Elijah can't Come without a Purple Rabbit.

Alternate Title: Manifest This!

Alternate Title 2: Don't rain on my parade.

So, the girl who spent Thanksgiving with her SoulMate in March is now the girl who might have had a Seder on Wednesday or Thursday like all the good Jewish families, but in true SoulMate style, scheduled it for Saturday instead.

The plan was formed a few weeks ago... I was dreading Easter. Dreading not being with my son. I would have had him for the entire Spring Break, but Easter is his dad's holiday. Not mine. But I would miss playing the role of Bunny for both my son and his cousins.

Being the proactive chick I am, I made a plan with the SoulMate. She was feeling the empty nest syndrome since all the people who had been staying with her (prompting the March Thanksgiving) would be gone and she wanted me to spend the night in her guest room. Everybody would win if I stayed with her last night and spent Easter morning with them. I would be going to TF's later that afternoon. SM decided to make it a party, and would also ask her friend, Ben (not his real name) to join us... Had I met Ben?

Um, hello? I mentioned him in the Thanksgiving blog... The maker of amazing cranberry sauce? The really comfortable hug? Yeah, since Thanksgiving, I've had it all figured out. He has (in my fantasies) become the yin to my yang. The one with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I'd actually asked her about him in an email, (because, of course, with my luck, his fabulously gorgeous wife couldn't join us for Thanksgiving because she was working on her dissertation for her Ph.D. or stuck in the lab on the verge of curing cancer or something equally as worthwhile), just a casual "So, what's Ben's story?"

When she'd answered that email, she said nothing about Ben. I, of course, decided that she absolutely loves me and loves Ben, but she knows that I've got a few holes in my boat right now, so perhaps she didn't want to subject Ben to the mayhem that has been me over the last year or so?

Right.

Anyway, during the course of planning the Seder party (and I've decided that this will be the night that he will look into my eyes and decide he wants to ask me to dinner (what? I'm starting off small here... We've got the rest of our lives, so we can take it slow)), she says, "Oh, yeah. You asked me about Ben... I meant to tell you..."

My heart pounding, I knew what was coming... He's asked about me. He wants to spend time with me. He felt that connection and wants to spend the rest of his life with me too?

Um, yeah. No. He's gay.

Of course he's gay!!!

Well, pressure's off. Now I don't have to worry about shaving my legs. Whee!

Fast-forward to yesterday.

I decided to buy a table. I had finally realized they simply don't make tables in the shape I want. Everybody told me to get a round table, but I really wanted a square table... I finally realized I would end up settling for a round table and was becoming okay with it... And then last week, I found the EXACT table I'm looking for. AND, they custom build them so I would get to truly make this table (and the chairs!) my own.

Driving to the furniture store, I called the one I'd thought was worthy of the dinner several weeks ago (thank goodness he has a girlfriend now and I don't have to worry about dating him anymore!) and told him how excited I was about buying a table, and hadn't we shopped for a dining room table for him several years ago???

And then he asked how much I was spending, so I told him. And he was all, "Oh, wow. That's a lot." Um, look, asshole, I'm not in the same situation as you are. I didn't just graduate college with a degree in something that was one of the first professions to take a hit in the recession, and I've been saving. So, you don't get to make me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

Because I am.

But it's kind of hard to get that level of excitement back when someone dashes some cold water on it. Eesh.

I did manage to get the excitement back... I ordered the table that is perfect for me. AND it was on sale. AND they paid the sales tax. So, screw you, not-so-worthy one. I won't be cooking for you again. You won't get to sit at the fabulous table. So there. Ha.

And then I made it to the SoulMate's home... With lots of wine. Which we proceeded to drink. In mass quantities. Luckily, I'd forgotten my phone charger and so I was cautious about the technology, so I don't think I was totally annoying or anything via the BlackBerry. (Although, SM's husband told me he was slightly distracted by the red light blinking from my bra... Haha)

We were well into the second bottle of wine by the time we finally sat down to dinner... I'd already told Ben all about the big plans I'd had for our future and he was totally great about it and told me if only I had more hair on my chest, I could have been perfect for him as well. He'd brought this amazing cheese (and more wine!) and we were all giddy by the time we sat down... The table was beautifully set with all of the traditional Seder bits but of course, we ended up using the stack of Haggadahs for a trivet for the amazing broccoli dish...

And as we drank and ate, no subject was taboo... Including vibrators, meeting men, "holes in his boat" and the gem we came up with about how "we don't have holes in our own boats, we just have holes in our oars..." And then SM spilled Elijah's cup of wine... And as we frantically tried to soak up the purple stain, someone said, "But now Elijah can't come!" And someone else said, "He could if he had a purple rabbit!"

Why, yes. My soul circle does talk about the prophet like that... Good times.

Later, I would collapse on SM's bed and pat her and talk with her while she drifted in and out before launching myself off the bed and draping myself over the toilet in their sons' bathroom... I felt hands on my forehead, pulling my hair back and then the sweet relief of the damp and cool washcloth on my cheeks... It was minutes before I realized it wasn't SM. It was her husband. Who even went into my suitcase and found my toothbrush as I sat with my back to the tub and rested my head on its edge...

I can't believe I threw up. That hasn't happened in awhile. And SM's husband took such good care of me... So sweet.

This morning was a lazy morning. SM and I had some toast, and I entertained her boys while she and I chatted and cleaned up from the night before... And there was a bottle of wine that had gone missing and neither of us remembered having opened it... After looking in the downstairs refrigerator, of course, we found it in the recycling. We pretty much had killed four bottles between the four of us. And Ben couldn't have had very much since he was okay to drive home.

Whoa.

I had promised Ben to get SM out of the house for some grown-up girl time, so we went out for some coffee and just chatted and such... And we talked about how I'm figuring out what I'm not looking for... So, we decided it's time to start manifesting what I am looking for in a potential mate.

I've got it mostly figured out. And I'm back to believing he's out there. So, I'm working on a new mantra. And back to manifesting with purpose...

And then TF asked me where I was because they were waiting for wine... I brought it and they all drank it... I drank water. And enjoyed every last drop.

After dinner, TF taught me to knit. Which I'm pretty excited about... I'm making something for someone for that Pay it Forward project over on FB... And I'm really excited about it. And proud of the small progress I made this evening...

And we started with the plans for Thanksgiving... The one in November. The one I decided to fight for... And the husband-guy reminded me why I'm glad we're not going to be married anymore. Not intentionally, I'm sure, but I was sure glad TF took my ranting phone call so I could get it off my chest...

And then my dad came up with this plan to help me out, and I just love him for it...

So, it's back to work tomorrow... After an amazing week with the Kidlet... Surrounded by Light and Love and reminders of what I don't want...

And with CB's observation still ringing in my brain... "She's such a strong woman, but she kind of falls apart when it comes to talking to boys..." But he asked me "what's the worst that could happen?"

So, I will focus on that. And put myself out there. Because what's the worst that could happen? Certainly not anything worse than anything I've already been through... And I'm stronger now. Therapized and shit.

Time to manifest what I can accept and what I actually want...

Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"

*sigh*

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...

Exes and Ohs

When I was 15, I met JD. We were at an amusement-park (ish) and he was the first boy who'd ever asked for my phone number. I'd just gotten contacts (as opposed to the enormous glasses I'd sported since the age of 9) and my braces removed about 5 minutes earlier...

Long story short: He was my first kiss, my first love. It lasted slightly longer than 5 minutes (maybe 10?), and we broke up.

Years later, I would find him on MySpace... And he had this friend...

Another ex-girlfriend of his... One he'd kept in touch with all these years... Being the mad internet lurker I was (okay, maybe still am! LOL!), I realized she and I had a lot in common... JD played the go-between for awhile before she and I sent our own messages to each other... Turns out she and I would happen to be in the same town several states away for a function... We made no plans to meet.

And then fate intervened... In a place where we probably shouldn't have connected... There were more than 10,000 people there. But we happened to find each other...

That woman is my TrueFriend... TF for short. And she and I connected because we both happened to date the same boy a lifetime ago.

Also on MySpace... An acquaintance I knew vaguely in high school had a couple of glasses of wine one night and wrote to me... Turns out she'd been lurking for awhile, and thought I was cool. (Since when did "dork" become the new "cool"?)

We became instant Internet BFFs, and when she came to visit, it was like we'd always been friends... It was over dinner that we found out that we'd both dated the same boy in high school. It took me two days to get over the shock of that before I could blog about it... So much ClaRiTy in that evening... She'd been drawn to me because I had valuable information that would set her free of a guilt she'd been carrying for half of her life at that point...

And now, I can't imagine my world without her in it. Such a wonderful blessing in my life...

And last week, I got a text from her... Telling me that SB (the ex we had both dated) had friend-requested her on Facebook.

Um, WTF?

The last time SB and I spoke, I was told that he wasn't "allowed" to have anything to do with me. I was an ex-girlfriend. His wife knew my name and wasn't cool with my existence. (The reason why we were speaking on the phone was that I was out with a mutual friend who was going to take me to see him, and I said, "Shouldn't you warn him that you're bringing me over?" And when he heard it was me, we cancelled the plan to go over there, but he wanted to catch up over the phone...)

So, how come he's allowed to be friends with my BFF?

Oh, and then of course, I went and found him on Facebook, and found out that he's also friends with ANOTHER ex-girlfriend of his!

So, now I'm completely insulted and irritated to be left out...

And then the BFF said, "Well, I'm not a threat... He wasn't engaged to me..."

And with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach before I dissolved in nearly hysterical giggles, I remembered that I had, indeed, been engaged to the guy...

But I had forgotten that part...

How could I have forgotten that this guy asked me to marry him when I was 18? And I went off to college with a little chip of a diamond on my fourth finger on my left hand??

How could he have turned out to be so unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I had to be reminded that I had once said I'd marry him???

*awkward silence*

Nothing good would come from contacting him at this point... The only good thing about that relationship is that it would lead me to a cherished friendship many years later...

I'm luckier on the JD front... He's turned out to be a good friend as well... And I'll always be grateful to him for leading me to my TF... And I guess I can send some L&L to good ol' SB... Because he brought me a dear BFF...

So, yay for exes... Who bring me BFFs.

A tizzy is not quite a tailspin.

Things are good. I'm not quite the spaz I was just a couple of months ago. Things still get to me (I'm still me!), but I am not quite the mountain-maker of molehills I was.

In this place, I don't have quite the OCD thing going that I did.

Back at the house, I would check and re-check the front door several times before I could go to bed. And if M wasn't around, I always left the tv on and fell asleep to it.

I don't even have a tv in my bedroom anymore.

And I'm not constantly checking my alarm 18 times before falling asleep. And then waking up to check it during the night.

I sleep better here. For the most part.

I miss my son madly. He left on Saturday and I didn't see him again until Tuesday. And by Tuesday morning, I was pretty down.

Luckily, my FB pals cheered me up. (FML, anyone???)

CoffeeLady said some things to me the other day that I've been pondering. And trying to cut ties. And being clear in my expectations and standiong up for myself.

But the Sundays I don't have T are hard. And when I worked on homework all friggin' afternoon late into the night, I was not thrilled.

And then I find myself processing it out... And talking more openly. And realizing that there are people in my world who came into it because, apparently, the appeal of a married woman was intriguing. And it seemed safe then.

And there are people in my world who say really tough things to me. Because I need to hear them. And I'm not feeling quite as fragile as I was. But I am still a bit.

K2B told me that he was surprised at how well I'm adjusting. He thought it would take me longer to find happiness being away from M. I guess things had simply gotten so uncomfortable there that anything would be better.

And I am so glad not to be with him anymore. I'm finding that he's not my closest confidante anymore. I haven't asked him to go to marriage counseling in more than a week. (I'd pretty much mentioned it every couple of days since before moving out.)

I'm still being really generous with him, though. I care about it. If T and I are going to dinner, I invite M to join us.

But then today... We had a conference with T's teacher. And I had assumed we'd go grab some food and discuss it with him. But M's mom was making dinner for them. Which she does all the time, apparently... Lucky boys to be living with his folks. But I'm not ever invited to do that.

*shrug*

Easter's not for a month, but I'm already sad about it. I wandered through the drug store this afternoon and stopped myself from buying stuff... I'll still probably get a few things for T, but I am not spending money on his cousins anymore... I used to really enjoy putting together the Easter buckets, though.

*sigh*

And I had just found out that a student I've been working hard with... He's a little punk. I don't particularly like him. But I've been consistent with him, trying so hard to help him. I found out today that he's in quite a bit of trouble... And I can't help but question if maybe we could have saved him if only.... If only... If only...

Then there's the matter of the soul mate. Not to be confused with the SoulMate, of course.

Sometimes I can't stand that people really get me and they encourage me to take a stand when I really think maybe I should just let stuff go... Let the next person worry about it... But, no. Apparently, I'm the one who's in the privileged position of saying the hard things...

So, I did.

And that got me all kinds of mixed-up.

Good thing I have TheRaPy tomorrow.

Because I'm not going into a tailspin over this stuff... I'm just going to work on my homework, get it done so I can play with IP this weekend for her birthday. Eat some dinner. And be grateful for the solitude.

Grateful for the solitude. Grateful for the solitude.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I love that I don't have to do my husband's laundry anymore?

*contented sigh*

I'm doing laundry now. And it's really so very easy here.

*grin*

Okay, dinner. Going now.

Not quite the Skinemax rated blog we were hoping for.

So, my cousin set me up on a blind date. Sort of.

A couple of weeks ago, she and I decided to go see our uncle's play. And she asked me if it would be a girls' night or could she bring her boyfriend? I didn't get back to her before she asked me again and told me that she had a date lined up for me... Cute, but young. A friend of the boyfriend's. I wrote back "that's fine. Just tell him I'm expensive and I don't put out..." LOL.

I kind of forgot the whole thing until a couple of days before the play. We were hammering out details about dinner and she mentioned the date's name. And I pictured some short guy with red hair and freckles who looked like he's about 12 years old.

And then it hit me... Was this what the kids call a "blind date"? Asking a few friends, and a couple of my students... Who all agreed. This would be a blind date.

Great. Well, someone to practice on, right?

Anyway. Saturday morning, the cousin called.... Had I ordered tickets for the play? Um, no. Had she? We decided she should call our uncle and find out if we could still get in, but that we would still do dinner and perhaps a movie instead if we couldn't go to the play.

Ten minutes later, I got a text. That we were all set for the play, and BTW, C and E would be there. Um, you mean my ex-boyfriend's grandparents??? The ones who are practically like MY grandparents, but still might not know that I am getting divorced?

Wow. This would be fun.

Only in my world would anybody be going out on an unexpected blind date and go hang out with an ex's grandparents.

And that was when I got nervous. Ugh.

And of course the guy turned out to be adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. And, yeah, he looked like he's about 12. I was surprised that we actually had a lot in common, but we didn't really talk that much. He was busy catching up with my cousin's boyfriend and she and I kind of talked to each other, but we did hit upon politics, religion, the weather, exercise, etc... I was slightly miffed when he said something about "Thirteen miles? You should be able to do that in less than three hours..." Um, and how many half-marathons have you run, Mister?

I was having a good time, but not feeling any particular connection... Just enjoying being out with nice people and going to the theater... Did see the ex's family, but didn't really get into any introductions or anything... And then, of course, the ex's MOM came outside to greet me! (I stupidly hadn't thought that she would have been the one driving them to the theater!) I didn't want to be rude, but there was no way I was going to introduce her to the guy that had just figured out that I have a son... (He asked "does your son like climbing on stuff like we do?" I grinned and answered, "absolutely. He gets it from his mom...")

While we were in line, we kind of split off a bit. My cousin and her boyfriend were all snuggly in line and that left me and my "date" to chat. We were finally having a dialogue when his phone rang. He very nicely apologized for answering it, but it was, apparently, his buddy who had just broken up with someone the night before... My "date" had insisted that the guy stay at his place that night so he wouldn't have to stay with his now ex-girlfriend... (At dinner, I'd asked, "Oh, you mean when people break up, they're supposed to not live together for more than a year afterwards?" And we all laughed about that....) Anyway, the friend had, apparently, locked himself out of his house, and could my "date" go let him in? My cousin and her boyfriend joked that he should just let him sit there for a couple of hours and wait, but this guy is pretty nice (and I, apparently, wasn't interesting enough for him to want to stay) and so he left to go rescue his friend. It all happened very quickly, the leaving and such.

So, no, TG, I doubt that I will see him again (unless the cousin sets up another "date" for the next play! LOL!)... And that's totally fine... I did ask "So, he found out I have a kid and went running, huh?" My cousin insisted it had nothing to do with me and that it's just "something that happened."

So, we watched the play and hung out with my uncle and his friends for a bit afterwards, and then I came home, set the clocks, and went to sleep for a few hours.

Last time change, BlackBerry didn't automatically update. So, I changed the time and set my alarm. And, this time, BlackBerry did it itself and I ended up getting up an hour earlier than planned. Ugh.

But I got in some lovely mileage with Ari, and then CoffeeLady met us for coffee... Ari spoiled me with a huge bag of Its a Grind High Octane coffee beans as a housewarming gift. I can't wait to go grind them. Whee!

So, here I am, procrastinating (again!) on my schoolwork... Blogging it because certain people were expecting the story. Which isn't much of a story. *shrug*

But I'm learning something about myself. Well, several somethings:

1. K2B thought it would take me a lot longer to find my "happy place" here. I wasn't insulted to hear that. But I am glad that I am in this "happy place".

2. I can go on a date. And not take it personally if it doesn't go anywhere. (DM and I decided that it's a "maturity" thing and not an "age" thing. So, I am now more open to considering someone younger. Where I wouldn't have before...)

3. If someone wants to run because I have a son, LET HIM. Buh-bye. I'm not going to hide that fact. Don't want someone falling in love with me and then having to "decide" whether or not I'm worth taking on my kid as well. My mom hid the fact of my existence the first couple of times she went out with my dad... And, yeah, they ended up living happily ever after (-ish), but I'm not that girl. I'm a mom, first. A potential mate second.

4. Awkward situations aren't nearly as awkward as they can seem. I have madder communication skillz than I'd given myself credit for.

5. Sometimes a molehill is just that. And I don't really need to make it a mountain anymore.

Now for some schoolwork.

So, quit reading, then. Eesh.

This could have been a far more vicious rant than it will be. I could have gone off about how it's my blog and I can write what I want to. Just as you, my two readers, can choose to read or not read.

I've gotten some feedback about my blog.

I've been told that I have a hard life and that it is not everyone else's fault that I am miserable. And that I make myself miserable by dwelling on all the negative things that have happened to me.

But, um. I'm not miserable. Sorry if you think I should be (forgive me my sarcasm). But I'm not. And I've re-read these last entries and tried to read them as they were perceived and I'm simply not seeing it. I'm not miserable. I'm actually really happy.

And while some shitty stuff has happened in my world, I don't really see myself as a victim. And I actually feel sorry for anybody who reads this and sees me as one. Because I will always go back to kicking ass even as I falter.

But I am not faltering now...

I know that it is a frightening thing to watch a woman go out on her own. To make her way in the world. Without a man at her side. And maybe she really fucked up somewhere along the line. But this woman has been open and honest with those who matter. You think I say too much on the internet? You have no fucking clue what I have kept off of the internet! No clue. Those "innocent bystanders" you claim to defend? One of them knows that I write. And has chosen to be okay with it. The other? Is probably so fucking grateful that I'm keeping the rest of his dirty laundry off the internet that he's staying out of it. You think I blogged all of it? You have no clue.

Yeah, I'm a single mom. Yes, I have people who truly love me (and who have decided not to let my agnosticism come in between us) and have expressed their concern about me. Not once trying to censor me. But telling me that yes, I am in a vulnerable place. To be careful with my heart. Those rational ones realize that in this place I have kept my identity and the identities of those mentioned somewhat cryptic. My whereabouts are not given, and I do this for the safety of myself and my child.

I am so sad for you that you believe that because I am a blogger that I put myself in danger... That you believe I will "get" myself "abused, raped, taken advantage of, or something else..."

Wow.

Well, guess what. (And forgive me if this is TMI... Oh, wait. That's my tagline. If you don't want to know, then stop reading the damned thing!)

I've already survived abuse, rape, being taken advantage of, and lots of something elses...

And I'm still here. And ready to tell the tale.

*giggle*

Doesn't everyone celebrate Thanksgiving in March?

And all because CB went to Ikea on Friday and asked if I needed anything...

A few of you may know that I've been wrestling with my belief system for awhile now. What you may not know is that this ended up being one of the issues in the divorce (or the divorce-ish thing I've got going on)... When I admitted I'd been following some of the science blogs (why does that word "admitted" seem like a confession of guilt?), and that many of them are written by fairly militant atheists, my husband started teasing me about reading the "satanic blogs".

I count Einstein and Galileo among my heroes. I doubt the existence of God as an all-knowing, all-powerful being (I can hear the gasps of horror from here. I can hear the click of the "delete" button...).

And yet I believe in Angels. I believe in SoulMates. I believe in the Universe and Energies making things happen... As my SoulMate said to another friend today, "Careful. This one manifests stuff like you wouldn't believe..." I call it my mad skillz. Because I do believe that I have the power to make stuff happen... Not sure about Fate... I believe there are multiple Fates and that people have the power to change their futures based on their own decisions.

But I do believe in that stuff. And I don't know if there's a religion that embodies all of that.

Anyway.

If CB hadn't thought to ask if I needed anything from Ikea, maybe today wouldn't have happened.

But it did.

Ten miles with my girlz yesterday... ClaRiTy all over the place. Realizing that maybe the worthy one I made dinner for last weekend isn't necessarily worthy of anything more than that. Back to Liz Gilbert and the EPL...

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

Oy, with the ClaRiTy, already!

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I keep saying I'm at a point in my life where I'm not willing to take on that big of a challenge within a relationship.

So, stop.

And I don't want a relationship right now. TheRaPist keeps telling me that Blanche wasn't necessarily right. That it's okay for me to date now. To take it slow, but dating is okay. Spending time with someone is okay.

And I realized that I want to go out to dinner. I've said it before and I'm putting it out into the Universe. I actually really want to go to dinner with someone that I won't necessarily want to see again. I want to know what it's like to go out and spend time with someone and NOT necessarily fall in love and make it into something more than it is.


Just... Dinner. Out.

Anyway.

I was thrilled to get my boy back last night, and we had been contemplating a Disney day, but I knew we needed to connect with CB to get my Ikea goodies...

And then as my boy snuggled with me in my bed, my phone rang, and it was my SoulMate, inviting me to a somewhat impromptu Thanksgiving meal at her house if I was in the neighborhood (because I'd mentioned that last week)... She has had family in town and they decided to do the whole turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes thing. And did we want to join them?

Realizing I could kill all kinds of birds with this stone, we blew off the Disney thing and decided to go the Thanksgiving route. The kidlet thought it was hysterical to celebrate Thanksgiving in March. But five bucks says he remembers it forever.

I was thrilled that TF decided to join CB to meet us, and we spent a very enjoyable hour just talking, eating, laughing our asses off (The kidlet thought a better name for the Snuggie would be the shwanket, which had TF and me crying with laughter at the table!), and just enjoying each other's company...

After searching (nearly fruitlessly) for a table, we headed over to see the SoulMate and her crew.

It was utterly lovely to be in her presence, and in the presence of those she calls her "soul circle"... And I loved that I am in it. And the hug I received from the one who made the amazing cranberry sauce (and I am VERY picky about that stuff!) was a beautiful thing. Natural. Wonderful. And explaining to people who had been strangers about how I am in this different place, and how it's been tough, but I feel really good about it... SM's mom made a point to tell me to keep growing and being glad before I left...

And as we drove home at dusk under a sky the color of a bruise, I just felt so truly blessed. And knowing that even though the tears are coming more freely in my spare moments, it's because I'm healing... Finally grieving the loss of Mel's friendship last year. Because I am proving her wrong on a daily (hourly!) basis. Cutting ties. Accepting reality. Maintaining hopes where they are worthy, and letting go of the ones that are unreasonable.

Just learning as I grow.

Actually becoming grateful for the HRT and his hurts because they made me more effective for two students who really needed a grownup who understood their dramas. How ironic that I can understand the dramas of 14-year-olds because I dated someone who acted like one last year?

And how lovely to make the connection between last Thanksgiving and the one I celebrated today?

That I wouldn't go home tonight and find cruelty on the internet. And I wouldn't spend three days alone, culminating in a 20-minute desperately horrific crying jag on the kitchen floor.

Nope.

This time, barely more than three months later, I brought my boy home, did some laundry, some dishes, read another chapter of Superfudge with him, and then put him to bed in the bed I paid for on my own, and then assembled with CB. And then completed my first task in a course that I need to complete for additional job security.

Such a different place. Such a different mind-set.

Free and clear. I'm getting there.

Happy Thanksgiving.