Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I knew this day would come...

...but I didn't expect it to be this year.

I've known for awhile that I am a better mom without being the Wife to the Ex. The Ex stresses me out. I'm not quite as patient with the kidlet when the Ex is not being patient with him.

Tonight was the kidlet's gymnastics night. Which also ends up being the "hang out with The Ex" night. After gymnastics we all go out to dinner. It's the routine we've had for two years and we still do it, even though we're separated and such.

And even though I'm going through the whole "Why are all of my girlfriends getting back together with their husbands or boyfriends who decided to do the work to fight for their women, but my Ex won't do that?" thing, I'm still trying really hard to just focus on all that is wonderful in my world.

Like my little boy. Like my job. Like my friends. Like the guy who decided I was worth pursuing last night and is still pursuing me today.

Not like Leon. Don't get me started. (Apparently, D and E have decided that I am heading for nothing but madness, heartbreak, and despair if I let that guy in any further.)

And this open and honest relationship I have with my boy is amazing. And I don't shy away from the hard stuff. And while the Ex has stepped up a bit when it comes to answering the kidlet's questions about our family and such, I've said for a long time that the day would come when the kidlet stopped talking to him about anything of substance, but he would always know that he can come to me.

But tonight... After gymnastics... The kidlet pretty much always drives to dinner with his dad. And that's fine with me. We always roll our windows down and wave to each other on the way.

But tonight was different. He'd decided to ride with his dad since he'd be staying with me tonight. And as I put my key in my car door, I thought to myself, "Wow. I kind of snapped at the kidlet because I could tell his dad was getting impatient. I don't like that about our interaction this evening."

A moment later, I heard the kidlet say "Mom, I changed my mind. I'm going with you!"

We got into the car and I said, "What made you change your mind, baby?"

He answered, "Well, I love you and Dad the same, but sometimes you're nicer."

I'd expected my heart to soar at that one.

But it didn't. I hate that my intuitive little man has already figured it out. (And no, I don't think I'm nicer. I think I'm more patient. But in his 7-year-old vocabulary, that's what he came up with.)

I reminded him that Daddy loves him very much, and he said he knew that. And that he didn't want to hurt his dad's feelings by telling him what he'd told me. And this is one time that I will NOT tell his dad what was said in his absence.

So, that was tonight's heartbreak.

I wish I could change that. But I gotta stop wearing my wishbone where my backbone oughtta be... In more than just this one way.

But I will always be there for my son. I think it would just be such a shame if his dad doesn't figure out how to do so as well before it's too late.


  1. I think you wear your backbone quite often - so give yourself a teeny break, G.

  2. I can totally relate on the getting back together thing. Good luck with the new guy.