Monday, May 31, 2010

Long Weekend...

Sometimes these long weekends turn out to be too long...

Like this one.

The kidlet and I spent a beautiful day with friends on Saturday. And decided to go on a brittle hunt on Sunday. Since it was a gorgeous day and he hadn't seen his dad, we invited his dad to go with us. So, Sunday ended up being a family day.

Which kind of throws me into all kinds of turmoil all over again. Especially when he speaks cryptically and makes me think that he spent the night with someone two nights earlier.

I hated that it bothered me. I know I'm a total hypocrite. I've made no secret of Eric. The Ex knows I'd spent an amazing weekend away with him just last weekend. But I didn't like those little licks of jealousy that were lapping at my brain.

And we got along so well, and our son just totally thrived in those hours that he got to spend with both of his parents...

It's so confusing sometimes to be such good friends with him. And here he is, being so freaking supportive of this major thing I've undertaken... Something he would not have been during our marriage.

So, then there was the phone call... With me crying... And him saying the words that I've longed to hear for so long... The words that Eric won't say.

It's all very confusing.

Which led to a sleepless night.

So, of course, after a sleepless night, I wasn't quite in the right mood for today.

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends. And those trusted friends made me realize I needed to make a few changes. Which I tried to do in a kind way.

Unfortunately, however, apparently, you have to bring drama to your world so that you can eliminate it. I just really didn't feel like bringing it today. And I accidentally did.

At least Ari has blocked me. And Andy came riding to her rescue on his white horse. I'm so disappointed in him. That he could actually accuse me of doing this because of him and Ari? Has that guy MET me?!? Ugh. Why on earth would I drag him into the ridiculousness that his girlfriend has created? Why would I have EVER told him that what is happening now between me and Ari started long before he ever entered the picture? Oh, I know. Because I never brought that kind of stuff to him. And had I known he'd been interested in her before they began, I might have told him. But he didn't. So, I didn't. It was too late.

I'm honestly so fucking over them.

Just as I'm so fucking over Cinderella. Why can't she just stay the fuck away from me and from mine? I hate that I have to push people I've cared about away just so that they don't feel like they're stuck in the middle.

But I'll do what I have to do. I need to continue to put my child first. And a happy and drama-free mommy is a far better mommy to him than the one who continues to hear little whispers about her opening her fucking mouth all over again.

I know she's reading this now. So, I'll give her this: GO AWAY!!! Do not EVER let my name cross your lips. AT ALL. You have NO reason to ever speak my name. NONE. And you have nobody to blame but YOU.

I'm just so fucking exhausted. And this is such a huge week. This thing that is coming... That I've been planning for nearly (more than?) a year... It's days away.

And I keep going back and forth on it. And there's no backing out now. Not that there ever was. I'm going through with it. And it's going to be amazing. And scary. And fun. And exciting. And a little bit crazy.

I just need to get my head back in the game. Process everything that has been thrown my way in the last two days...

I just need some Peace. And maybe a hug.

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