Sunday, May 3, 2009

Hey, if the glass slipper fits...


I can't believe this woman tells anybody who'll listen how much it hurts her feelings that she's called a Stalker. Even my dad called her out on it when I gave him the proof. And she's still doing it. What I wonder (and must bow to the skillz she possesses that are far madder than mine) is how the fuck she found my secret blog? The one that only about five random people even have the address for.


I am reveling in the loveliness that is the week after.

I had forgotten that in my family, we don't flip out about milestone birthdays. Nope, we go one before. Dad's midlife crisis was at 39, not 40. I had a tough time at 24 (Oh, not going to reminisce about that one right now!), then at 29. Thirty was a breeze. I started training for my first marathon at 30. And everything since... Wow. Nope, I didn't have a problem with 30.

This one was not a milestone birthday. But after crying several times a day leading up to the day? I think that's what was getting to me. Because I am a big dork.

M had asked me a month earlier if I wanted to go out with him for my birthday. Just the two of us. And never followed up on it. Until I said something. Not expecting it to change. Just expressing that it bothered me. Quietly grateful for the reminder that this is something on which I had decided not to compromise. And that it was okay.

But then he asked. And we made a plan. And he followed through. And he actually suggested the restaurant. And wore a collared shirt. And smelled nice. And we had a nice time. And I'm not reading anything else into that.

But the actual day... With so many cards, emails, comments, etc... I was really touched by the messages of Light and Love from so many... And running into someone who no longer matters... It felt fucking fantastic to know damn well that I looked good, and felt good about myself, and when he asked me to call him, it felt so good to drive away, leaving him staring, knowing I'm done. That left me strutting.

And then I spent the evening with wonderful girlfriends who showed me how well they know me and how much they love me. I was crying over my gifts. So unexpected. So thoughtful. So wonderful.

I finally got some time in with k2b, which was wonderful. He doesn't understand that there was a time when I was having panic attacks from making eye contact with a man... It was right there towards the end of my time with the HRT. And I was a mess. And I'm not that person anymore. It feels good to be able to hold my head high again and to smile at a stranger and not freak out if they respond kindly. I am finding myself able to accept the smiles and hellos of strangers again.

I really appreciated the mileage with CoffeeLady. I loved feeling the effects as I went down three flights of stairs today.

It does bug me a little that I deleted a significant phone number and I don't think that person even knows it yet. It does bother me that it doesn't seem to matter to that person... It occurred to me today that with Mother's Day coming, I will probably hear something. I believe I am in a better place this year, and will not end up sobbing on the sidewalk.

I would like to know that my job is secure. That would be a lovely bit of knowledge. I am hopeful and confident, but it would be nice to have the proof.

When I spoke to the kidlet after visiting with k2b, I was impressed that he asked about my friend... And then told me to "drive safely home, Momma..." He just touches my heart.

I bought some new running clothes. A pair of pants in a size I haven't worn since I was 15 and anorexic. It was lovely to realize I'm healthy now.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.

I will, most likely, be in a relationship at some point in the future. But right now, it's actually nice not to be. I like hanging out with my kid, my girlfriends, my friends. And my friends who are boys. I am enjoying just being comfortable having conversations without thinking that they might be thinking about something more. Not that I don't wonder sometimes (Hey, I'm human, and I have attractive male friends!) if they are thinking about the possibilities... But I'm actually consciously burning bridges and breaking spells... And while it's a somewhat painful process, it is mostly okay.

I need a nap. Or maybe a Cherry Dr Pepper. Hmmm...

1 comment:

  1. Mmm...Cherry Dr. Pepper. :) She's called Cinderella now?