Friday, April 10, 2009

Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"


It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...


  1. Dear Shayna,

    You are such a nurturing spirit. I think people are drawn to you for the love and light you give so freely.

    I am very grateful for the friendship, joy and laughter you have brought to my life.

    Tons of love and light and hugs until the day where I can hug you in person.


  2. You should never doubt yourself. You picked me up off the floor when I didn't want to get up...mater of fact I think I'm still on your back. You are amamzing, without I wouldn't have made it through, with out you I wouldn't keep going. You give me a reason to smile and push through, to seek ClaRiTy, to heal, and to know I will dance with my daddy again. I love you.

    Love me.

  3. it constantly amazes me how we seem to go through oddly similar inner morphing at the same time. curious.
    i love you. you ARE a good friend. a real friend.
    and you'll be proud to know i saved all the blogs.