Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Okay, this one was a tailspin.

Okay, so the good thing about being all in tune with myself is that I know when I'm getting off-track and I do something about it.

Sunday wasn't a tizzy. It was a full-fledged tailspin... But I didn't want to go there.

So, I got a little quiet... Avoided the internets for a bit (damn internets. Checking on someone I care about showed me things I didn't need to see)...

Spent lots of time crying... Cupcake heeded my call. And calmed me enough to get through my Monday.

And I called my therapist. Who couldn't really fit me in, so I would just see him at the usual time on Thursday... I said, "Well, do you have a moment for me to ask you a quick question??" He listened as I mentioned three things... Mother's Day is fast-approaching. The last baby I lost was due last Mother's Day. And one other. He said, "Well, my quick answer is "yes, I will see you tomorrow at 7:30!""


I did spend some time with M today and mentioned a few of the things that were bothering me... And he told me that perhaps I needed this reminder that not everybody places the same value upon a friendship. That, perhaps, a particular friend is more important to me than I am to her... And reminded me that when a relationship ends, one doesn't usually get to stay in touch with the other person's kids. Even when one person can be a grownup about it and not deny the kids.

After a wonderful dinner with him and with the kidlet, I was off to therapy... Where I used a half a box of kleenex... And he reminded me that I am a person who loves love. And that other people may be on a sort of cycle... That, yes, he or she may love me a lot at a certain time, but then they hit a place in their cycle where they don't love me so much... And maybe it's hormones or whatever, but during that down, they may deny that there were ever the ups when it came to me.


Wait, so it's not always about me?

So, apparently, I have to be patient and shit. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

But at least it gives me some clarity. But it also brings me back to the crossroads I faced before... Can I accept that in someone? Or not.

So, there I was, thinking that while it had only been two days, not too many people had even seemed to realize I'd been offline... Did I really even matter?

And then I got IP's text. Telling me that they were still at dinner. She was drunk, and I was already in the parking lot, but she took the time to think of me and made me know I was wanted there. And that felt so good. So validating. I felt loved.

And Q... Who was on her third Cadillac... I was glad I was there because I would make sure she got home. And she listened. And didn't seem to notice my eyes that were glowing red and my nose, all puffy... And we talked about how there are people in my inner circle (and maybe even the 2nd or 3rd circle!) who would take a stand for me... And how I don't think it's wrong to expect that. Because I'm not hoping for something I wouldn't do for someone I love...

And I've proven that over and over... And I told Q about how I got that friend request on Facebook... From a guy who seemed to think that because it had been something like 14 years since we'd seen each other that we would catch up and be all buddy-buddy. Oh, but wait... There was history... He'd taken advantage of a friend of mine way back then... And while I haven't talked to her in at least 12 years (no falling-out, we just grew apart), I was still loyal to her. And explained to him that 14 years hadn't been long enough and if he wanted me to explain, I would take the time to do so.

But at the end of the day, I knew he'd done a horrible thing to someone I cared about and I couldn't be a part of that. I don't want that in my world.

And I'm not looking for drama. I'm not looking for someone to cause some huge scene. But I'm looking to be closest to people who would go to bat for me. People who want me around in their own worlds because, for some reason, they think I can add something to theirs.

I'm looking for people who add something to mine... Branching out a bit... I have a plan to run with a colleague this weekend.

And I've got another therapy session in just two days. Which is good. Because at the end of the day, I'm always a mom who has an amazing little boy... I will celebrate being his mom on Sunday (as I do every day)... But I'm also a girl who is without one. And that's hard.

Okay, I'm embracing that. Expressing that. And now, going to bed.



  1. Hi Shayna,

    I was worried about you being offline. Thought about calling or texting you which I wish I had done just so you knew that I was thinking about you.

    Within your circle, I am standing for you.

    Sending you tons of Love, Light, Courage and Validation!


  2. I want you in my world! My world would be awful without you in it! I know I haven't been there for you lately with my own crap going on, but you are in my thoughts every single day. Please don't doubt that for one second! I love you!


  3. I would take a stand for you.

    I would die for you.

    But you know that.

    I love you, never forget that.