Thing2

"...And I call them Thing One and Thing Two.
These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun."
Then, out of the box Came Thing Two and Thing One!

I realized a couple of days ago that my skin cancer's back. I thought I might be mistaken, so I didn't say anything. But this morning, I was sure of it. So, I called the dermatologist and made an appointment for next month to have it checked out and removed.

And I'm so not freaking out. It's just a little SomeThing. Way smaller than last time. So, this one is Thing2.

But I found myself wanting to talk about it. And I didn't want anyone who loves me to freak out. Enter CJ. I had an appointment in his town this afternoon so I texted him and asked him if he was willing to meet me... "no awkwardness or expectations. just food." He actually responded that he couldn't tonight, but would love to another time. Was I available next week? I told him I wouldn't be in his town next week. Haha.

The only reason why I wanted to talk to him is that he doesn't exactly matter, you know?

But then I did tell a few friends. And reminded them that I am NOT freaking out. I'm not.

I am getting my zen back. I yoga'ed this morning for a bit before work. And had an awesome day with my kids. Answered my classroom phone and had a colleague say, "You sound so happy!" Yes, this on the day I admit I have cancer again. 'cause that's how I roll.

But then this evening... After a wonderful chat with my dad... Where I filled him in on all things RetroMama. Well, all things regarding dating. He was surprised I wasn't seeing Clark anymore. I didn't go into detail. Haha.

But it just kind of got me thinking... I ran into 23 last night. And he was so sweet. Asked how I was doing. Hugged me. And I realized that this kid totally thinks he's in love with me. And he's pining and shit. And that actually really bothers me. I never meant for that to happen. And last night when I was exhausted after my double-platelet donation, I found myself thinking about him as I drifted off to sleep... And how he probably wanted to stay with me those nights... And I never even allowed myself to consider that.

Then tonight, I was joking with an 18-year-old who works at a place I frequent. I was about to give him my number (we're going to be in the same place at some point this weekend and he wanted to make sure I would be able to find him) when this other customer kind of teased me about giving out my number to an 18-year-old. So I came back with my usual "they have to be old enough to at least sit at the bar with me," and he said I was being "cold". I said, "What? I have no problem with younger as long as they're at least 21. I have to draw the line somewhere." It was all funny and we all went on our way.

But then I came home. And I'm totally PMSing. Which gets me all sad and shit. (And there are no more brownies in the house. WTF was I thinking??!!??)

So, I find myself thinking about 23. (Shut up, you guys. You know who you are.)

And how that first time he came over, I was really struck by his maturity. This kid grew up out of necessity and is really responsible and has a grownup job in a grownup world. And he totally supports his younger siblings. At 23. Shit. I was married, but going to school full-time at his age.

But I wanted him to stop talking because that's not what he was there for, dammit.

And maybe it's because this week is the anniversary of the first time we met (ish). But I find myself remembering all of our interactions that came before. And that I liked him. He wasn't just a toy. But I shut off that other part because that was the deal we struck that day.

And I feel like I have to stick to that. And until yesterday, I thought that all he wanted was sex. But I think there's something more there. But we fucked it up already, right?

Crap.

I should not be allowed technology or to be out of the house at this time of the month. This was always when I broke up with Leon. Okay, I'm totally laughing now.

But my point is that I'm in a slightly vulnerable place right now. I find myself really wanting to make a connection with someone. No, not just anyone.

But tonight? When I spoke to my little boy and I know I have to tell him when I see him tomorrow that it's back (I have mad skillz at not freaking my kid out about stuff like that), I hung up the phone feeling so incredibly lonely.

I just really want a hug.

It didn't rain that day.

So, Leon and I made the plan. To do that hard thing for him. And I would be there. And it would be beautiful and heartbreaking and amazing. And then I would say goodbye to him. He didn't know that part, though.

And then he tried to postpone. "It's supposed to rain that day. I think I'll wait to do it until February."

Well, I'm sick of postponing the healing.

So, I said the hard things. I said out loud, "I can't be friends with you. You made me a quitter and my friends don't do that."

He called me out on it, "Why were you going to do this huge emotional thing with me if you don't want to be friends with me?"

"Because it would be my last gift for the man that I love. So that you could move away. And I could let you go knowing that I did everything. I tried."

And we talked a bit further. I said things that I'd written in that letter. Not all of them. But some of them. Enough of them.

And I cried hard for a few moments. Probably didn't help that I was less than 24 hours from having finished my first marathon in 8 weeks. And I was in agony. Physically. So, I just added the emotional turmoil to it and got it all out in one fell swoop.

And then it was done.

And then the most amazing thing happened.... I ended up having the most beautiful week. And wonderful people have stepped into it. And someone I didn't think had potential suddenly turned out to have potential.

And when I told SoulMate "I wasn't hearing from him not because he wasn't interested, but because he wanted me to have the time to succeed...", she said, "Oh, you mean he was stepping back to let RetroMama be RetroMama?"

Huh.

And on that day when I got to spend a beautiful and impromptu 30 minutes with her? That was the day it was supposed to have rained. And it didn't. It was a gorgeous, crisp, clear night. And instead of doing the hard emotional thing, I got to see my SoulMate. And go on a dinner date. :)

I'm done hiding the true me from people. I'm going to be all Gratitude and Light and Love and if that's simply too intense for someone, then they can choose to step away.

Oh, and I decided Roger wasn't the one for me.

And in very un-dramatic fashion, we broke things off.

But the one who stepped back last month? I shall have to come up with a blog name for him. Because he might be sticking around for awhile... Of course, I'm still keeping my options open. Still communicating with and dating others...

But I am me. And I do have something to offer. And it's up to you to accept it or not. Because whether you can handle me or not isn't about me.

And whether I choose to accept you is my choice. And I'm done wasting time on those unworthy. I shall continue to offer the random acts of kindness, and the not-so-random. I will be me. I will live and love and I will BE loved.

It's coming. I can feel it. And I'm finally open to it.

I cut the dead weight. And damn, that feels good.