Surgery tomorrow. TF is coming with me. Not that I really had a choice. She sent me an email telling me that she is coming and that I have to just deal with it.
Apparently, even though I totally kick ass, I don't HAVE to do it by myself all the time.
Just as long as we all know I COULD.
I found out that there are actually maybe more than just two people reading this thing. There might even be, like, FIVE of you. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you, in particular, to the one who said she cried over the last post... Because we ended up bonding even further over it. And thank you to the one who's been reading it and not holding the TMI against me... And thank you to the one who told me I'm a good writer. And, yes. I do have a kid. And yes, I do have cancer. But by this time tomorrow, I won't.
So, I went home again for a few days last week. And it was wonderful and amazing. Interesting twists and turns all around. And most of it was really fun, actually.
There were a few rough moments...
Like when one of the former friends from last summer showed up at the restaurant fundraiser where I was... And she totally sat with her back to me. And while I had thought I'd gone commando, apparently, I had brought the BGPs because I pulled those damn things up, walked over to her, hugged her, told her I was happy to see her and inquired about her daughter.
Moments later, the kidlet would ask me how come he never gets to play with her daughter anymore. Yeah, that one ripped open the old wound. I was so grateful later when someone said "Wow, that was really shitty for it to spread to the kids. It's so sad when people can't be adults about this..."
Of course, I even invited her out with me and a few other moms the following evening so that the kids could play.
She didn't show.
And while I was proud of myself for being the bigger person (Again... Jeez.), there were moments later when I was tired and asked myself why she looked so uncomfortable... Because she knew she fucked up last year and is too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it because she's afraid that she killed my loyalty and I would possibly tell her secrets? (I haven't. Ever.) Or is it because she is actually so filled with negativity that it was more a "Ew. I can't believe she hugged me. Bitch."???
I don't know.
I tried not to go down THAT road...
I actually pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad and made a list... I listed the people who went out of their way to make time to see me during my brief visit. On the other side, I listed the people who, apparently, still have a bit of power to hurt my feelings, but that they shouldn't really matter. The list of people who actually do matter was far longer than the other side. And it helped for me to see it in print.
JWG said "It's important as an adult to have people around who knew you as a kid..." I am so blessed that she is one of those people... As well as so many others whose company I enjoyed during this particular visit...
As I left town, I picked up CF and brought her back home with me... And during those 24 hours, something shifted in me.
There was this moment of ClaRiTy over dinner where I sat there, choking on my words, tears in my eyes, when I admitted the truth about this Patience thing. Whoa. And it was absolutely lovely to be so secure in the knowledge that I was in a safe place... And although the realization was somewhat terrifying, it actually felt... Right.
And over white-trash margaritas into the wee hours of the morning, we talked and laughed and shared far more secrets...
And exactly 24 hours after I'd picked her up, I put her on a train for home... And I was sad. Because I don't know when I'll see her again.
Luckily, I had something to anticipate...
Which was a lovely Sunday evening in the park... With a craptastic band... Which actually made the experience even better...
And I felt the Light and the Love from these dear friends of mine... People who are rooting for me... People who gave me beer. Which I don't ordinarily drink. And I love how IP heard about it and called me out on it. Because she knows me that well.
And now I'm home... In a place of my own... And I'm alone, but not at all lonely...
Because tomorrow will be a day of loveliness with TF... (With a slight detour into the "operating room"... LOL) And then catching up with flutiefan... And the next day will be lovely as well... And so will the day after that...
Huh. Still so much to anticipate...
And while I got some not-so-great news on the job front (presently 30 openings left... I'm number 32 on the list), that news could change in a few days as well...
And when I get my job back, here's a partial list of what I will do to celebrate:
(in no particular order)
- some kind of storage unit to organize the kidlet's stuff
- manicure (pedicures are not luxuries, they are necessities. I haven't had a manicure since the layoff)
- schedule travel for ultramarathon
- artwork for dining area
No, I won't do it all at once. But those are a few things that I've been putting off... Again. Patience.
I'm learning it.
And it's not quite as difficult as it used to be... Because while I've totally gotten the messages about how everything happens for a reason, and that it's not all about me, I'm learning, too, that sometimes things are sweeter when you've waited for them... And that it can often be far more worth the wait than you could have ever expected...
And now as the clock strikes midnight, I will sign off... Find my quiet place... And rest...
Because tomorrow, I get to call myself a survivor.
Sweetest dreams, all.