Sunday, May 3, 2009

Eight steps forward...

...and maybe a few steps back.

ClaRiTy came several weeks ago... In finding that "the spell had been broken"... And it was liberating and wonderful.

And I totally thought I was just going to let it all go... Just be grateful for the role this person played in my life... Glad to have experienced that beautiful little pocket of time... And to just let it go... Because I'm now all zen and stuff...

Um, yeah.

Apparently, I'm still me.

And even though I'm being all strong and deleting phone numbers so that I can't do stupid things with technology during weak moments, I am, apparently, still going to have weak moments. And even though I don't want them to think that they matter, I still want to think that I matter to them...

And even though the season is over, or the reason has been fulfilled... I still would like to know that I mattered. That I was important. That I left a footprint on their past, just as they did mine.

I just think that when you share something huge with someone, it's supposed to matter. Not that it has to be the central thing forever, but it still had to matter...

Because certain things still matter to me... Certain days during my year are still going to matter...

And when you tell yourself for two years that this particular person was so important, and that they were wonderful, loving, caring, and took such good care of you in your time of need... But then you remember that they weren't actually there. Like, yeah, they cleaned you up and fed you and stuff... But later... When you were hitching up the big girl panties and going for that painful procedure... By yourself. And the one person who should have been there with you not only wasn't there, but didn't even call until much later... Or maybe didn't even call at all... Maybe you were the one that called... ???

Wait. That person was actually kind of a shit about the whole thing.

Ummm... Okay, what now? The illusion I've created for myself might not actually be the reality in which the rest of the world exists...

And there will be those in the "You're the bigger person, you should say these things so that the next person doesn't have to hurt the way you did..." camp.

And there will be those in the "You've grown so much... Leave the past in the past..." camp.

But where's the part where I'm getting the closure I deserve so I'm not sitting here crying as these waves of clarity wash over me???

Maybe while I ponder this, I should stay far, far away from the technology...

Signing off for awhile...



  1. You could always do what I did....

    I made my own closure.

  2. The "spell" may always linger, but you are moving forward and I am proud of you for that.


  3. Hello, just came across your blog via SinGal via New Girl on Post. Enjoyed reading a bit this afternoon. Thank you for sharing.