Monday, April 20, 2009

Everything I'd planned for... And more.

One reason I left my marriage is because of the traveling thing. The desire to share with my son a bit more than just our own little corner of the world. Not that our little corner of the world isn't amazing... But there's so much more to it...

And I'm actually doing it.

I've already set aside the money for our Thanksgiving trip. To the Grand Canyon. TF orchestrated it, but the check is ready. Because I've made sure of it.

Yesterday, I took him for his first train ride... He was smart enough to ask if we'd pass SM's house, and we totally did! And recognized it.

I'm nervous enough about taking the train. I can do planes. I can drive. But the train stresses me out. I've missed a train before. Because I was on the wrong side of the track (pun intended? Ish?)... And I stood between two trains and nearly got on the wrong one as I watched mine leave... Luckily, another train would come through an hour later, and I would be with my parents (both of them!) not long after the original schedule... I think I was pregnant at the time. I remember telling my dad not to talk to me until I'd eaten... My mom was really great about it.

That was just one of many memories I had while taking the train with my son. And, of course, I was caught up in remembering that one time I smuggled the pussy on the train... What? I'd smuggled a kitten for the HRT! And, of course, the kidlet remembered the time he dropped me off at the train station with the kitten... And decided to ask all kinds of questions about what happened to Marshmallow... Ugh. LOL!

But it's stressful enough for me. With only moments of a stop, you gotta get all your stuff and get on the train! And I'm always afraid to sleep on the train. Scared to miss my stop.

Add a small person to the mix... And I was the only one responsible for him... I had to carry my purse, his booster seat, the bag o' stuff I brought to keep us occupied on the train, a few things we needed to put in the car we were picking up, AND keep a handle on him.

And he's asking a bazillion questions, and I'm just trying to breathe... As my heart is racing and my palms are sweating... Okay, the rest of me was sweating too. It was hot!

But we made it onto the train... And somehow ended up on the first-class car... And didn't get kicked off. And it was a lovely trip...

And my dad picked us up at the other end... With the car he was giving to me... (I'm selling the minivan because it's rather embarrassing to be a single mom of one and driving a vehicle meant for SEVEN... lol.) He'd bought a new car and I'll pay him for the CRV when I sell the van... Which will happen this week. There's this awesome lady I spoke to today who's totally excited about it.

And my dad noticed my knitting in my bag... And questioned it... "You're knitting now?"

And it just really hit me that I am becoming this whole other person... She was just waiting to be in a place where she could try new things...

Yes, I'm now a person who knits... Well, ish. LOL. And I'm a person who takes her son on the train. And to the Grand Canyon. And to dinner with her ex-husband and his grandmother.

And I'm going to be a person who completes a 50-mile UltraMarathon. On a hard-core trail.

Stunningly, my dad was totally supportive about it. (He'd given me a hard time the last time I decided to do an Ultra. Actually, I'd only told him I was doing 26.2. I hadn't exactly trained. So, he was worried...)

Another person who was supportive was M. Didn't seem to think I was crazy at all. And he had even mentioned postponing his annual hunting trip for later in the season so I could do my favorite race of the year... (Which I'm not doing so I can do this trail run instead.)

I guess it's easier for him to be kind now that he doesn't feel like he has to. *shrug*

Mass amounts of ClaRiTy in recent days... So much I haven't much felt like blogging, actually. I finally asked the few friends who are still in touch with the HRT to never talk to me about him again. I will try not to ask, as well... It wasn't even the HRT I was upset about in those moments... But one of the Mean Girls from last summer.... Whom I respected enough to share what was going on with k2b. But she was a bitch (which I should have expected, but still gave that chance).

And I realized that while I would still rejoice over successes and happinesses, and I would still step up when things got tough (a text to the HRT when a friend of his passed away went unanswered, but I was still a person who sent it), these people simply don't care. They are simply not evolved enough to be able to send Light and Love to a third party because they're still so caught up in sending negativity towards me.

And then I found out that the same Mean Girl who was a bitch had something scary happening in her world... And for a moment, it gave me pause... Should I email her? Ask a mutual friend about it?

Ultimately, I decided to send some Light and some Love and nothing else.

And that's when I realized I've been waiting for some of them to step up... Because I know they got the memo about a friend who's been in the hospital for months and is probably going to actually die this time... And they don't care enough to say anything to me... And it finally hit me...

That it's okay....

It's okay for them not to say anything... That even though I am a person who would still want to know because I still care, they are not like me... And if they don't want to know the joys in my world, I don't need for them to know the tragedies either.

And I finally figured out how to delete phone numbers from my SIM card... And those last saved text messages... The ones to remind me of pain and horribleness (my blog. My words. I make 'em up. Deal with it.)... I finally deleted those, too...

I'm ready to actually let go... I was holding onto the bad so that I wouldn't be tempted to let them back in at some point... But I was finally able to let it go... Secure in the knowledge that I won't actually ever let them back in.

As I'm evolving into the woman I'd said I wanted to become, I'm actually finding more and more about me that I'm happy about...

I'm proud of myself for following through on stuff... I'm proud of myself for learning new things... I'm proud of myself for taking on new challenges... I'm proud of myself for providing for my son.

I'm grateful for being open to the people who tell me the hard things... I'm grateful for not being the materialistic girl that some pegged me to be...

My "new" car has far fewer bells and whistles than the minivan... I'd joked that the lack of a CD player was a dealbreaker to my dad... And then said I would buy myself one... But I don't actually seem to need it at this point. And I mentioned that it's weird not to have a remote to unlock the doors. I actually have to put the key in the lock. And a friend said she couldn't handle that. And I shrugged and said, "It's a Honda that will keep me and my son from being stranded somewhere. He's old enough to be patient while I unlock the doors."

I'm truly a person who is learning to be happy with what she actually has.

And today, I like that about me.


  1. Loved reading this - you sound so great, it's nice to read! Love ya, sugarbeet!

  2. Shayna,

    Wonderful to hear how you are feeling, being happy with what you have, who you are.



  3. I am so proud of you for so many reasons. Can't wait to see you on Sunday!


  4. Shayna you are an amazing woman!! Im happy that you are happy!!

    <3 Jess

  5. That's a good thing to like about yourself. You are emerging into a whole new world as a whole new woman.

    :) V