Sunday, December 20, 2009

Because now, apparently, I'm a grownup.

The date did not go as planned (hoped for?).

He'd had a bad day. And was in a snit. And didn't even realize how negative he was being.

I chose to enjoy the place we were. And to enjoy the weather and the lights... Let his negativity roll off. Never once did I apologize for what went wrong. Never once did I take it personally.

Holy growth!

And later, I asked him if I could make an observation. He agreed and I wasn't really all that scared to tell him that the reason why he was so upset was that he was choosing to focus on the negatives. Earlier he had apologized to me for ruining the night and I stared and him and said (honestly), "My night's not ruined. I'm out on a Saturday night with a nice guy. I'm fine!"

He took several minutes on the drive back to reflect upon my observation. And admitted I was right and apologized again. Thanked me for saying it. And then made a conscious effort to change his attitude and behavior.

And while I appreciated that, it still wasn't enough for me to change my mind about what would or would not happen next.

He pulled into a parking spot in my complex, took off his seatbelt and asked, "Did you want me to come in?"

And I said, "Did I? Yes. Do I? No."

And he totally understood.

So, I went home alone.

I cried for about 10 seconds. And considered calling the 23-year-old for about 5 seconds.

And ended up getting into my comfies, pouring myself a glass of wine, popping some popcorn and watching Friends for awhile. And then lurked around on the PostSecret forum.

And I woke up alone this morning. Certain that there is a reason for everything. I did not compromise the woman that I am becoming. I know that there is a reason why things didn't happen last night.

And I'm certain all will be clear later.

I'm a fan of this growing shit. It can be painful at times, but wow.

I'm still kind of stunned that I didn't take it personally. That SO would not have happened a year ago. I would have been apologizing and probably would have had sex with him anyway.

And I'm still kind of stunned that I said what I did. Like, OUT LOUD. And to his face.

I am a force to be reckoned with. And I'm blessed with people who can, apparently, handle it. Even when it doesn't paint them in the most positive light.

So, yes, if he wants it, he'll get another chance.

And if he doesn't, well, that's okay, too.

Because I'm done compromising. I actually know what my beliefs are and what my limits are. And I'm not afraid to stick to them anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Shayna,

    Awesome that you have reached a place where you don't take things personally or take responsibility for something that doesn't belong to you!!!

    Wishing you all the L&L the universe has in store for you :)