Monday, February 16, 2009

Six months lasted a week. If that.

I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.

But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.

I do need to blog it.

It's like breathing.

We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.

I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...

Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.

And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.

I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...

And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.

And then we were done for the evening.

And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.

As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"

And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"

And then he left.

And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"

But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.

I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.

Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"

And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.

I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.

Harmless is good.

Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.

M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.

And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.

But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.

Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.

Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.

I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.

And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.

Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.

And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.

And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.

And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...

And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...

I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.

I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.

But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.

I don't want to hide.

And I know I'm not ready for this.

Six months, Blanche said.

Six months.

Okay, maybe I'll start....



  1. I had a great comment all typed up and it disappeared! Grrr... Going to attempt to re-create it.

    I agree with Blanche - give it time! Stay away from boys for a while! You are going through a lot right now and you need to give yourself time to process. You're giving M mixed signals (choose me, but I don't want you). Maybe he was trying to choose you. Just because he agreed with you about being "caught up in the moment" doesn't really mean that's what happened. The boy who's coming over? If you don't want him in your space, don't let him in. Talk on the phone. I love you. I want you to be happy. But, it seems to me that you don't know what you want right now. You need to step back and give yourself some space. Be nice you yourself - you're kind of fragile right now. Leave the boys alone and attend to you!

  2. if at first your instinct is that you want to say "oh you don't have to" or "that's okay, I can pay for my own" SHUT UP... it may be where you are at now and will act as a safety net for you because in your mind it means no strings, i paid my own way. please recall - dudes dont think like you!!! to a guy that likely equates to cool, i'm hanging out with this awesome chick that pays her own way AND they think it's going somewhere. don't kid yourself... they always think it's going somewhere - even if they don't admit it. in the long run, if it does progress to "somewhere" you will expect that there will be a changing of the tides when he will eventually take on the part of opening doors and picking up the tab. Probably not. IF there has been ANY "fun" stuff go on while you were paying your own way... it's not going to convert to you being pampered very easily.

    since i think just the thought of this is so far from the norm for you, i am willing to bet it will be at least six months before you're willing to find someone that you would practice on!

    at the end of the day know this. nobody else will ever make you happy, you hold the key to your happiness. surround yourself with people you WANT in your life because they add to your joy. all relationships require effort, period. its when you become aware of your efforts and that they are not offered freely and graciously that they become a drain and usually remain in your life because they have fallen into the NEED category. you have just positioned yourself so that you no longer are in a NEED space where you have to have somebody there regardless of the drain on your joy. sometimes the most satisfying times are the quiet alone times when you can just hang out with you... you really are quite cool - did you know?

    ...just my 2 (maybe 4 because its so opinionated) cents LYMI :) I can say that as its originator!!