Okay, this one was a tailspin.

Okay, so the good thing about being all in tune with myself is that I know when I'm getting off-track and I do something about it.

Sunday wasn't a tizzy. It was a full-fledged tailspin... But I didn't want to go there.

So, I got a little quiet... Avoided the internets for a bit (damn internets. Checking on someone I care about showed me things I didn't need to see)...

Spent lots of time crying... Cupcake heeded my call. And calmed me enough to get through my Monday.

And I called my therapist. Who couldn't really fit me in, so I would just see him at the usual time on Thursday... I said, "Well, do you have a moment for me to ask you a quick question??" He listened as I mentioned three things... Mother's Day is fast-approaching. The last baby I lost was due last Mother's Day. And one other. He said, "Well, my quick answer is "yes, I will see you tomorrow at 7:30!""

Phew.

I did spend some time with M today and mentioned a few of the things that were bothering me... And he told me that perhaps I needed this reminder that not everybody places the same value upon a friendship. That, perhaps, a particular friend is more important to me than I am to her... And reminded me that when a relationship ends, one doesn't usually get to stay in touch with the other person's kids. Even when one person can be a grownup about it and not deny the kids.

After a wonderful dinner with him and with the kidlet, I was off to therapy... Where I used a half a box of kleenex... And he reminded me that I am a person who loves love. And that other people may be on a sort of cycle... That, yes, he or she may love me a lot at a certain time, but then they hit a place in their cycle where they don't love me so much... And maybe it's hormones or whatever, but during that down, they may deny that there were ever the ups when it came to me.

Huh.

Wait, so it's not always about me?

So, apparently, I have to be patient and shit. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

But at least it gives me some clarity. But it also brings me back to the crossroads I faced before... Can I accept that in someone? Or not.

So, there I was, thinking that while it had only been two days, not too many people had even seemed to realize I'd been offline... Did I really even matter?

And then I got IP's text. Telling me that they were still at dinner. She was drunk, and I was already in the parking lot, but she took the time to think of me and made me know I was wanted there. And that felt so good. So validating. I felt loved.

And Q... Who was on her third Cadillac... I was glad I was there because I would make sure she got home. And she listened. And didn't seem to notice my eyes that were glowing red and my nose, all puffy... And we talked about how there are people in my inner circle (and maybe even the 2nd or 3rd circle!) who would take a stand for me... And how I don't think it's wrong to expect that. Because I'm not hoping for something I wouldn't do for someone I love...

And I've proven that over and over... And I told Q about how I got that friend request on Facebook... From a guy who seemed to think that because it had been something like 14 years since we'd seen each other that we would catch up and be all buddy-buddy. Oh, but wait... There was history... He'd taken advantage of a friend of mine way back then... And while I haven't talked to her in at least 12 years (no falling-out, we just grew apart), I was still loyal to her. And explained to him that 14 years hadn't been long enough and if he wanted me to explain, I would take the time to do so.

But at the end of the day, I knew he'd done a horrible thing to someone I cared about and I couldn't be a part of that. I don't want that in my world.

And I'm not looking for drama. I'm not looking for someone to cause some huge scene. But I'm looking to be closest to people who would go to bat for me. People who want me around in their own worlds because, for some reason, they think I can add something to theirs.

I'm looking for people who add something to mine... Branching out a bit... I have a plan to run with a colleague this weekend.

And I've got another therapy session in just two days. Which is good. Because at the end of the day, I'm always a mom who has an amazing little boy... I will celebrate being his mom on Sunday (as I do every day)... But I'm also a girl who is without one. And that's hard.

Okay, I'm embracing that. Expressing that. And now, going to bed.

Goodnight.

Six months lasted a week. If that.

I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.

But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.

I do need to blog it.

It's like breathing.

We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.

I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...

Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.

And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.

I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...

And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.

And then we were done for the evening.

And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.

As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"

And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"

And then he left.

And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"

But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.

I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.

Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"

And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.

I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.

Harmless is good.

Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.

M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.

And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.

But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.

Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.

Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.

I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.

And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.

Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.

And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.

And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.

And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...

And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...

I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.

I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.

But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.

I don't want to hide.

And I know I'm not ready for this.

Six months, Blanche said.

Six months.

Okay, maybe I'll start....

Now.