Monday, August 24, 2009

Summer Lovin'...

...had me a blast.

But summer is over.

I report for work on Friday, but will likely be spending Wednesday and Thursday in whatever classroom becomes mine.

And I've been contemplating a lot over the last several days...

When I got the email on Thursday, the first person I called was Leon. Which is really out of character for me. He was appropriately happy for me, and then I went and picked up the kidlet for an unscheduled outing. And we had an amazing evening... And I was thrilled to get to have him with me on that night.

Because when I got the call on Friday I was so excited, I grabbed the kidlet and we jumped up and down screaming in elation... And when he left that afternoon, I got on the phone and scheduled an amazing treat for him... (All he knows is that we're going to a hotel this afternoon. He has NO CLUE the kind of spoiling that is in store for him!!!!!) Yes, I will admit that I'm a pretty rockin' mom right now.

This weekend was kind of rough. Friday evening, I had an intense conversation with an old friend. One I'd thought I had lost in the divorce, but am, apparently, gaining back. Because she's decided I'm worth it. And we talked about how hurt I'd been in the beginning, and she apologized for not having been there for me. It was a beautiful thing, but still draining.

I got up at 4:00 in the morning and put in 19.1 miles of hills on Saturday. And then a few more that evening at a rather emotional fundraiser.

I was pretty drained on Sunday.

But grateful to know that I have a job and was able to take the kidlet to our "usual" Sunday morning restaurant, which we haven't done with regularity since I was laid off...

But then his dad picked him up for a birthday party for a kid who was once my nephew. Okay, technically, he's still my nephew, but that relationship is one of those that I'm losing in the fallout.

And I was just down. Lonely. Sad. Sore. Exhausted.

And I got to thinking about Leon.

And about what a great guy he is, but that there are these red flags that have been waving in my face and I've just been brushing them aside... Telling myself that those things don't matter because this is just a casual thing.

But then I realized that this isn't a casual thing. Yes, there are men that I'm talking to that I'm okay with it being a casual thing.

But I realized that the reason why I'm dating Leon is because I think there's potential for there to be something more.

But that potential isn't exactly there. I cannot allow myself to overlook these major issues. Because I'd decided months ago that there are certain qualities that I am looking for in a partner, and certain qualities that I cannot accept.

And some of those things simply don't mesh.

Maybe it's a timing thing.

Or maybe it's just how it is.

But, ultimately, it means we shouldn't be together.

And after last night's talk with my SoulMate (who pulled NO punches with me! Argh. LOL), I realized that I shouldn't be spending time and energy with Leon when it could be stopping me from being open to the one who actually has the potential to be more.

So, I'm feeling rather strong about this.

I'm sad, but strong. Because this is someone who does matter, just maybe not to the extent that I'd hoped.

And I hate that I'm waiting to hear from him. Because I feel this need to get it over with so that I can focus on what is at hand... Which is enjoying every moment with my son, and then focusing on getting back to work... And being the best teacher I can be for the students who will walk through my door on Monday.

And maybe I'm just being a coward. Trying to control the one thing that feels out of my control even though (or maybe because!!) there are a thousand frightening things on the horizon.

But I really don't think so this time.

The timing is wrong. And maybe he really is wrong for me.

I sit here, staring at the blinking cursor... Wondering how to end this.

I think I should get back to my gratitude place.

I know that I will get the opportunity to break things off with him when I speak to him.

But in the meantime, I will focus on my amazing little boy, being able to do this wonderful thing for him this afternoon, and the wonderful and amazing girlfriends who will toast with me tomorrow night...

To celebrate the next phase of my life: Being the best mom I can be, Being Cancer-Free, The job that will be great, and being open to the next person. Who may actually turn out to be the right one.


  1. Thumbs up.
    That's all.

  2. Danger + The Two = :(

    Danger + The One = :)

    Not even the 2 is good enough!!!!! And he's, well, maybe not even the 2...or the 3...