Because my blogs are her espresso.

Last week, I got a text saying "You haven't blogged lately."

And I said I'd blogged the week before. Twice.

And she said, "But your blogs are my espresso when I can't have coffee..."

And while I promised to blog that day, I didn't really feel motivated to do so until now. I was pretty busy getting some other writing done... I entered a contest last week, and got some pretty positive feedback so far... I shall keep you posted on the results...

But speaking of not having coffee...

I think I've weaned. Today is my second day without caffeine... I had a slight headache for three days, but today was actually okay. Even after the 10 miles of hills this morning. Of course, Kev reminds me that there's still some caffeine in decaf coffee, but whatever. :P And the withdrawal headaches of those three days were nothing compared to when I quit cold-turkey two summers ago.

I spent two days in my hometown with the kidlet last week... The last time I'd been home was over spring break, and I was still a bit of a basket case... Afraid to go out and about. Afraid of running into any of the girls who were so cruel last summer... Afraid to go to that other town because I didn't want to run into the soulmate unawares...

Last week, I took my hometown back.

The visit was somewhat impromptu... I mean, I'd known I would be going, but didn't really think about planning anything until I was actually there...

And I was pleasantly surprised that I managed to fill my time with loveliness and love. We had a wonderful breakfast with a pal from elementary school/jr. high. It was cool for me that my dad was there because he totally remembered this friend as well... How wonderful to see what a beautiful woman she has turned out to be...

And that evening, when a few of us got together at a favorite restaurant... I loved that the kidlet told his dad that we weren't just meeting my friends, but his friends as well... And when I asked him which friends we were meeting, he included P's new baby as well. Even though they hadn't met yet... I love that children count the children of their parents' friends as their own, even if they've never met.

How uncomplicated are children's friendships? Such lessons to be learned from their innocence...

Speaking of P... He's a good friend of the ex-fiancee, SB. But he and I had been friends before I even met SB... And even though we hadn't seen each other in nearly 7 years (he came by once when the kidlet was a baby), it was so easy to just pick up where we left off... And so awesome to see him all settled and as a daddy...

There was a moment during dinner when we joked that I could never go to one of our high school reunions. That I "could never show my face there"... And then someone said, "But it could be really funny..."

And I realized why I was so comfortable in that town... It's because I am different enough in the core of me that I believe those girls wouldn't even recognize me now... They see me as this totally wild girl who indiscriminately kisses, and has to be the center of attention, and will say and DO whatever outrageous thing pops into her head...

And I'm not that girl anymore. Oh, she's still in there, but I'm a bit more mellow these days. More centered... Even my SoulMate said to me, "Your energy is totally different!"

And I realized that part of the reason why I played those roles is because that had somehow been established that I was "that girl"... And those friends came to expect that of me... And having always been a "people pleaser", I gave the people what they wanted... And that was that particular aspect of me. They were the catalyst for some of those behaviors.

They thrived on my drama and fed me the fuel to keep it going.

But I'm not really into that anymore. Like, at all. I flee from drama these days.

::shrug::

This last week was one of much reflection... Probably because last week marked one year since so much changed... When I met HRT... And every wonderful and awful thing that happened in the following couple of weeks. I spent last 4th of July with him and with a dear friend who was spending her first holiday without her little boy...

I didn't have to spend yesterday without the kidlet. Even though it was, technically, his dad's day, I still got to see him for several hours, and I love that we have such a flexible arrangement and that we can all still hang out for his sake... I am a very fortunate woman...

And this morning, with the 10 miles of hills... CoffeeLady asked why I jumped in with a story from last year when she shared something with me... And it's because I'm making connections all over the place... I'm picking up on them faster and faster these days...

Seeing things so clearly for maybe the first time ever.

Driving back from my hometown, with my precious boy asleep in the backseat... I heard a song that had me shaking... Because it evoked a memory from much earlier in my marriage... A memory from before we were parents... From a time when I managed to be able to arrange a spectacular date... And ended up only getting part of the evening I'd hoped for because someone else was more important... And as I sobbed in my car, I was so angry with myself... For having put up with that for so much longer than I'd even admitted to myself.

But I can never regret it.

Because staying netted me my boy. That precious little soul... My heart. My Number One Priority.

And as I grow inside this new skin of mine, I will watch with some sadness as some I've counted on move away... Because they were really drawn to the drama queen who isn't there anymore... But I will welcome with open arms those who are drawn to this woman I am becoming... Who will accept me, flaws and all, but who truly know the value of a more zen existence.