Rain washes it all way...

I need to blog so badly that I'm using a computer I swore I'd never use for this site.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Granted, I've had a rough start back to work.

But this thing with Clark is getting to me... There's something about him... That tore down all of my defenses...

So, after these couple of days... When I went home alone last night... And cried myself to sleep...

Realizing that I am so ready... For something more...

My marriage is over. And even though Liz Gilbert wrote yet another book that I read just when I needed to read it, I need to LIVE it.

I actually called the Ex and read him a passage from "Committed". And he totally understood why I read it to him. And he agreed that he'd been trying to tell me that for that period of time two years ago when we stood over the precipice that had become our distance from each other and chose to step away.

Holy clarity. That hurt.

But last night. When I remembered seeing my neighbor's boyfriend show up at her door with flowers a month ago...

I realized that I do want it all.

So, I'm putting it out there to the Universe:

~I want a man to bring me flowers. Not because he has to. But because he wants to. Sunflowers are a safe bet. As are tulips.

~He should be a coffee-drinker. And should understand my need for the stuff.

~He should be a reader.

~He should be active.

~He should be passionate. About something. Something that is, at least, somewhat interesting to me.

~He should be a texter.

~He should be one who calls. And he should be glad to hear from me when I call.

~He should have a calendar and be willing to talk to me about which nights I am available to see him.

~He should at least communicate with me on the days when I won't see him.

~He should be willing to plan for something the following week.

~He should be amazing in bed.

~He should think it's awesome that I'm going to shave my head for charity. Maybe he'll even be willing to do it, too. :)

~He should drink wine. Red wine.

~He should like sushi.

I've been meaning to blog about the online dating thing I've been doing... And I've met some great guys. Each of them has had something wonderful to offer. I've learned a bit more from each of them...

So, now I'm making my list. Oh, and that reminds me... I need to make my List... CF will be number one on it this morning, for sure.

But my point is this:

I can and will add to my requirements. But they are just that: Requirements.

I'm done compromising. But, dammit, I'm ready.

So, this or better, Universe. You hear me???

My List of Three...

My last post was 9 days ago...

And the lessons I learned that day have stuck so far... One day, I will explain the magic that happened that day... But for today, know this:

Each morning, I think of a List of Three... Three things for which I am grateful. I take a moment to write down my List of Three... And I keep that List nearby. Usually in my pocket. And when something threatens to get me off-course, I pull out my list. And I read it to myself. And it makes me smile.

People I see on a daily basis have noticed. And commented. I am different.

I am anti-baggage. I've actually managed to cut some of it loose... Shocking, I know. But I am at peace. I've said my piece, and I'm moving past it. I'm driven to achieve my newest goals. I've spent time with someone with whom I was, shockingly, comfortable. And it was with this kickassedness, that I approached everything else last week. And a kind stranger even asked me out to dinner. Wow. I must be putting off more positive vibes.

And awful stuff happened. One student's dad died last week. And I was sad for him. But I couldn't stop smiling at the students who were still in my classroom... And another student lost a young cousin in a random accident. And, again, I was sad for him. I cried with him. And I smiled at the rest.

And I was sick this weekend... Like, called my friend from the toilet, sick. To tell her I couldn't make our run on Saturday. Because I had them. Ugh.

But I was still smiling. And in a good place.

And there was this loveliness of a day where I was hanging with the kidlet and then met up with two amazing and beautiful women with whom I had connected through an Angel... And they lit a fire under me and got me thinking about a future and I actually took the steps to move forward in something that could be big (more to follow as it comes to fruition!)...

And it was with happiness and excitement that I wrote my list of three for today... And because I didn't have pockets in today's pants, I left the actual list at home, but kept the three close to my heart:

1. S & D, who got me to get on that website and start it...

2. M, who called to see if I was okay after last night's earthquake.

3. My new bracelet. (It reads "spreadgoodvibes")

Yesterday's list included DebuTaunt. And her imminent end... I was grateful that she would soon be at peace...

And today, I told my students that she would die today. How I knew, I don't know, but I knew she wouldn't make it through today.

And then I saw her sister's post. "Debby Greer-Costello, mother, daughter, sister, blogger and fan-f_ckin'-tastic friend passed away peacefully this morning surrounded by love."

And I stood in my classroom, watching my students copy some notes from the Elmo, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. And one of my girls noticed, and asked why I was crying... And I told her. And she was nice about it. They all were, actually. It was weird. These are 8th graders. Probably the most self-centered age ever. But they were kind to me today.

And during the last hour with them after lunch... We laughed. One student caught me giggling when I read the oh-so-sensitive response from JC, and we talked about how humor has always been a coping mechanism of mine. I admitted that I was the girl who was leaving the hospital with her dad an hour after her mom died and said to him, "So, we'll get you into a grief group, find you a nice widow..." This is my humor. ::shrug:: It helps me deal with shitty things like my friend dying. My friend who was the one I thought would beat it.

And right after they left, I got the call that my son was sick. Had thrown up at school.

I grabbed my stuff and left.

The poor kid was pretty much covered in puke. He was resting quietly when I got there and I trundled him into the car and he proceeded to puke pretty much the entire way home.

Got him upstairs and into the bath and he was already feeling better...

And then I became that mom whose ex- comes over to her place to hang out with the kid while she takes the car to get de-puked at the car wash place. The boys hung out while I got stuff done, and while I was out, I still found myself smiling.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not NOT feeling this. I'm crying. Hard. I wanted to go for a run, but didn't get the chance. And am trying to not go make myself a big ice cream sundae.

But I think that because I'm free from the other baggage that I can focus on this and all the positive stuff too.

And while it fucking sucks that there's an 8-year-old girl out there who doesn't have her mama anymore, I am all the more grateful that there is a 6-year-old boy in the next room who does. And she's teaching him this gratitude thing.

Light and Love... x3.

RIP, DebuTaunt. Your assignment, dear DebuTaunt, is to Rest in Peace. You've earned it.

Sweetest of dreams. Tomorrow's list will be a bit longer than three.