Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Growth is the New Black.

And, whoa... Am I decked out or WHAT?!?

On the way home from an incredible 24 hours of spoiling the hell outta my son, I had this moment of ClaRiTy that had me breathless, sobbing so hard (of the snot-bubble kind) that I finally pulled over so that I could just breathe... But it was a totally good thing.

Not long after posting that last blog, Leon did call me back. And I did break things off with him. And it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I explained to him that I understand that he's not really in a place where he can consider being in a relationship. And that I see too much potential for it between us to let us fall into something that wouldn't be good. He's got SO MUCH on his plate right now. And I know myself. I can't let myself be the girl to try to help him figure it out. He has to figure it out on his own.

And maybe when he does, he'll realize that I am utterly fantastic and he'll be in a place to try again with me.

And maybe not. But I'm still a hopeful girl! Haha.

He thanked me, actually. For bringing certain things to his attention. And he was really nice and really understanding. Seemed relieved when I told him I'm still his friend and will still see him as I always have, just not with the regularity and planning that we have been.

Did I want him to give up on me so quickly? Um, no. But am I glad that he knew he wasn't right for me right now and let it go easily? Yeah. I guess I actually am...

And that's where the growth has apparently come in...

I'm not taking this one personally.

And this morning I realized that I pulled the exact same thing with HRT last year... Right before school started last year, I broke things off with him. Because I was on Situation Overwhelm at that time.

When I wondered if that's what I'd done here, I realized quickly that it's completely different.

And in the interest of not being a hypocrite, I actually took my novel with me to the magical place where I spent a night with my son and after he went to sleep, I started reading. Making notes. Editing.


Maybe that's what this whole thing was about. Because there were moments when I wondered if everything that happened in the last two years was to get me ready for Leon. I keep thinking I want to write about all of those signs. And maybe I will.

But maybe all those signs that pointed to Leon were just to make him be the messenger (through myself!) that I need to actually finish the damn novel. Get it ready. Publish the hell out of that thing.

Who knows?

But it's a start.

But this afternoon... After a day when HRT kept popping up into my consciousness (effin' BlackBerry!!!)...

I'm not the same person I was when he walked into my world. I'm not the girl who is so desperate to be loved that I was willing to throw myself back into the fray of his uncommunicativeness (if it's not a word, it is now. Shut up.)...

Because by this time during the breakup with HRT, I was already talking to him again.

And this afternoon, when I wanted to call Leon, I didn't. When I considered writing to him to tell him that I believe in him and all he wants to accomplish, I didn't. When I considered whether or not I will call him to tell him about the job I choose, I still don't know. Maybe he'll find out like everybody else does. On Facebook.

Because that's when it hit me.

I was right about the risk this time. This time, I didn't lose my best friend. I didn't get into something that wouldn't work out and then lose everything.

Because HRT had been my best friend for two years before we started dating. And when we broke up, I lost that completely. Yes, it's probably better that my eyes are open and someone like him is no longer in my world. And there were moments recently when I regretted having dated him and lost our friendship. Because I didn't need to know that he was a liar. I didn't want to know that he was a cheat. I certainly didn't need to know that he was a thief.

I'd been perfectly happy in my little world with the cute little picture he'd painted.

But this time, I actually got to know someone who is amazing and wonderful and kind and generous.

He's just not for me right now.

And I realized that even in these weeks when we were dating ("seeing each other"? I don't know. He wasn't my boyfriend, but we were spending time together fairly consistently. Ish.), Leon still didn't get to my heart.

I said to my sister the other day that I tend to fall in love very quickly. Within weeks. Days. And I didn't fall in love with Leon. I might have at some future point, but I hadn't yet.

Not only that, I didn't really let him get to the heart of me. He didn't even know that I did that huge fundraiser the other night. The one that made me cry for hours. He didn't even know that I found out about a little honored hero being diagnosed with swine flu. And he was THERE when I found out! He didn't even know how badly I'd wanted him to be the one to break my celibacy streak.

Why didn't I tell him that stuff?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am different. I didn't screw up this time. I didn't put my trust in someone unworthy.

Because Leon IS worthy. He's a great guy. I still believe we could end up together at some point in the future.

But if we don't, I know I'm going to be okay... Because I'm attracting quality people these days... People who are worth knowing.

And I am so blessed by amazing girlfriends who decided to come celebrate with me tonight with a day's notice. We'll drink wine and toast the fact that I will have a job soon. That I don't have cancer. And I don't have a guy in my world who will stop me from being available to the one with whom I am supposed to be.

I've cleared the pathway to my heart... And like Cupcake said, I "deserve nothing less than someone who is absolutely crazy about and focused on" me. Maybe when Leon clears the clutter, it will be him. Or maybe it will be someone I haven't even met yet.

But I've learned so much about myself in the last few weeks. And I'm finally becoming proud of myself. Even when it hurts to let go, I'm joyous in knowing that I, apparently, can...

Onward and Upward, Groceries.


  1. Love you!! Super proud of you and I can't wait to find out where your job is tomorrow. I mean, I won't really know anything about the actual "where" since California is sort of off my radar, but I do hope you get an awesome pick and grade and subject and kids and school and all that "stuff". Well, you know what I mean. Yep, TG is rambling now. Big Hugs and L&L!!

  2. YES!!!!!!


    and if you think about it, all words are made-up by somebody...and you ain't no word sheep!


    love ya!

  3. LOVE this, and LOVE YOU! Rock on with your bad self, sista' ;). xoxoxoxoxo jess