. But he loves me. I kind of knew that.

He wouldn't make an impulse decision, but was very affectionate toward me, putting his arm around me, holding my hand. He asked about Eric. I told him that was done. And that, no, I'm not going to Europe with him this fall. I'm ready to start working on us. For real.

So, now... I wait. And hope. But I know what I want. And I know what he wants. Now the only question is how badly he wants it. Because it's going to take a lot of work. But the end result could be so very sweet...

My son deserves this. And so do we.


  1. WOW. Crossing fingers for things working matter which way things turn out, you deserve to be happy more than anyone I will ever know.

  2. Ditto to WOW.

    You deserve so much as does the kidlet.

    Rooting for you to find the peace, joy, L&L in your life that you deserve.