Sunday, October 3, 2010

Reason, Season, Lifetime. Again.

I keep forgetting that I can also be a Reason.

I guess I don't give myself enough credit for that. Maybe I'm friends with someone because I'm supposed to connect them to someone else and then I'm supposed to MOVE ON.

But that doesn't stop the hurting.

And it doesn't stop me from feeling stupid when I realize that someone in my world truly does NOT have my best interests at heart. Not that they all should. Because everybody really should be looking out for him/herself. Doing what makes them happy. But I have this expectation that people around me err on the side of kindness.

And I think I'm sick of people choosing to be kinder to someone who, supposedly, doesn't matter. Especially when I'm the one sitting here trying to do the right thing. Trying to err on the side of kindness. Standing up for my friends. Fiercely.

That makes it hurt even more when I realize that all of those things I said in her defense were wrong. Wait. That's not true. She is loyal. Just not to me.


This isn't the first time I've dealt with this. And like before, I'll just change my own boundaries. I don't have to go through a big breakup over this. I just need to change how I behave when I'm around this person. And I certainly need to remind myself not to count on her anymore. 'Cause she certainly doesn't have my back.

I just really hate that I had to pull up the BGPs and do something that I swore two months ago that I wouldn't. Because now someone else gets to get hurt, unnecessarily. But I have to look out for myself and my family and my friends. And I will err on the side of kindness for THEM. And not the one who doesn't really matter that much anymore.

So, this marriage counseling stuff sucks. I pretty much cried for 14 hours after the last session. Not kidding. Barely slept. Woke up crying every time I turned over. Sucked. Hard.

But the very next day, baby steps were taken.

I don't know if my husband and I will end up back together. And I've been asked if this agony will be worth it if we don't.

And the answer is, without a doubt...


TG reminded me that I have been through a lot without him. Job loss. Deaths of loved ones. Shit, I beat cancer without him.

I know I can survive without him.

And, obviously, if we manage to work things out and learn to be happy together, this excruciating process will all be worth it.

But it will also be worth it if we don't work out.

Because only through this will I know that I really, really, really tried this time.

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