Okay, maybe I have one last secret...

For those of you who have been living under a rock, you might not know that I am a huge fan of PostSecret. Huge fan... I was introduced to PostSecret a couple of years ago by a friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

But I have all four books.

And, yes... I've sent in a postcard or thirty. Haha.

Making those postcards has been so cathartic for me... It's been better than blogging because I can be a total bitch when I make those cards and nobody will ever know just how much anger I'd been carrying when I've been all "Love and Light" and shit on the internet and in real life...

Because I was a person who tried so hard to convince myself that certain things were okay, when they really weren't... That I was okay with what those horrid girls did last summer... That I was okay with what the HRT did... That the ARSHole wasn't so awful...

And in the privacy of my own home, I would take out my scissors, glue sticks, stickers, photos, etc... And I would just... EXPRESS IT.

There was the day last winter when I made a whole bunch of cards to get my angst out over the HRT... And I anxiously stalked the website, waiting for one of those cards to show up... Because that would totally show him!!!

But they never did.

Frank never posted my cards... Nor did he ever post any of the emails I'd sent...

But then I would find myself telling my closest friends about what those postcards said... And those secrets didn't have so much of a hold over me... Through the making and sending of the cards, they lost their power... And I felt better...

And I'd had these two photographs sitting in my place... Photos I knew I didn't want... But I couldn't bring myself to simply throw them away... Because I had feelings wrapped up in them... Feelings I hadn't been able to express...

And the postcard... The beautiful black and white artsy postcard I'd picked up in San Francisco when I was with Ari... It was a fork, lying face-down on a plate... My plan at that time was to frame it and put it in my new apartment when I moved...

But I didn't do it... A couple of months ago, I knew it would end up sent to PostSecret... But I didn't know what it would say...

And the day I sent in those photographs... Expressing the hurt one girl had caused... And the admission that I was finally grateful for the HRT not showing up in my town on that particular weekend... That was the day I created the secret on the fork postcard... It was my deepest secret...

And then I addressed it, and it struck me that the photo on the card was a Paris photo... Taken long before my lifetime would begin...

And I remembered how CoffeeLady had told me not to date anybody who reads my blog... Because I'm so open and honest in here (today being asked "did I really just read about your butthole?") that somebody might use that information to get to me in a way I wouldn't welcome...

And I remembered how the HRT had done that... He acted like he knew me so well... And while he knew he didn't embody everything I'd written in my "list" (this goes back to a blog I wrote a lifetime ago... About what I'm looking for), he wanted to become the person worthy of being with me... And while he hadn't traveled as much as I was hoping for, he told me that he wanted to travel with me...

And take me to Paris.

Um, but I don't want to go to Paris. I've never wanted to go to Paris. There are two European cities in particular that I do want to visit. But it's never been Paris...

And when we talked about it, I was really sweet about it, "Oh, you mean... ???" And he quickly said, "Yes, isn't that where you wanted to go?"

And it was early days, so I let it slide...

So, I finally made the postcard... And as I addressed it, I added a little note for Frank...

And before I put that card in the mail, I actually pulled part of my secret off of the front... Because I was afraid that it would end up getting posted and that someone in my world would figure out that it was me...

And then last weekend, I checked the site... None of my secrets made it...

This morning, I checked it from my phone... And I saw my own writing!!!

I raced to the computer because I wanted to check and see if it was one of the postcards where you put your cursor over it and it flips over... Suddenly terrified that someone would recognize my writing, I simply had to know....

And he hadn't done it that way...

Heart in my throat, I dashed off an email to Frank... And texted a couple of girlfriends who follow the site...

A couple of hours later, I saw that he'd also printed my email... And I was scared that he would have gone ahead and shared the other side...

But he hadn't...

And these people on the forum seemed to think that what was written was what the secret was about...

And I hadn't thought that it was...

But maybe it was... Maybe that's the thing I was supposed to take from this... That the one secret I'm still keeping doesn't matter... Because there's no way to change it anyway...

But knowing that the person who will come into my world will be better than the ones who've left it (the ones who left by choice. Please don't misunderstand me on that line! LOL!)...

And the next guy?? Well, he sure as hell won't offer to take me to Paris!!