Long Weekend...

Sometimes these long weekends turn out to be too long...

Like this one.

The kidlet and I spent a beautiful day with friends on Saturday. And decided to go on a brittle hunt on Sunday. Since it was a gorgeous day and he hadn't seen his dad, we invited his dad to go with us. So, Sunday ended up being a family day.

Which kind of throws me into all kinds of turmoil all over again. Especially when he speaks cryptically and makes me think that he spent the night with someone two nights earlier.

I hated that it bothered me. I know I'm a total hypocrite. I've made no secret of Eric. The Ex knows I'd spent an amazing weekend away with him just last weekend. But I didn't like those little licks of jealousy that were lapping at my brain.

And we got along so well, and our son just totally thrived in those hours that he got to spend with both of his parents...

It's so confusing sometimes to be such good friends with him. And here he is, being so freaking supportive of this major thing I've undertaken... Something he would not have been during our marriage.

So, then there was the phone call... With me crying... And him saying the words that I've longed to hear for so long... The words that Eric won't say.

It's all very confusing.

Which led to a sleepless night.

So, of course, after a sleepless night, I wasn't quite in the right mood for today.

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends. And those trusted friends made me realize I needed to make a few changes. Which I tried to do in a kind way.

Unfortunately, however, apparently, you have to bring drama to your world so that you can eliminate it. I just really didn't feel like bringing it today. And I accidentally did.

At least Ari has blocked me. And Andy came riding to her rescue on his white horse. I'm so disappointed in him. That he could actually accuse me of doing this because of him and Ari? Has that guy MET me?!? Ugh. Why on earth would I drag him into the ridiculousness that his girlfriend has created? Why would I have EVER told him that what is happening now between me and Ari started long before he ever entered the picture? Oh, I know. Because I never brought that kind of stuff to him. And had I known he'd been interested in her before they began, I might have told him. But he didn't. So, I didn't. It was too late.

I'm honestly so fucking over them.

Just as I'm so fucking over Cinderella. Why can't she just stay the fuck away from me and from mine? I hate that I have to push people I've cared about away just so that they don't feel like they're stuck in the middle.

But I'll do what I have to do. I need to continue to put my child first. And a happy and drama-free mommy is a far better mommy to him than the one who continues to hear little whispers about her opening her fucking mouth all over again.

I know she's reading this now. So, I'll give her this: GO AWAY!!! Do not EVER let my name cross your lips. AT ALL. You have NO reason to ever speak my name. NONE. And you have nobody to blame but YOU.

I'm just so fucking exhausted. And this is such a huge week. This thing that is coming... That I've been planning for nearly (more than?) a year... It's days away.

And I keep going back and forth on it. And there's no backing out now. Not that there ever was. I'm going through with it. And it's going to be amazing. And scary. And fun. And exciting. And a little bit crazy.

I just need to get my head back in the game. Process everything that has been thrown my way in the last two days...

I just need some Peace. And maybe a hug.

One Year.

One year ago this weekend.

The weekend that changed everything.

The night before Mother's Day, I wrote two emails.

One to Cinderella. Asking her to please respect me and stop talking about me. To stop reading my blog. To stop contacting me.

She has respected none of that. My last blog entry was full of lies. I was setting the tone to start making stuff up to draw her out. To force her to admit that our "mutual friend" is named Blogger.

But then I decided that she simply doesn't matter enough.

The other to the one who was about to make what I thought was a huge mistake.

The next morning dawned, and the kidlet and I prepared for Ari's arrival. I would be cooking up breakfast and we would be celebrating together. Two kids in the "We have Dead Jewish Mothers Club".

And there I was all zen and happy to share that special day with her.

And she brought drama to my home.

I remember being glad to see her go.

This year has been different.

This weekend, I truly believe that I have been in a place where I am just glad. Glad to be the mom to the kidlet that I am. Things have been pretty amazing in this last year.

I haven't been dreading tomorrow like I have for the past several years.

Yeah, okay, I don't have a mom anymore, and that's sad, but I'm truly, truly grateful for my son.

Yeah, okay, that last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and that was pretty traumatic. But I'm truly, truly grateful for my son.

And, yeah, okay. I used to spend Mother's Day with my mother-in-law and my husband's family. And while I did ask the Ex if we could all do lunch together tomorrow, he preferred not to. And that sucks even more when the kidlet asks why he doesn't get to see his grandma tomorrow.

This evening as we walked to the ice cream shop, he said, "I guess Grandma doesn't know the secret." I asked what to which secret he was referring."

"That even though we're not married anymore, we can still love each other and be a family."

That's the secret. The one *I* taught him.

And while it is kinda sad that his grandparents (and aunt and uncle and cousins, I suppose!) don't know that secret, I'm so glad that my little boy DOES.

And I hope that on the eve of this day when we are to celebrate mothers, that maybe... Just maybe... Someone new will learn that secret.

And that even though there are those who will be spending their first Mother's Day thinking about a mom they lost this year, I hope that they can find some joy in it.

Me? I'll be grateful for the day I'll get to spend with that amazing little man.

And I'll be sending some extra Light and Love to those who will need it. Especially my favorite soldier who lost his mom earlier this year. And even to Ari. While I'm glad not to spend time with her tomorrow, I'll never forget how she picked me up off of that dirty sidewalk two years ago. After sitting with me, first.

Pretty girls cry and wipe their noses with their sleeves.

Yesterday was a lovely morning... I blogged about having a beau... I was getting laundry done... Drinking coffee I'd made with my French Press... All was beautiful...

And then I got an email...

I have a PO Box at the UPS store down the street. The great thing about having a PO Box there is that my address looks like a real address. So, UPS will deliver there. And they can sign for stuff for me and I can pick it up at my convenience. I actually got the box way before I moved out of my marital home and started using the address then...

I remember laughing so hard when my gramma told me that Cinderella had told her "RetroMama sent me her new address!" And my gramma looked at her, blankly, thinking, "But she hasn't moved yet..." I had sent her a card or letter or something and it had a return address label. Which translated in her mind to "Ooh, I have inside information". I'm snorting with laughter all over again.

Anyway.

Whenever I get a package or a certified letter, the nice folks at the UPS store scan it to my box and I get an email, telling me that I have something to pick up... And they tell me who it's from. When the kidlet got a package from his grandparents, I remember how conscientious they were about making sure I knew it was a package for him (this was during the whole layoff season last year). The wonderful staff there has become friends to me and to the kidlet... They were there the day I got my RIF notice last year. They were there when I got laid off... And they rejoiced with me when I got my letter of re-hire.

On Friday, I got an email at lunchtime... The package with 5 Proof copies of my novel had arrived. I bounced through the rest of my afternoon, picked up the kidlet, and raced over there.... I told them what was in the box, but the kidlet had decided we would open it together at home... Chris, the nice kid (18? 19?) who works there made sure to tell me that I could open it at home, but I am under strict instructions to bring it back at some point so that they can see it. Of course I agreed.

So, yesterday... I'm having this amazing morning... And I get an email from the UPS store... I assumed that it was to let me know that one more copy of my book had arrived (it was shipped separately)... But then I did a double-take when I saw the sender...

It was the District.

I looked at the calendar... While the deadline for RIFs is still more than a week away, I started to get a little worried...

Still in my pajamas (what? It was only noon... ish.), I transferred laundry over and put away the clothes that had just come out of the dryer... I told myself I would shower and change, go hit the UPS store and then go pick up the kidlet from his dad's...

But this niggling sense of discomfort wouldn't leave....

So, I threw on running clothes and a beanie and left the apartment.

I thought about putting up a status change on FB, asking for some Light and Love, but I felt like I was making a big deal out of nothing... Surely, the District had some other thing they wanted to tell me via Certified letter... Maybe I was getting an award of some sort?

I was shaking by the time I got in my car... And pretty much hyperventilating as I drove over there... I thought about calling Eric, but I only had a few minutes in the car and just wanted to get there. Besides, he had his kids and I didn't want to be the hysterical girlfriend. I mean, we had only really officially established that we were together, like, the night before. I should wait at least a week before I pull that, right?

The parking lot was crowded. Saturdays are grocery shopping days, apparently... I was muttering "fuck!" under my breath as I circled the lot to find a spot. I shakily ran into the store. Chris was in the back. I stopped in my tracks and yelled, "Give me my letter!"

I went to my box and pulled out the sticker that I would need to sign... Oh, and the magazine I'd been waiting for. The one with the short article I had written. Yin and yang, dammit.

Chris brought me the letter and I didn't even look at him as I tore into it. By now, the tears were streaming down my face... My breath came out ragged... The envelope in shreds, I started reading... Tears blurred my vision...

And it wasn't a RIF.

I threw the letter down on the counter and backed away... Poor Chris was staring at me.... I pointed at it, and managed to get "It's not a layoff letter!" out... And then I stood in the middle of the store and sobbed... I dragged my sleeve across my face, trying to dry my tears, trying to keep the snot from running down my face...

Chris stood behind the counter and held his arms out toward me. I flew at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, apologizing for being such a spaz... And he just held me for a minute or two, as I raggedly sobbed into his shoulder.

Poor kid.

To cheer myself, I opened the package with the magazine and let him read it.

And then another customer came in. She looked at me sideways as Chris helped her with her mailing needs... I kept wiping my nose with my sleeve like the pretty girl that I am... I was still having trouble breathing.

I kept apologizing and babbling away... Chris was very sweet and understanding about it. Didn't rush me out or anything. I knew there was no way I could drive yet... It took me about ten minutes to pull it together.

Only then did I leave, with my letter and magazine in my hand... That's when I called Eric. And then updated the FB when I got his voicemail. He called me back a few minutes later and I regaled him with stories of hysterics and tears and snot in the UPS store.

And he laughed at me.

Hence, the blog.

You can thank Eric for this one.

Hey, if the glass slipper fits...

Cinderella.

I can't believe this woman tells anybody who'll listen how much it hurts her feelings that she's called a Stalker. Even my dad called her out on it when I gave him the proof. And she's still doing it. What I wonder (and must bow to the skillz she possesses that are far madder than mine) is how the fuck she found my secret blog? The one that only about five random people even have the address for.

Eesh.

I am reveling in the loveliness that is the week after.

I had forgotten that in my family, we don't flip out about milestone birthdays. Nope, we go one before. Dad's midlife crisis was at 39, not 40. I had a tough time at 24 (Oh, not going to reminisce about that one right now!), then at 29. Thirty was a breeze. I started training for my first marathon at 30. And everything since... Wow. Nope, I didn't have a problem with 30.

This one was not a milestone birthday. But after crying several times a day leading up to the day? I think that's what was getting to me. Because I am a big dork.

M had asked me a month earlier if I wanted to go out with him for my birthday. Just the two of us. And never followed up on it. Until I said something. Not expecting it to change. Just expressing that it bothered me. Quietly grateful for the reminder that this is something on which I had decided not to compromise. And that it was okay.

But then he asked. And we made a plan. And he followed through. And he actually suggested the restaurant. And wore a collared shirt. And smelled nice. And we had a nice time. And I'm not reading anything else into that.

But the actual day... With so many cards, emails, comments, etc... I was really touched by the messages of Light and Love from so many... And running into someone who no longer matters... It felt fucking fantastic to know damn well that I looked good, and felt good about myself, and when he asked me to call him, it felt so good to drive away, leaving him staring, knowing I'm done. That left me strutting.

And then I spent the evening with wonderful girlfriends who showed me how well they know me and how much they love me. I was crying over my gifts. So unexpected. So thoughtful. So wonderful.

I finally got some time in with k2b, which was wonderful. He doesn't understand that there was a time when I was having panic attacks from making eye contact with a man... It was right there towards the end of my time with the HRT. And I was a mess. And I'm not that person anymore. It feels good to be able to hold my head high again and to smile at a stranger and not freak out if they respond kindly. I am finding myself able to accept the smiles and hellos of strangers again.

I really appreciated the mileage with CoffeeLady. I loved feeling the effects as I went down three flights of stairs today.

It does bug me a little that I deleted a significant phone number and I don't think that person even knows it yet. It does bother me that it doesn't seem to matter to that person... It occurred to me today that with Mother's Day coming, I will probably hear something. I believe I am in a better place this year, and will not end up sobbing on the sidewalk.

I would like to know that my job is secure. That would be a lovely bit of knowledge. I am hopeful and confident, but it would be nice to have the proof.

When I spoke to the kidlet after visiting with k2b, I was impressed that he asked about my friend... And then told me to "drive safely home, Momma..." He just touches my heart.

I bought some new running clothes. A pair of pants in a size I haven't worn since I was 15 and anorexic. It was lovely to realize I'm healthy now.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.

I will, most likely, be in a relationship at some point in the future. But right now, it's actually nice not to be. I like hanging out with my kid, my girlfriends, my friends. And my friends who are boys. I am enjoying just being comfortable having conversations without thinking that they might be thinking about something more. Not that I don't wonder sometimes (Hey, I'm human, and I have attractive male friends!) if they are thinking about the possibilities... But I'm actually consciously burning bridges and breaking spells... And while it's a somewhat painful process, it is mostly okay.

I need a nap. Or maybe a Cherry Dr Pepper. Hmmm...