So, Leon and I made the plan. To do that hard thing for him. And I would be there. And it would be beautiful and heartbreaking and amazing. And then I would say goodbye to him. He didn't know that part, though.
And then he tried to postpone. "It's supposed to rain that day. I think I'll wait to do it until February."
Well, I'm sick of postponing the healing.
So, I said the hard things. I said out loud, "I can't be friends with you. You made me a quitter and my friends don't do that."
He called me out on it, "Why were you going to do this huge emotional thing with me if you don't want to be friends with me?"
"Because it would be my last gift for the man that I love. So that you could move away. And I could let you go knowing that I did everything. I tried."
And we talked a bit further. I said things that I'd written in that letter. Not all of them. But some of them. Enough of them.
And I cried hard for a few moments. Probably didn't help that I was less than 24 hours from having finished my first marathon in 8 weeks. And I was in agony. Physically. So, I just added the emotional turmoil to it and got it all out in one fell swoop.
And then it was done.
And then the most amazing thing happened.... I ended up having the most beautiful week. And wonderful people have stepped into it. And someone I didn't think had potential suddenly turned out to have potential.
And when I told SoulMate "I wasn't hearing from him not because he wasn't interested, but because he wanted me to have the time to succeed...", she said, "Oh, you mean he was stepping back to let RetroMama be RetroMama?"
And on that day when I got to spend a beautiful and impromptu 30 minutes with her? That was the day it was supposed to have rained. And it didn't. It was a gorgeous, crisp, clear night. And instead of doing the hard emotional thing, I got to see my SoulMate. And go on a dinner date. :)
I'm done hiding the true me from people. I'm going to be all Gratitude and Light and Love and if that's simply too intense for someone, then they can choose to step away.
Oh, and I decided Roger wasn't the one for me.
And in very un-dramatic fashion, we broke things off.
But the one who stepped back last month? I shall have to come up with a blog name for him. Because he might be sticking around for awhile... Of course, I'm still keeping my options open. Still communicating with and dating others...
But I am me. And I do have something to offer. And it's up to you to accept it or not. Because whether you can handle me or not isn't about me.
And whether I choose to accept you is my choice. And I'm done wasting time on those unworthy. I shall continue to offer the random acts of kindness, and the not-so-random. I will be me. I will live and love and I will BE loved.
It's coming. I can feel it. And I'm finally open to it.
I cut the dead weight. And damn, that feels good.
Thinking of Kelly on her birthday
1 year ago