Shameless Plug.

Remember when I said I wrote a book?

It's out.

You can find it on Amazon.com. Just type my name in the Search box.

Eek!

Pretty girls cry and wipe their noses with their sleeves.

Yesterday was a lovely morning... I blogged about having a beau... I was getting laundry done... Drinking coffee I'd made with my French Press... All was beautiful...

And then I got an email...

I have a PO Box at the UPS store down the street. The great thing about having a PO Box there is that my address looks like a real address. So, UPS will deliver there. And they can sign for stuff for me and I can pick it up at my convenience. I actually got the box way before I moved out of my marital home and started using the address then...

I remember laughing so hard when my gramma told me that Cinderella had told her "RetroMama sent me her new address!" And my gramma looked at her, blankly, thinking, "But she hasn't moved yet..." I had sent her a card or letter or something and it had a return address label. Which translated in her mind to "Ooh, I have inside information". I'm snorting with laughter all over again.

Anyway.

Whenever I get a package or a certified letter, the nice folks at the UPS store scan it to my box and I get an email, telling me that I have something to pick up... And they tell me who it's from. When the kidlet got a package from his grandparents, I remember how conscientious they were about making sure I knew it was a package for him (this was during the whole layoff season last year). The wonderful staff there has become friends to me and to the kidlet... They were there the day I got my RIF notice last year. They were there when I got laid off... And they rejoiced with me when I got my letter of re-hire.

On Friday, I got an email at lunchtime... The package with 5 Proof copies of my novel had arrived. I bounced through the rest of my afternoon, picked up the kidlet, and raced over there.... I told them what was in the box, but the kidlet had decided we would open it together at home... Chris, the nice kid (18? 19?) who works there made sure to tell me that I could open it at home, but I am under strict instructions to bring it back at some point so that they can see it. Of course I agreed.

So, yesterday... I'm having this amazing morning... And I get an email from the UPS store... I assumed that it was to let me know that one more copy of my book had arrived (it was shipped separately)... But then I did a double-take when I saw the sender...

It was the District.

I looked at the calendar... While the deadline for RIFs is still more than a week away, I started to get a little worried...

Still in my pajamas (what? It was only noon... ish.), I transferred laundry over and put away the clothes that had just come out of the dryer... I told myself I would shower and change, go hit the UPS store and then go pick up the kidlet from his dad's...

But this niggling sense of discomfort wouldn't leave....

So, I threw on running clothes and a beanie and left the apartment.

I thought about putting up a status change on FB, asking for some Light and Love, but I felt like I was making a big deal out of nothing... Surely, the District had some other thing they wanted to tell me via Certified letter... Maybe I was getting an award of some sort?

I was shaking by the time I got in my car... And pretty much hyperventilating as I drove over there... I thought about calling Eric, but I only had a few minutes in the car and just wanted to get there. Besides, he had his kids and I didn't want to be the hysterical girlfriend. I mean, we had only really officially established that we were together, like, the night before. I should wait at least a week before I pull that, right?

The parking lot was crowded. Saturdays are grocery shopping days, apparently... I was muttering "fuck!" under my breath as I circled the lot to find a spot. I shakily ran into the store. Chris was in the back. I stopped in my tracks and yelled, "Give me my letter!"

I went to my box and pulled out the sticker that I would need to sign... Oh, and the magazine I'd been waiting for. The one with the short article I had written. Yin and yang, dammit.

Chris brought me the letter and I didn't even look at him as I tore into it. By now, the tears were streaming down my face... My breath came out ragged... The envelope in shreds, I started reading... Tears blurred my vision...

And it wasn't a RIF.

I threw the letter down on the counter and backed away... Poor Chris was staring at me.... I pointed at it, and managed to get "It's not a layoff letter!" out... And then I stood in the middle of the store and sobbed... I dragged my sleeve across my face, trying to dry my tears, trying to keep the snot from running down my face...

Chris stood behind the counter and held his arms out toward me. I flew at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, apologizing for being such a spaz... And he just held me for a minute or two, as I raggedly sobbed into his shoulder.

Poor kid.

To cheer myself, I opened the package with the magazine and let him read it.

And then another customer came in. She looked at me sideways as Chris helped her with her mailing needs... I kept wiping my nose with my sleeve like the pretty girl that I am... I was still having trouble breathing.

I kept apologizing and babbling away... Chris was very sweet and understanding about it. Didn't rush me out or anything. I knew there was no way I could drive yet... It took me about ten minutes to pull it together.

Only then did I leave, with my letter and magazine in my hand... That's when I called Eric. And then updated the FB when I got his voicemail. He called me back a few minutes later and I regaled him with stories of hysterics and tears and snot in the UPS store.

And he laughed at me.

Hence, the blog.

You can thank Eric for this one.

Calling a Spade a Spade.

So, I have a beau... I don't think I'm comfortable with the word "boyfriend". Although, I am completely okay with being his "girlfriend". I'll probably get used to "boyfriend". ::shrug::

This man is good to me. He's good FOR me. He brought me flowers and Thai food when I was sick. And cupcakes.

He said, last night, that we haven't even been on a real date yet.

And, yet... We're together.

And I told him what D and E said and what my Therapist said about how he should date other women and whatnot. Give himself more time. But this is what it is.

And, again... I'm not going to be afraid of loving... I shall be cautious about how enmeshed we become in one another's lives...

I shall sign another 12-month lease on my place... He told me he's ready to buy something, and I told him that while I would love to help him decorate, I don't want to be any part of the buying process. I don't want to even look at any of his prospects. He needs to do that on his own.

But when he offered me points so that I can stay in a hotel across the country with the kidlet? And followed through with three hotel options? I'll let him do that for me.

He told me he's afraid of hurting me... Because what happens if he realizes in six months that I was right and he should have taken more time? Because he's not over his ex. But I'm not really over mine. (Can anyone ever truly be "over" someone with whom s/he has created children?) Being where I am in my journey, I feel somewhat wise when it comes to this... And he talks it out with me... And I'm becoming a better listener... And it doesn't hurt me to hear him process through it. I'm all zen and shit about it.

I told him I'm not afraid of six months from now. And I'm really not. If it doesn't work out, I'll grieve that. But in the meantime, I will just enjoy this... Learning to love and be loved.

And, no, D... I have not had sex with him... Things got a little hot last night, but no... I'm not ready for that... Shocking, I know.

I giggled as I watched him walk away from my car last night... Thinking to myself, "I have a boyfriend, and he has no ass." But he's adorable. And he's mine. I shall continue to call him Eric. And, perhaps, boyfriend. But, beau, for sure...

Secrets and Lies

I woke up feeling like shit this morning.

Slept most of the day until it was time for my appointment.

Eric, of course, offered to bring me soup, kleenex, anything I needed. I didn't feel quite ready for him to see me looking like something the cat dragged in, however...

And then I went to get the cancer removed. I got there early, and with the doctor ahead of schedule, I was done right about the time everybody started sending the Light and Love. Hee!

So, I called Eric. And asked if he was working from home and could I come over? I had a couple of things I needed to tell him. And, hell, I had just beat cancer, so I was feeling somewhat kickass. Even though I still looked like shit.

And I sat down and told him the big scary secrets. Like about the scars that HRT left. And that even though I'm becoming this honest person, I haven't always been so.

But I needed to tell him because I see this going somewhere and I wanted him to know now so that he still has a chance to get out if he chooses.

And after I told him the big scary things, he patted the couch next to him and I came over and snuggled up against him. And he told me to just never lie to him. I can agree to that.

And then I left to go hug the kidlet and I checked my phone.

I'd gotten an email in response to a voicemail I'd left last week.

For Leon.

Because last week, it hit me that I was grateful. I was grateful for his presence in my world when he was in it. That he was as good to me that he could have possibly been. He simply didn't have the capacity to be any better to me. But that didn't mean he ever meant to hurt me. And he was the right person to be in my world at that time. I'm grateful that he didn't sleep with me. I'm grateful that I got to learn about dating and stuff with someone who kept me (mostly) safe.

So, on the day that we might have done that thing together (but it would be raining. LMAO.), I picked up the phone and called. And said those things to his voicemail. Told him not to worry about calling me back. But that I just wanted to thank him.

Then I let it go...

And, actually, kind of forgot that I did it. Because it was so not a big deal. I just expressed my gratitude. It was on him how he decided to take it.

And, apparently, he took it well.

And he wrote me an email to tell me so. And it was lovely.

And then I went and hugged my son and texted a few of my girlfriends who knew those truths and understood what a big deal it is that I told Eric.

And I'm just feeling utterly exhausted and completely loved.

So, even sick and unshowered and doctor's office scented, I'm happy.

Lighter.

I told the big scary things and he hasn't run away.

And the Spree feels soothing on my sore throat.

:)

Now I get to choose between Quality and Quality.

Have you missed me?

I have.

Um, remember this? The list?

I just re-read it.

And, um...

So far, Eric is all of that. I don't know how he is in bed. Not that he didn't offer to let me find out... The first time we met.

Let me backtrack.

I was supposed to flee the state for Valentines Day weekend. And my friend ended up getting sick, so there I was... Alone... For the entire weekend. With no plans. Not a good place for me to be at that time.

It ended up being a lovely weekend. I spoke to Brendan while he was on a long drive... For, like, two hours. He even brought me into the convenience store while he stocked up on candy and water. I told him to get Spree, but that doesn't seem to be found very easily lately.

Anyway.

The next day, something happened that I wasn't clear about... And it turned out the ultrarunner that I'd been interested in last year knew what had happened... And we got to texting... And then I was sitting there reflecting... About how pivotal he was in my world. How he was a part of that Mother's Day weekend last year that changed everything... And I had never thanked him.

So, I did.

And we ended up meeting for dinner. And it was awesome. He promised to call the next day.

But I woke up thinking about Brendan.... Hoping he would call me on his way home. And perhaps we could meet. Because he pretty much has to drive through my town to get home. We texted that morning and he promised to call me on his way home.

And then the ultrarunner didn't call. I didn't expect the ultrarunner to call (nor did I particularly care. Except that I hadn't asked him to call. He simply volunteered when we'd said goodnight the night before). But I did expect Brendan to call.

In the meantime, someone contacted me through the dating website... And I found myself intrigued...

He'd posted what he's looking for in a woman...

What I look for in a woman: cute, funny, smart, sassy, honest, kind, open minded, intellectual curiosity, socially conscious, playful, affectionate, mischievous, down to earth, wine tasting fan, responsible, professional, independent, outdoorsy, reader, fan of the arts, single, good communication skills, movie lover, passionate, sensual, romantic, friend, adventurous, social

Um, hi? Has he been reading my blog?

We wrote back and forth a few times that day. I was totally entertained, but still had my hopes sky-high for Brendan. But then he didn't call.

So, there I was... Valentine's Day. I'd gotten to see my son for maybe an hour or two, but he wasn't with me that night. And I missed him. And then the boy I liked disappointed me. By breaking a promise.

So, when I opened a bottle of Cabernet that night and sat on the couch to feel sorry for myself, the tears came... And that's when the phone rang.

It was Brendan.

I quickly dried my tears and was pleasant on the phone. He wanted to follow through with the phone call he'd promised, but he waited until he got home... Hmmm...

The next day, the emails with the new guy flew fast and furiously... And then Brendan called that night. A spur-of-the-moment thing. And when we hung up, I got an email from the new guy... Asking me if we could talk. He wanted to "match the voice to the prose"... And I was excited to talk to him. I had been very much enjoying his emails. He's clever and funny... Asked me lots of really good questions...

We were on the phone til midnight.

And I liked him. I really liked him.

Which kind of confused me about how I felt about Brendan. I'd been putting in a lot of effort with him. Because he was worth it. I'd been calling him "my future husband, but he doesn't know it yet" for two months. Completely convinced that it was just a matter of time until he decided not to be afraid of our connection and to decide that we would be great.

And then Brendan didn't call the day he said he would. Again. Ugh.

So, then the new guy and I decided we could meet. His travel plans for work changed and could I meet him for lunch near my work? I couldn't, but we ended up meeting at my favorite coffee shop that afternoon.

And after four days of amazing phone calls and emails, we were both pretty excited.

I still spoke to Brendan on the way to work that morning. Didn't mention anything about the new guy (although I think he had stepped up the contact when I did mention I'd been on a date that weekend), but we had a great conversation. Totally connected. Again.

But I was anticipating meeting the new guy that afternoon. My body was humming with tension and excitement.

D talked me down while I was driving there... Told me to breathe and shit. Reminded me that I had been thinking Brendan was "the one" and how could I be so into someone else in such a short period of time?

And I talked it out. About how Brendan is actively working towards something in his work. And I love listening to him talk about it. But he says things about how he wants to be a man of his word. And yet... He hasn't been that with me. How many times does he get to promise he'll call at a particular time or on a particular day and then not and then I blow it off? I don't stand for that in others, why do I with him? Fears shmears. I was on my way to meet someone who absolutely had been showing me that he is interested in me.

And there he was.

And he gave me an amazing gift... Something beautiful and perfect for me.

And I was so completely not attracted to him.

Fuck.

But I stayed. And drank dirty chai. And got to know each other further. Ish.

And then he asked, "Do you want to get out of here?"

And I asked, warily, "And go where?"

"Back to my place," he replied.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't."

We went for a walk instead. And I couldn't find the words to tell this guy that I totally adored him, but was completely not attracted to him and could we just be really good friends?

But I still kissed him. Hoping I would feel something. But I didn't.

Within moments of driving away, he was texting me and emailing me. Apologizing for what he'd asked.

I told him I needed time to process and no, I wouldn't see him before he left town for work. But that I would talk to him when he got back...

We emailed for a couple of days... I called Brendan and asked him to meet me for dirty chai (he'd never tried it) that weekend. And he did.

And, again, we had a great time together. He told me his birthday was coming up the following week. And I called him out on how he tells me he'll call on a particular day and then doesn't. And that it's not okay. And he said he wouldn't do that anymore.

And I knew that the new guy had a date with someone else that night. I found myself wondering how it had gone. And I asked him. Because I wanted to be friends with him, right?

I went to bed and woke up to his response. He'd joked that he'd slept with her. And I didn't like that I felt a twinge of something when I read that. I was grateful that the next thing I read was that he'd been joking. But I was confused that I felt relieved.

Why did I care? I wasn't attracted to him. He can fuck whomever he chooses.

But I really, really liked him. And I must admit that I really, really appreciated that he pretty much really liked me. (He swore he wasn't in love with me. But that he was "smitten".)

And then something shifted. He went away for work. And it was like I was with him on that trip. He emailed often and texted and called me from hundreds of miles away. And he asked the greatest questions... Like about who my best friend is. And why was she my best friend? And I've been brutally honest with him, "Yes, if I had to choose today, I would say that we would be just friends... But I'm open to seeing you again... When we're not so nervous..."

And I love what he does for a living. It's something I admire. And he is really good at it. And I love that I'm never left wondering if he's thinking about me... Because he lets me know. And I have come to realize that I require that from someone I'm dating. I require daily contact. Even if it's just a text or something quick on a busy day. But that's not negotiable.

But I'd found Spree the day after I'd seen Brendan. And I bought it for him for his birthday. And I found a few other bits of perfection that he would totally love.

And on his birthday, I called him on my way to work. I got his voicemail, but left an adorable message.

I realized I was keeping my weekend free, hoping I would see him.

But then the new guy asked if I was around, and I found that I had decided I would see him on Friday night. I would wait til his kids went to bed and go see him. And we would keep it casual, and I would see how I felt about him when I was in his space. I felt like I wanted to be in control. And, I admit that I sensed that he would make himself available if I decided I wanted to see him. I made it very clear that he was not to ask me to have sex with him. Haha.

But then I didn't even hear from Brendan. I finally texted to ask if he'd gotten my voicemail. And he texted me right back and asked if he could call me Friday morning. After crying to TF, I responded adorably that he could (because it would be FRIDAY!! LOL.). She helped me decide that I wouldn't give him the other small gifts I'd purchased. But I could give him the card and the two rolls of Spree. Because that's small and cute.

I woke up Friday morning to an email sent from an airport from the new guy.

And Brendan didn't call.

And I found myself re-reading the Leon blogs. And seeing some major similarities.

So, I decided I would eat the Spree.

Fuck Brendan. I'm done.

And then I saw the new guy.

Eric.

And I was so much more comfortable with him. He served me wine (a zinfandel in a real zinfandel glass) and we just talked... And he told me that he never talks about his work. He just tells people he does government work. But he told me. And I find it utterly fascinating. And he talked about a celebration that is a few months away. And I found myself wanting to be a part of that. And then he told me he wants me to be a part of it. He'd asked me to bring my iPod because he wanted to hear what music I listen to. And I did. (This is pretty rare for me, actually, for some reason...)

And he asked me more questions and I told him about different friends and different relationships... I told him about how I'd been in a band several years ago and how much I miss it... He says I'm like an onion... That he wants to peel back the layers of me and that he is fascinated by the person I am... That there are so many facets to me.

And he's not running away, screaming. He doesn't seem to be intimidated by the gigantic personality that is RetroMama.

And then he told me he wanted to kiss me. And I let him.

And this time, I felt something. It was lovely.

And we just sat and held hands and hugged and talked and it was beautiful.

I got home at 1:30 in the morning... And I ate a red Spree.

Thing2

"...And I call them Thing One and Thing Two.
These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun."
Then, out of the box Came Thing Two and Thing One!

I realized a couple of days ago that my skin cancer's back. I thought I might be mistaken, so I didn't say anything. But this morning, I was sure of it. So, I called the dermatologist and made an appointment for next month to have it checked out and removed.

And I'm so not freaking out. It's just a little SomeThing. Way smaller than last time. So, this one is Thing2.

But I found myself wanting to talk about it. And I didn't want anyone who loves me to freak out. Enter CJ. I had an appointment in his town this afternoon so I texted him and asked him if he was willing to meet me... "no awkwardness or expectations. just food." He actually responded that he couldn't tonight, but would love to another time. Was I available next week? I told him I wouldn't be in his town next week. Haha.

The only reason why I wanted to talk to him is that he doesn't exactly matter, you know?

But then I did tell a few friends. And reminded them that I am NOT freaking out. I'm not.

I am getting my zen back. I yoga'ed this morning for a bit before work. And had an awesome day with my kids. Answered my classroom phone and had a colleague say, "You sound so happy!" Yes, this on the day I admit I have cancer again. 'cause that's how I roll.

But then this evening... After a wonderful chat with my dad... Where I filled him in on all things RetroMama. Well, all things regarding dating. He was surprised I wasn't seeing Clark anymore. I didn't go into detail. Haha.

But it just kind of got me thinking... I ran into 23 last night. And he was so sweet. Asked how I was doing. Hugged me. And I realized that this kid totally thinks he's in love with me. And he's pining and shit. And that actually really bothers me. I never meant for that to happen. And last night when I was exhausted after my double-platelet donation, I found myself thinking about him as I drifted off to sleep... And how he probably wanted to stay with me those nights... And I never even allowed myself to consider that.

Then tonight, I was joking with an 18-year-old who works at a place I frequent. I was about to give him my number (we're going to be in the same place at some point this weekend and he wanted to make sure I would be able to find him) when this other customer kind of teased me about giving out my number to an 18-year-old. So I came back with my usual "they have to be old enough to at least sit at the bar with me," and he said I was being "cold". I said, "What? I have no problem with younger as long as they're at least 21. I have to draw the line somewhere." It was all funny and we all went on our way.

But then I came home. And I'm totally PMSing. Which gets me all sad and shit. (And there are no more brownies in the house. WTF was I thinking??!!??)

So, I find myself thinking about 23. (Shut up, you guys. You know who you are.)

And how that first time he came over, I was really struck by his maturity. This kid grew up out of necessity and is really responsible and has a grownup job in a grownup world. And he totally supports his younger siblings. At 23. Shit. I was married, but going to school full-time at his age.

But I wanted him to stop talking because that's not what he was there for, dammit.

And maybe it's because this week is the anniversary of the first time we met (ish). But I find myself remembering all of our interactions that came before. And that I liked him. He wasn't just a toy. But I shut off that other part because that was the deal we struck that day.

And I feel like I have to stick to that. And until yesterday, I thought that all he wanted was sex. But I think there's something more there. But we fucked it up already, right?

Crap.

I should not be allowed technology or to be out of the house at this time of the month. This was always when I broke up with Leon. Okay, I'm totally laughing now.

But my point is that I'm in a slightly vulnerable place right now. I find myself really wanting to make a connection with someone. No, not just anyone.

But tonight? When I spoke to my little boy and I know I have to tell him when I see him tomorrow that it's back (I have mad skillz at not freaking my kid out about stuff like that), I hung up the phone feeling so incredibly lonely.

I just really want a hug.

Why, yes, I am in junior high...

I've been asked to update.

It's been an absolutely amazing week.

I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.

I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!

I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.

But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.

But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.

I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.

Oy.

But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.

And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.

And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."

I don't think he had known my mom is dead.

::awkward silence::

But it wasn't awkward.

It was amazing.

And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.

And then he told me he's dating someone.

Fuck.

They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).

And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.

I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.

I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.

But this time it's different.

It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.

And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.

All's fair in Love and War, right?

If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.

I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.

I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)

So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.

And then my phone rang.

And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!

He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.

It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.

I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.

And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.

And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.

And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)

So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.

:D