The Language of Goodbye...

It wasn't until moments ago that I realized every word I'd said was more true than I'd thought...

I burned a bridge recently... And when I say I burned it, I mean there is nothing but ashes... And no phoenix is going to rise from these...

I tend to do things in a big way... I would do some irreversible thing and then weeks or months later try to reverse it.

But something's different now.

When I decided to stay away from the one who needs me to stay away, there was no closure... No conversation in which we mutually decided to stop speaking. Nope. There was just me. Deleting the phone number from my phone. Cutting the internet ties. And then... Nothing. And while a conversation would have given me something to reflect upon later, I don't think it would have been as positive as it could have been. So, I just left it. And I'm mostly pretty peaceful about that.

There was definitely closure with some of the girls from last summer. Horrible, awful things spewed about on the internet. Made it pretty easy to say goodbye.

There's never been any kind of closure with HRT. And there never will be. Just this peace in knowing he is out of my world forever. Which is exactly how it should be. What difference would it make if he admitted to me that he knew he was horrible? That he stole? That he cheated? That he lied? Would I feel any better about it? There were many months in which I thought I couldn't "move on" unless I heard those things from him. But I know he did all of those things whether he can admit it or not. And for the last several months, I've just felt a sense of gratitude that he's out of my world... And that he doesn't live anywhere near me so I'll never randomly run into him! :)

The greatest gift I ever got from my first boyfriend was the day he stepped up, months after our breakup, admitted to my face that he'd raped me, and apologized to me. Such a gift...

I'm getting off-topic.

This bridge I burned... A bridge I've crossed and re-crossed and almost crossed since I was a teenager...

When I told him goodbye, I explained that we were poisonous to one another's relationships... Because he's in one, now. And his girlfriend, for whatever reason, doesn't want to meet me.

And I'm good with ex-boyfriend's girlfriends. I'll never forget an ex picking me up to go hang with his family, and his new girlfriend and I couldn't stop giggling together. She was an awesome girl. And she could tell within five seconds that I wasn't into her boyfriend. (Years later, I would get to meet his wife, and she and I went off for ice cream together. Without him. And it was all good.)

But for some reason, this seems different. Of course, it's probably that she's weird (don't get me started. I don't think this is a good match for many reasons, but I'm glad they're together because it takes the pressure off of me to try to date him! (I know. I'm a coward in some ways, still...))

But when I actually reflected this morning, I realized that he has been poisonous to just about every relationship I've ever been in. I remembered as far back to that first boyfriend. Who didn't like that I hung out with this guy. And the ex-fiancee and I got in a huge fight the night of my high school graduation about him. (He probably would have picked another fight, but whatever.) There were several years when I didn't talk to him during my marriage because M wasn't quite comfortable with this guy hanging around...

And then we reconnected a few months before I met HRT... And while he stepped back during that relationship, HRT wasn't comfortable with me talking to him. And I stood up for him. And explained that he'd known about that friendship before we started dating, so it wasn't fair for him to place limitations on me... Ultimately, of course, HRT wasn't worth it anyway.

And in recent months, he and I got pretty close. Talking on the phone most days, texting regularly, emails... Especially when he started dating the new girlfriend... We still saw each other when I went home to visit and we had some of the most amazingly candid conversations... I can probably say that he is the only person I've never been able to lie to... And we had these incredibly intimate conversations. No, not about sex... But about things like God. And the Universe and stuff. Which, in my world, is far more intimate than anything sexual...

And then suddenly, it was gone. And I tried to be understanding... I mean, when people get involved in a new relationship, their friends tend to take a backseat. I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but it's just how it is...

But then when I would hear from him, I would just jump right back in, like it was no big deal... And then hear nothing for weeks...

I'd pretty much written him off when I got a random text. And we texted back and forth consistently that day... Until I mentioned I would be in town the following week.

No response.

For, like, a whole DAY. (Which, in my world, is a long time, especially when he'd been texting me within 3-4 minutes all day.)

And it just felt icky. I felt like maybe he really hadn't told his girlfriend about me and that he was only communicating with me when she wasn't around. And I'm not actually okay with that.

Of course, it turns out I was wrong in my assumptions. Because when I called him the next day, she was there.

But I told him I didn't like where our friendship was and that we should probably call it quits.

Now, let me be clear... There are many people with whom I am perfectly comfortable with the ebb and flow of a friendship. Sometimes we're not as close and other times we're closerthanthis... But not with this person. Because I've never had to censor myself with him, and I am not okay with feeling like I have to censor... Like there are, suddenly, limits. When there haven't been for the 17 or so years we've known each other... Because even when months or years would go by without talking, we could always pick up where we'd left off...

And I really thought that this time, we'd just be able to be friends for always... I really did. He created the cover for my first novel, for crying out loud. That, to me, means forever friendship.

But I guess it didn't quite mean the same to him... Even though he'd already made a point of offering to do the cover of the next book...

At the end of the day, his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with him seeing me. She was okay with him texting and talking to me. But not okay with ever meeting me.

Well, I'm not okay with those limitations. So, I'm done.

And I called him that day and told him that. And he was all shocked. And I understood I'd blindsided him, so I told him that he should talk it over with the girlfriend and if he decided he wanted to talk further, I would talk to him the next day.

I deleted his number by noon. And at 8 that night he called. Trying to change my mind. Telling me that my friendship mattered a lot. That I'm important to him.

And I firmly told him that his girlfriend mattered more and that I'm okay with that. That we are poisonous to each other's relationships, so I will step away. That I'll miss him, but that I will be okay. And so will he. And to just let it go.

And I actually didn't make a huge thing out of it. I kept the conversation short. And then it was done.

And when we hung up, I cried a little. Because it's sad to lose a friendship. And for about thirty seconds, asked myself, "What is wrong with me that she doesn't want to even meet me?"

And then realized how stupid that sounded. This is about HER. She's the one with whatever insecurities that she can't handle meeting me. So, this actually isn't about me. Because if she spent five seconds with me, she would see that I'm fantastic (And also that I have ABSOLUTELY no designs on her boyfriend!), but that's her loss...

See how much I'm growing?

Well, mostly.

TheRaPist asked me a tough question the other day... And told me to reflect for awhile before blogging it and asking for feedback from my friends...

Which I've done... So, here it is:

On the one hand, you know you kick ass. That you're a wonderful person... You don't need validation when it comes to that...

But there are certain aspects of your life where you crave validation... And you get down about yourself when you don't get it...

Why is that???

I'm pretty sure I know why that is... And I need to get to a place where I don't need that validation... I need to know that I matter even when I don't hear it.

But sometimes it feels like I'm lying to myself... "No, you really did matter even if that season is over", or whatever.

I need to maybe take the ball back and lob it again instead of just leaving it in someone else's court. Because I know that even when things are spelled out for certain people, they still won't "get it".

Hmmm...

Maybe these things have nothing to do with each other. But in my mind, maybe I was hanging onto that friendship because I was getting the intimacy of a relationship without actually having to SEE the guy. Haha.

Because, for the first time in a very long time, I find myself interested in someone who actually lives fairly close to me... And I think he might know it. And even though one person told me he's totally blowing me off, two others have told me that he's not. That I have to give him a few more chances to actually blow me off before taking it as a blow-off.

And I've been stubborn and not wanting to give him those opportunities. But maybe I should go ahead and put in a bit of an effort.

Hmmm... Maybe I will...

But only after spending this beautiful day with my amazing little boy...