Saturday, October 9, 2010

Pity? Party of One?

OMG, I am throwing a huge one right now.

I'm sick. I've been sick for days. And not, like, pop two Day-Quil and make it through sick. Like, sleep for 16 hours straight sick. Wake up and do a couple of things and go back to sleep sick.

I haven't been this sick in a long time.

And, of course, being sick makes me think stupid things. And do stupid things.

After last weekend, I felt like I owed Eric a conversation. I'm not proud of how I ended things with him. Over the phone? Never giving him a chance to say goodbye? That was somewhat (okay, extraordinarily!) bitchy of me. Not who I wanted to be. But I'd decided upon my goal, and I needed to go after that. And not look back.

Enter flu. Which gives me too much time to look back.

When Eric blew me off last weekend, I thought, "Well, whatever. I tried. If he can't take five minutes for me to explain, then he'll discover what I did and be hurt, but that's not my fault. I would have talked to him. I wanted to try to do the kind thing."

He couldn't talk because he was getting divorced. Like, for real.

But then... He called again. And I'd just popped some Nyquil and was downing my hot toddy, heavy on the whiskey. I opened with, "I shouldn't be talking to you. I'm on Nyquil AND whiskey..."

So, Eric has a girlfriend. They've been together for several weeks already. Guess he didn't really mean it when he said it would take a long time to get over me. Went on to tell me that she's a single mom with two young kids. Must be his "type". Ugh. I hate being a "type". Went on to tell me that he took her and a friend to my coffee shop. Which explains why the owner was all sympathetic at me last weekend. "But it wasn't like a DATE. I just met them for coffee. I didn't hug her or anything in there!" Is he really that thick? Does he REALLY think that the incredibly astute owner of the coffee shop isn't going to put 2 and 2 together? When the only people he's ever been there with before were his kids or me? OMG.

And there was DM, telling me that Eric and 23 could have this little "We can't get over RetroMama" club. Right. Eric's obviously over me. Which is what I wanted, I guess.

But I guess it's somewhat of a shock. Especially when he made it out to be such a big deal for him to tell me he loved me since that wasn't something he took lightly. Guess maybe he took it lighter than I'd thought.

At least I found all of this out the night after the Husband and I had a fairly good evening together. Oh, did I mention we may have fired our therapist? I don't know what was wrong with her, but we walked out of her office mid-sentence the other night. It was brutal.

And all I could think was that we were finally at a place where we were working on things and now we can't go back to her... Where does that leave us? And that's a scary place to be.

But then the next night, we sat together and relaxed. And he finally hugged me. A really real hug. And he kissed the top of my head. And it felt like it had been so long since I'd been hugged. And it felt so good. And then he texted me when he got home to tell me he'd enjoyed our time together that night. Holy making an effort!!

So, that's where I was when I finally spoke to Eric. For the first time in more than two months. And the day after THAT conversation, Eric emailed me to tell me how much better he felt after our conversation. Well, goody for him. Because I don't. I was finding myself feeling completely unimportant. Like maybe I was lying to myself that whole time. Because I couldn't have meant that much if he got over me so quickly, right?

And he didn't even get why I was so mad about him not telling me his dad was okay. "I thought I wasn't supposed to be talking to you." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? You've been hearing from me every couple of days, checking in on you, and you think you're not allowed to tell me that your dad is alive? What the fuck is that about? Well, I guess I know what that's about. NOF told me when I found out that I wasn't high enough on the priority list to tell. And she was right. Silly me.

And then in my Morning after NyQuil and Whiskey Part II fog, I began obsessing. Eric's now divorced. And he had told a friend months ago that he and I would be engaged the week after his divorce. So, I found myself wondering if he's engaged to his new girlfriend. AND, in further stupidity, I called to ask. (shut up, you two. I'm too weak right now to be able to dodge the many things you're throwing at me right now.) And he laughed at me. Said, "of course, I'm not engaged!" And when I said, "But you told your friend you would be, months ago..." And he doesn't even fucking remember that. Again, hello, Reminder that I Never Really Mattered.

And the Husband was so great the other day. Offered to take the kidlet so that I could just sleep all weekend... I'm a very lucky "single mom" that gets to sleep when she's sick. But when I feel this bad, this lonely, this bored, I can't seem to focus on that.

I find myself focusing on how great Eric was when I was sick earlier this year. Bringing me soup. Snuggling with me.

And the Husband didn't even call until 3 today.

And then Eric texts me with some lame excuse as to why he's not calling me tonight like he'd said he would. So, I texted him back and told him to forget it.

The only reason why I even talked to him was because my defenses were down. But my eyes are open (for the moment. Haha. A little "I sleep a lot these days" humor.) to the truth.

I didn't matter to Eric. I don't matter all that much to the Husband either at the moment. I matter more than I did a week ago, but we're so not there yet.

I need more whiskey and more sleep.

And anybody who wants to tell me that, "Of course, you mattered to Eric at one time" is going to get a huge FUCK YOU from me. So, don't even try it.

I'm not always like this, am I? This is just the flu talking, right? Because I am just so not feeling good right now.

And I'm remembering the first time I got a cold when I was in the dorms in college. And I really missed my mom. And one of my suitemates gave me a little package of kleenex and signed it "from mom".

And maybe this is really what this is all about. Maybe I am just really missing my mom. Or maybe I'm just missing anybody and anything that would take care of me. Because being alone and sick is just not fun. I don't like taking care of myself. I want someone else to do it. I want someone else to WANT to.

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